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Windchimes (revised 29 May), Wizard Award ~ Haiku |
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May 26 07, 06:58
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Mosaic Master
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Real Name: Lori Kanter
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OK - to get the ball rolling in this new forum, I'll post the haiku recently mused in the Karnak Crossing thread: Haiku: new perspectives - have at it folks! I may also post in an image too to go with it.... Revision 2: magnolia blossoms -- the whisper of wind chimesRevision 1: magnolia blossoms -- wind chimes whisper Original: whispered wind chimes cleanse winter's lethargy -- peaceful concerto
This post has been edited by Cleo_Serapis: Nov 4 07, 10:39
Reason for edit: Revised
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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May 26 07, 16:41
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Babylonian
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From: British Columbia, Canada
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Real Name: laryalee fraser
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Referred By:Kathy Earsman
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Hi Cleo!! It's great to see this new forum! One thing I find is that by working on crits, I learn a lot myself...because I have to sort out my own thoughts. Your wind chimes are lovely...I can almost hear them! (And I'm glad you're considering an image...haiga is another aspect of haiku that's great fun!) One note I'll add... to me, line 2 feels like a subjective, "telling" statement, rather than suggesting something that allows the reader to discover this feeling? I found a haiku that might illustrate the point... this weary world vanishes into green leaves Susumu TakiguchiHere, I get a feeling of the joy and lightness of spring, but Susumu is not saying this...he's simply holding up a thought and an image for us to absorb. Now, his is different from many haiku because it doesn't seem to have a pause and it feels like one sentence. But sometimes this works...especially when it's written by an experienced Japanese haijin! (I don't see your wind chimes as necessarily a spring haiku... it could be a break in the midst of winter...but the inner feeling seems a little similar.) I'm looking forward to your photo! Lary
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May 26 07, 18:06
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Mosaic Master
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Referred By:Lori
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I love your haiku Lori and also look forward to the photo. Also, thank you Lary for your information. I can see we are going to learn a lot from you in this forum. I haven't written a haiku/senryu for ages, but I think I'll look up some oldies to get your expert opinion. Snow
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May 27 07, 06:57
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Mosaic Master
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From: Massachusetts
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Real Name: Lori Kanter
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Referred By:Imhotep
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Hi Lary and welcome to our newest forum and a HUGE thank you for your hand in its opening. I will send a board email later (and also post in Nero's News too about it and a few other tidbits this month) to officially annonce its opening. I agree with you wholeheartedly - I've learned so much from the experiences of critiquing. I've grown in many ways: confidence, knowledge, appreciation of the art. There's always something someone can offer that the author may not 'see' themselves. For me, that is my goal, I'm no 'vanity poet' - when I post something for critique, I expect honesty about the work. Now - where was I? Thanks so much for your comments (especially for L2) - yes, upon second read here, it certainly DOES tell, doesn't it? I am trying to express how the deep tones of the windchimes create a calming feeling within and inspires me to get outdoors and be an active part of it. Since I put the windchimes away in Winter and bring them out again in Spring, this is what my intent is for L2. Now, to think of another way to say that without 'telling'? I liek to word 'inspirits' but again - is that telling too much? inspirits what? I need some guidance as I am still in a 'telling' mindset with this one. My mind keeps thinking on this: whispered wind chimes inspirited concerto -- quiescent words (or eloquence) or whispered wind chimes inspirited eloquence -- quiescent concerto I've only attempted a handful of haiku but am looking forward to the journey ahead and with help from the experts like yourself, I think I'll get there. I have a pic from the windchimes from my house in Maine (where my parents live) that I'll add to the posting above. I just hung our own windchime yesterday while gardening myself here in Stow, MA and will take a picture of it later. I think I just spotted another windchime hanging from the tree in this 'tulips' photo I also took over Mother's Day weekend in Maine (from the farm up the road a piece)... Can you spot it? Thanks Lary - I look forward to your return. ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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May 27 07, 07:00
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Mosaic Master
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Real Name: Lori Kanter
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Referred By:Imhotep
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QUOTE (Eisa @ May 26 07, 19:06 ) I love your haiku Lori and also look forward to the photo. Also, thank you Lary for your information. I can see we are going to learn a lot from you in this forum. I haven't written a haiku/senryu for ages, but I think I'll look up some oldies to get your expert opinion. Snow Hi Snow. Thanks so much - I just posted the photo and hope to have a second one later from our yard. Yes, there's much to learn and I am all for the adventures ahead. I don't have many 'oldies' but I'll look too! Cheers ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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May 27 07, 18:08
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Mosaic Master
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From: Birmingham, England
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Real Name: Eira Needham
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Referred By:Lori
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Oh Lori -- what beautiful pictures. I can see now where your inspiration came from. I also like both of your latest variations of haiku. Snow
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Guest_Don_*
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May 27 07, 18:42
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Guest
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Hi Lori,
For seven syllable second line: jingles to naive green flair
Don
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May 27 07, 22:19
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Babylonian
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From: British Columbia, Canada
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Real Name: laryalee fraser
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Referred By:Kathy Earsman
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Ooooh, lovely photos, Cleo! The second one reminds me of my grandmother's garden...love the rustic beauty! I think it's hard for many poets to switch from eloquence to simplicity... And to think of the "aha"... which is like an indrawn breath the reader makes, as the image/meaning becomes clear. You mention that these wind chimes call you out -- become part of nature's rebirth...is there some way you could use this? You have a wonderful moment here! I'm trying to think of ways to explain the process... perhaps it's as if you offer a book to the reader -- but you let the reader turn the pages? Lary
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Guest_Kathy_*
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May 28 07, 01:00
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Guest
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What great photographs, Lori! You have quite a talent. whispered wind chimes cleanse winter's lethargy -- peaceful concertoI see what you are trying to do here, Lori. It's a lovely poem, but it isn't haiku. Somehow you need to find a way to show this without stating it. whispered wind chimes or wind chimes whisper or wind chimes' whisper is all you have that isn't prescribing what we are to feel and think about. Haiku is completely different to Western poetry, where we describe something so the reader knows exactly what we mean. In haiku the reader is part of the process. The trick is enabling the reader to complete the poem within themself. So there's a little pause as the poem is processed, then AHA! as it connects, and the reader has pictures running in his/her mind. It's hard. So, getting back to your poem, starting with: wind chimes whisper how can you say what you want? In haiku it is traditional to use a 'season' word, or kigo. There are approved lists of kigo; Lary mentioned cherry blossom: cherry blossom -- wind chimes whisper So, do the wind chimes whisper of spring? The breeze, and thus the perfume it contains, are in the whispering. :) but we can use our own kigo, eg: first robin -- wind chimes whisper or omit the kigo, which is allowed: moonlight-- wind chimes whisper Does that suggest remembering something? or owl's shadow-- wind chimes whisper to show the silent flight of an owl, with just a tiny displacement of air. Does that help? K
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May 28 07, 08:04
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Mosaic Master
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Real Name: Lori Kanter
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Referred By:Imhotep
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QUOTE (Eisa @ May 27 07, 19:08 ) Oh Lori -- what beautiful pictures. I can see now where your inspiration came from. I also like both of your latest variations of haiku. Snow Thanks Snow! I took pictures of our windchime yesterday but haven't loaded them up yet. The wind was blowing softly too, so I was enjoying the sounds while sitting on the deck. Then I felt something crawling on my shoulder underneath my t-shirt and got bit/stung by this weird red/black bug that had a wasp's body), lol - so I went inside (sigh) after I killed the sucker.... Damn bugs! I guess by reading forward, this isn't a haiku yet - but hopefully it will be soon. HUGS ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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May 28 07, 08:06
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Mosaic Master
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From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
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Referred By:Imhotep
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QUOTE (Don @ May 27 07, 19:42 ) Hi Lori,
For seven syllable second line: jingles to naive green flair
Don Hi Don and welcome to our new forum. Thanks for your suggestion - I think haiku is supposed to be less telling though (green flair is a neat vision) - but I'll keep your idea in mind as I move forward to better understand haiku. Cheers ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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May 28 07, 09:03
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Mosaic Master
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Referred By:Imhotep
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QUOTE (laryalee @ May 27 07, 23:19 ) Ooooh, lovely photos, Cleo! The second one reminds me of my grandmother's garden...love the rustic beauty! I think it's hard for many poets to switch from eloquence to simplicity... And to think of the "aha"... which is like an indrawn breath the reader makes, as the image/meaning becomes clear. You mention that these wind chimes call you out -- become part of nature's rebirth...is there some way you could use this? You have a wonderful moment here! I'm trying to think of ways to explain the process... perhaps it's as if you offer a book to the reader -- but you let the reader turn the pages? Lary Hello Lary. I'm glad you enjoyed the photos - I took 2 more yesterday of our windchime that I'll post up at some point. Yes, I was thinking that too - perhaps those 'fancier words' aren't appropriate in haiku? It's all new to me. So is the 'aha' supposed to be summary in L3? I understand (I think) that the first two lines should state the seasonal image (sometimes with the pause between the two)? Foe me 'wind' is a key element and spring as the seasonal aspect - I want to use 'windchimes' as the noun. i could use a spring blooming tree as the kigo if I understand this properly - like: magnolia blossoms or cherry blossoms as Kathy mentioned? I can visualize the windchime in the tree and the sounds of nature the wind provides which put me in calming state of being and happinessthat winter is over.... I'm still very confused. Now I'm thinking it should start with something new: and make 'Magnolia blossoms' the middle and end with: windchimes but I'm stumped on the middle? It will change my intention of the creation of a calming mindset but what about something like: wind chimes whisper breaths of beauty -- magnolia blossoms Am I getting warmer? Lori
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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May 28 07, 09:15
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Mosaic Master
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Referred By:Imhotep
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QUOTE (Kathy @ May 28 07, 02:00 ) What great photographs, Lori! You have quite a talent. whispered wind chimes cleanse winter's lethargy -- peaceful concertoI see what you are trying to do here, Lori. It's a lovely poem, but it isn't haiku. Somehow you need to find a way to show this without stating it. whispered wind chimes or wind chimes whisper or wind chimes' whisper is all you have that isn't prescribing what we are to feel and think about. Haiku is completely different to Western poetry, where we describe something so the reader knows exactly what we mean. In haiku the reader is part of the process. The trick is enabling the reader to complete the poem within themself. So there's a little pause as the poem is processed, then AHA! as it connects, and the reader has pictures running in his/her mind. It's hard. So, getting back to your poem, starting with: wind chimes whisper how can you say what you want? In haiku it is traditional to use a 'season' word, or kigo. There are approved lists of kigo; Lary mentioned cherry blossom: cherry blossom -- wind chimes whisper So, do the wind chimes whisper of spring? The breeze, and thus the perfume it contains, are in the whispering. :) but we can use our own kigo, eg: first robin -- wind chimes whisper or omit the kigo, which is allowed: moonlight-- wind chimes whisper Does that suggest remembering something? or owl's shadow-- wind chimes whisper to show the silent flight of an owl, with just a tiny displacement of air. Does that help? K Hi Kathy. I appreciate your commentary. Yes, I think it helps a little, but I just do not understand haiku yet. I don't think 'whisper' should be my element, or should it? Unless that is the point - is to make the reader wonder what i meant? Making 'whisper' the point to ponder - I came up with 'magnolia blossoms' as the kigo. So would these three elements work? magnolia blossoms -- wind chimes whisperIt seems too short and confusing to me to make sense of it as worded above? What are they whispering and how do I connect that to a 'feeling of euphoria'? I also had this idea: wind chimes whisper breaths of beauty -- magnolia blossoms or magnolia blossoms breaths of beauty -- wind chimes Am I getting warmer? Best regards! ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Guest_Don_*
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May 28 07, 09:30
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Guest
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Hi Cleo_Serapis,
For my two pence, the word "cherry" is essentially a cliché in Haiku. Just writing "wind chime" is being narrative unless it alludes to something else.
You have my symphathy creating a crystal ball from which anyone off the street can read your mind.
I've looked at clouds from both sides now...
Don
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May 28 07, 09:44
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Mosaic Master
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Real Name: Eira Needham
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Referred By:Lori
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magolia blossoms -- wind chimes whisper ....is my favourite Lori... but wat do I know, I'm still learning too. LOL! Snow (I love magnolia blossoms -- definitely less cliche)
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May 28 07, 10:20
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Mosaic Master
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Referred By:Imhotep
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QUOTE (Don @ May 28 07, 10:30 ) Hi Cleo_Serapis,
For my two pence, the word "cherry" is essentially a cliché in Haiku. Just writing "wind chime" is being narrative unless it alludes to something else.
You have my symphathy creating a crystal ball from which anyone off the street can read your mind.
I've looked at clouds from both sides now...
Don Hiya Don. Yes, I read Magnolia in one of the links Lary provided in the thread in Karnak and thought, "Oh, how I like that to symbolize spring". Of course, we don't have any magnolia trees here, but we've 3 cherry and 3 dogwoods that bloom pink (and one dogwood blooms white). Wind chimes is the focal point here. There's much to learn! And hearing what other's interprest in the poems is always intriguing. I'm in the clouds most all the time these days, LOL! On and off the ground... Cheers Don and Happy Memorial day! ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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May 28 07, 10:22
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Mosaic Master
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QUOTE (Eisa @ May 28 07, 10:44 ) magolia blossoms -- wind chimes whisper ....is my favourite Lori... but wat do I know, I'm still learning too. LOL! Snow (I love magnolia blossoms -- definitely less cliche) Thanks Snow - I like that one better of the two trees as well and less cliche is a good thing. What do you 'get' from the poem above - does whisper tell you enough?
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Guest_Don_*
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May 28 07, 10:59
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Guest
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Dear Cleo_Serapis, QUOTE What do you 'get' from the poem above - does whisper tell you enough? Other than clanging rods, I like to think of wind chimes as hollow tuned metalic tubes that sing (ring) softly. Soft spoken relates to aspirate and to "whisper." I believe this word is sufficiently indirect. Don
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May 28 07, 11:07
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Mosaic Master
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QUOTE (Don @ May 28 07, 11:59 ) Dear Cleo_Serapis, QUOTE What do you 'get' from the poem above - does whisper tell you enough? Other than clanging rods, I like to think of wind chimes as hollow tuned metalic tubes that sing (ring) softly. Soft spoken relates to aspirate and to "whisper." I believe this word is sufficiently indirect. Don Oh goodie Don - then Kathy's suggestions make much more sense. I've posted the first revision above. Cheers ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Guest_Don_*
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May 28 07, 11:21
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Guest
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Hi Cleo_Serapis,
Wow, your photo enlargement is a beaut. Nice! I'm eagerly awaiting responses to your recent revision.
Don
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