A Winter's Tale A VILLANELLE 1st RevisionMy thanks to Larry, Merlin, Alan and Thoth, for suggestions., 10 X Challenge for Jan 9thA Winter's Tale Options

[Sekhmet]

'A Winter's Tale' - 2nd Revision - with thanks to Cleo for additional thoughts
.
And I arise, as from a twilight's dream,
to find that snow has frozen every rose;
where icicles have formed in starlight's gleam.

So frigid is the earth, it seems to scream;
as Spring and all of May, the frosts enclose;
and I arise, as from a twilight's dream.

At noon, the rose buds, puffed as cones of cream,
drooped from the bush, in Spring-like, languid pose;
where icicles have formed in starlight's gleam.

Deep snow now blows in drifts, calm and serene.
In freckled children's' cheeks, rose madder glows;
and I arise, as from a twilight's dream.

Now feel! The ice is coolly crisp,and clean.
Chill moonbeams, on the frosted branch, expose
where icicles have formed in starlight's gleam.

This garden has become a magic scene.
'A Winter's Tale' will soothe Snow Queen's repose;
and I arise, as from a twilight's dream,
where icicles have formed in starlight's gleam.

Words to be included: frigid/freckle/puff/slide/icicle/blown/twilight/dream/rose/tale



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A Winter's Tale 1st Revision
A Villanelle

And I arise, as from a twilight's dream,
to find that snow has frozen every rose;
where icicles have formed in starlight's gleam.

So frigid is the earth, it seems to scream;
as Spring and all of May, the frosts enclose;
and I arise, as from a twilight's dream.

At noon, the rose buds, puffed as cones of cream,
drooped from the bush, in Spring-like, languid pose;
where icicles have formed in starlight's gleam.

Deep snow now blows in drifts, calm and serene.
In freckled children's' cheeks, rose madder glows;
and I arise, as from a twilight's dream.

Now feel! The ice is cool, and crisp, and clean.
Chill moonbeams, upon frosted branch, expose
where icicles have formed in starlight's gleam.

This garden has become a magic scene.
A, 'Winter's Tale' will chill Snow Queens repose ;
and I'll arise, as from a twilight's dream,
where icicles have formed in starlight's gleam.

Words to be included: frigid/freckle/puff/slide/icicle/blown/twilight/dream/rose/tale


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A Winter's Tale
A villanelle

And I arise, as from a twilight's dream,
to find that snow has frozen all the roses;
where icicles have formed in starlight's gleam.

So frigid is the earth, it seems to scream;
as Spring and all of May, the ice encloses;
and I arise, as from a twilight's dream.

At noon, the rose buds, puffed as cones of cream,
drooped from the bush, in Spring-filled, languid poses;
where icicles have formed in starlight's gleam.

Deep snow now blows in drifts, soft and serene;
whilst freckled children slide in gleeful poses;
and I arise, as from a twilight's dream.

Now feel! The ice is cool, and crisp, and clean;
and moonlight every frosted branch exposes
where icicles have formed in starlight's gleam.

This garden has become a magic scene;
this, 'winter's tale' the sere Snow Queen exposes;
and I arise, as from a twilight's dream,
where icicles have formed in starlight's gleam.

Words to be included: frigid/freckle/puff/slide/icicle/blown/twilight/dream/rose/tale

[Thoth]

Hi Leo,

As mentioned, perhaps first lose the bold text for aesthetics. I will try tothink of something but have another op tomorrow so my mind is not really focused right now.

Love,

Wally

[Alan]

Dear Leo,

You've had a coupla comments about the size and spacing, so I thought I would offer you the alt, so you could judge.

Love
Alan

A Winter's Tale
A villanelle

And I arise, as from a twilight's dream,
to find that snow has frozen all the roses;
where icicles have formed in starlight's gleam.

So frigid is the earth, it seems to scream;
as Spring and all of May, the ice encloses;
and I arise, as from a twilight's dream, - should be f/stop ?

At noon, the rose buds, puffed as cones of cream,
drooped from the bush, in Spring-filled, languid poses.
where icicles have formed in starlight's gleam.

Deep snow now blows in drifts, soft and serene; - GREAT allit x2 !
whilst freckled children slide in gleeful poses;
and I arise, as from a twilight's dream, - should be f/stop ?

Now feel! The ice is cool, and crisp, and clean;
and moonlight every frosted branch exposes
where icicles have formed in starlight's gleam.

This garden has become a magic scene;
this, 'winter's tale' the sere Snow Queen exposes;
and I arise, as from a twilight's dream,
where icicles have formed in starlight's gleam.

Love
Alan

[Sekhmet]

Good morning Alan - yes, I can see what you mean; (or rather I can't! lol) I am having problems with my eyes at the moment, and find the large type soothing to work with when I am writing. But I'll go back and edit it. Thanks for your suggested punctuation - I'll incorporate that as well.
Love, Leo xx

[Psyche]

Hi Leo!
Your villanelle is flowing beautifully now, at least to my inexpert eyes.

Don't worry about using blue or other soothing colours, with the addition of bold text. I always do the same and for the same reasons... ;-) Even with e.mails!

As Steve has often emphasized, MM is like family, and I believe we should adjust to each other's physical and/or sensitive differencies.

Going back to your poem, I love:

So frigid is the earth, it seems to scream;
as Spring and all of May, the ice encloses;
and I arise, as from a twilight's dream.

<<<<<<beautiful!

Although your Winter seems to be appalling this year, nonetheless you've captured in verse the beauty of it all. Congrats!

Hugs, Syl***

[Sekhmet]

Good morning Syl -
thank you so much for your sympathetic understanding - my eyesight is drifting into the Mr Magoo area, thanks to diabetes, so things often look very blurred to me, regardless of how large the typeface. I have a device on my laptop that magnifies anything - up to 400 times! So I can usually find something suitable with which to work. It normally gets reduced before I post, but if I reduce it too much, I can't read it later, until I have re-enlarged it and any resulting comments.
I can see that members might find large typefaces irritating; and it probably looks as though I am trying to, 'big up' my effort - but it is simply a convenience to help me to see it clearly.

I am so pleased that this Villanelle found favour with you - it's my favourite form, and I always enjoy writing them. So thank you for your positive words.
Hugs, Leo xxx

[Sekhmet]

Hi Wally - I hope by the time you read this, you will be through the op - sitting up and taking notice.
I have been sending positive thoughts out to both you, and dear Steve;
(old Hippie that I am!)
I have noted your comments, and will try to remember to reduce my work before I post it - I often forget, because it looks fine to me.

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Hugs, Leo

[Merlin]

Hi Leo,
Regret the problems with vision - having reached years well past 20, I've given up de-Nile and have reading glasses everywhere around the house and vehicles, as well as in jackets I use when heading out.

I'm not bothered by large or bold print as much as the centering biznez. Centering belongs to certain forms, like diamond shapes, but for me, I find it very annoying when done only for looks here. Such belongs to greeting cards, in my opinion. Often I refuse to even look at those postings >>> My own position, and everyone is free to do as one pleases.

But I'm coming in here to send a Congrat off for doing this Villan thing. It isn't a favorite form of mine, even while I have a generous number of them. Recently I did one in which I added 2 extra verses - a sucker fer punishment!

Elsewhere I saw a villanelle in which the writer had only kept the final rhyme-word but changed the lines. That was an interesting variation, something to play with for a different twist. While that wouldn't be a true villy, it could be a villanette. (That writer hadn't done his background check and made the mistake, thinking he had a real villy.)

You'll know that seasons don't rate capitals, altho many give them. Not an error, as often it's personification intended.

Well done, I must say.

Merlin

[Larry]

Hi Leo,

What a beautiful villanelle. I've written only one but I understood that form was to be in IP as is all of yours except for L2 in each stanza. After reading Merlin's comments, I realized there was a lot of leeway and one didn't have to obey all the rules all the time, but still (being a bit of a meter maid myself) find the extra syl's in each L2 cause the reader (me in particular) to stop. I also felt that poses/exposes were overused as end rhymes in S3-S6. I've a few suggestions which you may take or toss. I don't know if they would improve on this gem you have posted. They are just, and only just my thoughts. Please don't take offense.

S1L2 - all the roses - every rose
S2L2 - the ice encloses - ices enclose
S3L2 - languid poses - Use a singular pose
S4L2 - in gleeful poses - Repetitive end rhyme with S3; try glows
It gives alliteration and is descriptive of children playing in snow.
S5L2 - and moonlight every frosted branch exposes - and moonlight's beams each frosted branch expose
S6L2 - this, 'winter's tale' the sere Snow Queen exposes; - Again, repetitive end rhyme with S5.
Suggestion: a 'winter's tale' will this Snow Queen compose;

Not real sure about the usage of “sere” in a magic scene since it is defined as “dried and withered”. That sort of takes away the magic of the winter’s tale and gives one the mental picture of a desiccated old hag instead of an alabaster skinned Queen reborn each new winter. Aside from that, icicles and snow, being varying forms of water could be antonyms of sere.

Again Leo, as with any critique, it's only an opinion because the poem is yours and you may take whatever liberties you care to utilize. I just found the plural endings to throw off my metronome brain. Maybe it needs to be thrown off every once in a while to realize there are many different ways of saying the same thing and rules don't have to be followed to the letter.

Thank you for posting "A Winter's Tale". Even with all my little nits, it is still a beautiful picture of winter without any negative connotations of what that time of year sometimes brings.

Larry

[Larry]

Hi Leo,

Love the revision.

A Winter's Tale, IMHO is now a thing of beauty and I have no other nits, crits or comments to make other than "WONDERFUL"!


Larry

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Leo,

This is such a lovely Villanelle - and a response to a TimesTen too - wonderful!

I enjoyed the orginal and especially the revision. I have a slight issue in this stanza:

Now feel! The ice is cool, and crisp, and clean.
Chill moonbeams, upon frosted branch, expose
where icicles have formed in starlight's gleam.

I feel you could utilize better words in L1 above - to rid both 'ands' - they seem a filler, IMO.
In L2 - I find the use of "chill" and "upon" to bump the lovely metrical flow. Do moonbeams 'chill'?

Be back again!
~Cleo

[Sekhmet]

Hi Merlin - I am definitely nowhere near de Nile - I'm very nearly in Dor dog ne! And a C-ing dog is what I'll be needing if things don't improve! Got lots of specs - but put them down - then can't find them.
I was in two minds whether or not to give the season, 'spring' an upper case initial letter, but I feel that, 'drooped from the bush, in spring-filled, languid poses.' sounded as though the roses were hanging from the bush on springs. Too surreal, man - so I decided on an upper case S.

Warn thanks for your positive remarks about the Villa.
Love, Leo

[Sekhmet]

Good morning Larry - We made it! A real live Villanelle! Many thanks for your valued analysis of version 1.
I didn't graft too hard on the original version , because I look upon all the challenges as R&R, pure and simple. But then, I was reminded that, by offering our responses to the challenges for critique in Herme's Homilies , we can encourage or even goad more members to take part in the challenges. Your advice was invaluable in bringing the Villanelle back into line.
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[Cleo_Serapis]

Ho Leo,

Another suggestion (I'm not certain you read my previous crit) for you to ponder in this line:
A, 'Winter's Tale' will chill Snow Queens compose;

Please delete the comma after 'A' and also add an apostrophe to Queens as Queen's or Queens'.

Cheers
~Cleo

[Sekhmet]

Good morning Cleo - Oops! I had totally forgotten about this one,and consigned it to the archive. Sorry for the delay in revising, but family illness and, on Monday, the sad demise of my much loved small dog, has kept me away from MM for most of the last few weeks. Anyway - thanks for your thoughts; I've made some of the revisions you suggested. I feel that, 'A Winter's Tale' should be in quotes; after all, it was Will himself who came up with the title, long before we had a go at it. But I have rearranged the inverted commas,to make the punctuation lie more smoothly.
I'll whizz back and try to do something with the line you dislike - but to my mind, moonbeams on a frosty night are definitely, 'chill'.
Hugs, Leo

[Sekhmet]

Hi Larry - thanks for the. 'seal of approval' You played a major part in sanding down the rough edges.
Hugs, Leo