Empyrean Beauty (another change of title), REVISION THREE Options

[Eisa]

I'm revising again - I've just found this one in the archives & made some changes.



REVISION THREE

Empyrean Beauty

Bathed in aurora’s blushes
she slips into her robe --
crimson ribbons empurpling.

Dressing in lento tempo
she reflects the ocean’s hues;
linen embellishes her gown,
infinitely.
Tresses crowned in gold,
a veil unfolds shimmering
across her shoulders.

Vernal rapture, stirs her tears
showering winter’s drabness;
refreshed, she drapes a scarf
across her breast, its iridescence
enhances a pristine visage.

When tempestuous, she shrouds
us with a tenebrous cloak,
warning of forthcoming wrath.
Spears are hurled to illuminate
the fearful world;
cumulonimbus’ shouts resound
until their rage drenches us.

At midnight, her face sparkles,
opulent in dark damask,
raven locks adorned with lambency.
She cossets us in dreams, repairing
edges frayed by daytime stress.

Earth’s canopy, ever-changing --
she thrills us with perpetual glory.






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

REVISION TWO

Empyrean Beauty

Bathed in aurora’s blushes
she slips into a robe --
crimson ribbons empurpling.

Lento tempo she dresses
reflecting oceanic hues;
linen appliqués embellish
her gown, incessantly.
Tresses crowned in gold,
a veil unfolds, shimmering
across her shoulders.

Vernal rapture stirs her tears,
showering winter drabness;
refreshed, she drapes a scarf
across her breast, its iridescence
enhances a pristine visage.

In tempestuous mood,
her cloak shrouds us,
warning of forthcoming wrath.
Spears hurled, illuminate the world.
Cumulonimbus’ shouts resound
until their rage drenches us.

Sensuous in dark damask,
her face sparkles with piercings;
raven locks adorned with lambency.
She cossets us in dreams, repairing
edges frayed by daytime stress.

Earth’s canopy; ever-changing --
she thrills us with perpetual glory.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
REVISION ONE

Incessant Beauty

Bathed in aurora blushes
she slips into a purple robe
laced with crimson ribbons.

Lento tempo she dresses
to reflect the ocean;
blue gown embellished
with white chiffon appliqués.
Blonde wisps clasped
into a gold crown, its veil
shimmers around her shoulders.

Rapturous vernal tears
shower away winter drabness;
an iridescent scarf
draped across her breast
enhances a pristine visage.

In tempestuous mood,
she shrouds the world
with charcoal cloak,
then hurls illuminating spears
warning of forthcoming wrath.
Cumulonimbus’ shouts resound
until his rage drenches us.

Sensuous in dark damask,
her swarthy face sparkles
with silver piercings;
a mother-of-pearl tiara
adorns raven locks.
She cossets us in dreams,
repairing ragged edges,
frayed by daytime stress.

An ever-changing canopy,
she shelters our world
thrilling us with perpetual glory.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ORIGINAL

Perpetual Glory

Bathed in early morning blushes
she slips into a purple robe
interlaced with crimson ribbons.

Dressing slowly,
she reflects the ocean’s hues,
white chiffon appliqués her skirt,
wisps of blonde clasped
into a golden crown that shimmers
in a veil across her shoulders.

Her rapturous spring tears
shower away winter’s drabness,
her pristine visage enhanced
by an iridescent scarf
draped across her breast.

When mood is tempestuous,
her charcoal cloak shrouds the world.
She throws illuminating spears,
warns of forthcoming wrath;
her shouts resound until
their rage drenches us.

Sensuous in dark damask,
her swarthy face sparkles
with silver piercings.
A mother-of-pearl accessory
subtly adorns raven locks.
She cossets us in dreams,
repairing ragged edges,
frayed by daytime stress.

She is the ever-changing canopy
that shelters our world,
thrilling us with her perpetual glory.

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Snow, I must be thick headed today, it took me reading this twice before I realized what you were on about, after that on the third reading I really thought almost overly descriptive...almost being key. Then I really thought about the wording and though its not something I might automatically think of, I like them and the way you used them very much. The only thing I thought was a nit was using "Lento tempo" instead of just 'dressing slowly' as you had in your original. 'Lento Tempo' meaning 'very slow' 'time' which would make that line Very slow time she dresses which is kind of not right...you could use just Lento but why not just use very slow instead?

Steve

[Peterpan]

Snow~ This is an amazing poem!!! I loved it. I have thought of many ways of portraying our wonderful world...you have done it! Congratulations! Awesome.

How are you??

Bev

[Maggie]

Hi Snow,

Some beautiful images!! I do like the original version better though. The revision has the following lines which confused me. They weren't in the original version.

Cumulonimbus’ shouts resound
until his rage drenches us.

These lines confuse me for I thought the "she" in the poem was the sky, but when you named a certain type of cloud (cumulonimbus) and referred to it as "his" I thought the "she" couldn't be the "sky," for other images indicating clouds in the sky seemed to be considered as parts of the whole sky, and it was all one femine entity.

Help me out. Could you?

Again, beautiful images!!!

Peggy

[Sekhmet]

Hi Elisa - Just like Steve, I took two runs at you elegant poem, (I almost called it a painting.)
I can visualise exactly the sky, as you describe her, in all her moods, painted in oils by a Renaissance Master.
I would keep Lento Tempo - It added to the verse a languid feeling of Dawn, slowly illuminating the sea. After all, it is only, 'On the Road to Mandalay' that, ' the Dawn comes up like thunder, out of China cross the bay.' Mostly, she reveals and adorns herself slowly, and with care.
Leo

[jeannefiedler]

The scene you created is beautiful, a beautiful woman dressed like and produced by the ocean, I loved it, but I think you could have put more of her personality qualities in, so we would understand a little better. Was she a human or a goddess?
I think you wrote articulately and you did a good job!

[Marc-Andre Germa...]

Highly poetic, a lot of good imagery. However, I was overwhelmed by the flood of adjectives. And perhaps too many colours. I do like to look poetry as a painting, to just let the imagery seep into my mind, as if I was at the museum in a surrealist gallery. This poem almost gave me that pleasure; however, perhaps that's just me but mixing more than three colours usually makes it brown... With a mildly aggressive edit, I think this could make a great piece.

I hope this helps.

Mark

[Eisa]

Snow, I must be thick headed today, it took me reading this twice before I realized what you were on about, after that on the third reading I really thought almost overly descriptive...almost being key. Then I really thought about the wording and though its not something I might automatically think of, I like them and the way you used them very much. The only thing I thought was a nit was using "Lento tempo" instead of just 'dressing slowly' as you had in your original. 'Lento Tempo' meaning 'very slow' 'time' which would make that line Very slow time she dresses which is kind of not right...you could use just Lento but why not just use very slow instead?

Steve

Hi Steve - I am wondering if I should give more of a clue as to what this is about in the title. I have changed it slightly but alternatives are welcome.

I have always felt that the descriptions are a bit over the top and have made some changes in revision 2.

I used Lento Tempo as I was looking for an alternative to slow, which is a bit overused. I love trying out new words. Will see what others say on that one.

Thanks Steve
Snow

[Eisa]

Hi Bev

It's good to see you again. I'm not so bad at the moment - and you?

Glad you enjoyed this & I hope the revision is even better. LOL!!

Snow

[Eisa]

Hi Snow,

Some beautiful images!! I do like the original version better though. The revision has the following lines which confused me. They weren't in the original version.

Cumulonimbus’ shouts resound
until his rage drenches us.

These lines confuse me for I thought the "she" in the poem was the sky, but when you named a certain type of cloud (cumulonimbus) and referred to it as "his" I thought the "she" couldn't be the "sky," for other images indicating clouds in the sky seemed to be considered as parts of the whole sky, and it was all one femine entity.

Help me out. Could you?

Again, beautiful images!!!

Peggy

Hi Peggy

You have mentioned something which I hadn't thought of - now I'm confused! LOL!!!!!

Anyway, I've written another revision which I hope has helped this.

Snow

[Eisa]

Hi Elisa - Just like Steve, I took two runs at you elegant poem, (I almost called it a painting.)
I can visualise exactly the sky, as you describe her, in all her moods, painted in oils by a Renaissance Master.
I would keep Lento Tempo - It added to the verse a languid feeling of Dawn, slowly illuminating the sea. After all, it is only, 'On the Road to Mandalay' that, ' the Dawn comes up like thunder, out of China cross the bay.' Mostly, she reveals and adorns herself slowly, and with care.
Leo

Hi Leo

I mentioned to Steve, that perhaps I need to hint at the nature of the poem in the title. Any suggestions which may help?

I must say I do like lento Tempo!!

Thanks for your helpful comments.

Snow

[Eisa]

The scene you created is beautiful, a beautiful woman dressed like and produced by the ocean, I loved it, but I think you could have put more of her personality qualities in, so we would understand a little better. Was she a human or a goddess?
I think you wrote articulately and you did a good job!

Hi Jeanne

Your the 3rd person who has been confused as to who this is about and I am working on a title which might help introduce.

She is in fact not human or godess but a metaphore for the sky.

I'd be glad to hear any other suggestions.

Thanks
Snow

[Eisa]

Highly poetic, a lot of good imagery. However, I was overwhelmed by the flood of adjectives. And perhaps too many colours. I do like to look poetry as a painting, to just let the imagery seep into my mind, as if I was at the museum in a surrealist gallery. This poem almost gave me that pleasure; however, perhaps that's just me but mixing more than three colours usually makes it brown... With a mildly aggressive edit, I think this could make a great piece.

I hope this helps.

Mark

Hi Mark - yes your comments have really helped me, as deep down I felt just like you that this is overly descriptive, especially with colours.
I've been finding it difficult to step back from this & really sort it out.

Anyway, I've done another revision and will probably keep tweaking. Let me know what you think.

Snow

[Maggie]

Hi Eisa,

I like the revision and new title very much!!!

Before the change I got the feeling that too many readers didn't know for sure that the "she" your were referring to was the sky. Perhaps that was your fault as you did refer to the sky as a male once, and that was an outright error as you can't refer to something inantimate as female most of the time and then turn around and refer to the same object as male. Also, perhaps some of your readers were unfamiliar with the excellent poetic devise of referring to an inantimate object as being alive and having a sex. I hope they have learned that this practice is called "personification."

Much clearer now!!!! Good job in revising in my opinion!!!!

Peggy

[Eisa]

Thank you Peggy!

Personification - that was the word I was looking for!

I do feel much happier with this now - but I'm still open to suggestions.

Thanks again
Snow

[mayo]

I love your brave use of words! I too love them and I enjoy when some of the lesser seen are taken for a walk. Speaking of words, although I understand celestial to be that which pertains to the sky, it is most often used now to speak of outerspace, so I would suggest that the title be tweaked again. Have you thought of "welkin"? "Welkin's Beauty". It might set up the reader to be aware that this is a poem that will need a dictionary handy, but also come across as a name, to further personify the sky.

At first read the descriptors felt heavy handed, but upon further reads not so much. I love the different moods of the sky and the choice of cloth for each. Very nice read for me.

[Eisa]

Hi mayo

I do apologise for my lateness in coming back to this. I think our minds must have been thinking along the same lines for a title. Celestial wasn't quite what I was looking for and found empyrean which I've looked up to mean the same as welkin

I am still considering the descriptors -- I've missed out many that I had originally, but still feel that some could still go. Let me know if there is any place you feel too much.

Thank you for your suggestions

Snow

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Snow,

What a lovely poem filled with magical imagery. I wish I were this character! I haven't read any other comments or your previous versions so some of my comments might be a repeat for you.

This was a lovely read tonight!
Enjoyed,
~Cleo

[add] {delete}


Bathed in aurora’s blushes
she slips into a robe -- (I suggest ‘her robe’)
crimson ribbons empurpling.
Lovely opening imagery and theme!

Lento tempo she dresses (I suggest ‘She dresses to lento tempos’ as this inversion sounds strange to the ear)
reflecting oceanic hues; (I suggest ‘oceans’ hues; or perhaps aquatic)
linen appliqués embellish
her gown, incessantly. (Personally, I’m not sure that incessantly fits, especially at the end of this image as it appears an afterthought. Suggest deleting it or starting the line with it instead or subbing with ceaselessly).
Tresses crowned in gold,
a veil unfolds, shimmering (delete the comma)
across her shoulders.

Vernal rapture stirs her tears, (comma not necessary here)
showering winter drabness;
refreshed, she drapes a scarf
across her breast, its iridescence
enhances a pristine visage.
Lovely – smooth inner rhymes too.

In [a] tempestuous mood,
her cloak shrouds us,
warning of forthcoming wrath.
Spears hurled, illuminate the world. (I suggest deleting comma and adding ‘to’ in its place)
Cumulonimbus’ shouts resound
until their rage drenches {us} [all].

Sensuous in dark damask,
her face sparkles with piercings;
raven locks adorned with lambency.
She cossets us in dreams, repairing
edges frayed by daytime stress.
Suggest an inversion change above: Her face sparkles, opulent in dark damask;

Earth’s canopy; ever-changing -- (I'm not sure on that semi-colon there)
she thrills us with perpetual glory.
As a personal preference, I suggest closing the poem with the title in place of ‘perpetual glory’.

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Snow, I love the new title... Very much a keeper, I also love the new revision... it is much crisper, cleaner, yet still very descriptive and mood changing. I don't think that getting anymore informative about telling what the poem is, is really needed... I was really feeling off my feed that day...lol. I'm not sure I would change anything else, but again that is your choice...
Take care
Steve

[Eisa]

Hi Lori

At last I'm getting round to answering your suggestions which I have used for inspiration in my last revision... thank you!


Bathed in aurora’s blushes
she slips into a robe -- (I suggest ‘her robe’)
crimson ribbons empurpling.
Lovely opening imagery and theme!

Yes, you are right - I was trying to delete some of the her's & she's, but this one is valid

Lento tempo she dresses (I suggest ‘She dresses to lento tempos’ as this inversion sounds strange to the ear)
reflecting oceanic hues; (I suggest ‘oceans’ hues; or perhaps aquatic)
linen appliqués embellish
her gown, incessantly. (Personally, I’m not sure that incessantly fits, especially at the end of this image as it appears an afterthought. Suggest deleting it or starting the line with it instead or subbing with ceaselessly).
Tresses crowned in gold,
a veil unfolds, shimmering (delete the comma)
across her shoulders.

Mmmm.... I thought lento tempo wasn't quite right, but dressing to lento tempo's suggests she is listening to slow music. Perhaps in lento tempo would be better -- dressing in slow time.

I've changed incessantly, to infinitely -- better?

Vernal rapture stirs her tears, (comma not necessary here)
showering winter drabness;
refreshed, she drapes a scarf
across her breast, its iridescence
enhances a pristine visage.
Lovely – smooth inner rhymes too.

In [a] tempestuous mood,
her cloak shrouds us,
warning of forthcoming wrath.
Spears hurled, illuminate the world. (I suggest deleting comma and adding ‘to’ in its place)
Cumulonimbus’ shouts resound
until their rage drenches {us} [all].

Sensuous in dark damask,
her face sparkles with piercings;
raven locks adorned with lambency.
She cossets us in dreams, repairing
edges frayed by daytime stress.
Suggest an inversion change above: Her face sparkles, opulent in dark damask;

yes - I like your suggestion

Earth’s canopy; ever-changing -- (I'm not sure on that semi-colon there)
she thrills us with perpetual glory.
As a personal preference, I suggest closing the poem with the title in place of ‘perpetual glory’.


Well... I was told when I first wrote this some time ago, not to end the poem with the title and that's sort of stuck!! LOL!

Thanks for your help, Lori ... go read my 3rd revision

Hugs Snow