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Reflected Worlds ~ Revised 19 July, title change from Sweetest Night |
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Jun 8 06, 19:49
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Mosaic Master
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Real Name: Lori Kanter
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Referred By:Imhotep
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Revision #2: 19 July 2006 ~ Thanks Cathy & Nina!
Reflected Worlds
Twelve tolls... instinct takes hold.
Is it noon or midnight?
She throws open velvet shades embracing blood-red shadows with ravenous thirst.
Ah, it IS sweet night!
Forsaking her façade, she steps through reflected worlds and thrice touches a desiccated soul…
A merging transcends his light with her darkness.
Damnation will be theirs to harvest.
Twelve tolls: instinct takes hold. The enlightened rejoice...
in sweetest night.
Copyright © 2006 Lorraine M Kanter Revision #1 - 10 June 2006: Twelve tolls... instinct takes hold. Is it noon or midnight? She opens velvet shades embracing blood-red shadows with ravenous thirst. Ah, so it IS sweet night!Forsaking her façade, she steps through reflected worlds and thrice touches a desiccated soul… A merging transcends his light with her darkness. Damnation will be theirs to harvest. Twelve tolls: instinct takes hold. The enlightened rejoice... Sweetest night.Copyright © Lorraine M Kanter 10 June 2006 Original: Twelve tolls... Instinct takes hold. Is it noon or midnight? She draws velvet shades embracing blood-red shadows with ravenous thirst. Ah, so it IS sweet night!Leaving her façade behind, she steps through reflected worlds and thrice touches a dessicated soul… Transcendence merges his light to her darkness. Damnation will be theirs to harvest. Twelve tolls: Instinct takes hold. The enlightened rejoice... Sweetest night.Copyright © Lorraine M Kanter 08 June 2006
This post has been edited by Cleo_Serapis: Nov 26 07, 18:48
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Replies
(1 - 11)
Guest_Nina_*
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Jun 8 06, 23:42
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Guest
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Hi Lori
I'm glad to see you've reworked this into a poem. It is quite an interesting exercise to do and works really well. It is also good to see you posting in Serens. An interesting vampire style tale.
Twelve tolls... {I}[i]nstinct takes hold.
Is it noon or midnight?
She {draws}[opens] velvet shades embracing blood-red shadows with ravenous thirst. ...wonderful imagery
Ah, so it IS sweet night!
Leaving her façade behind, ...can you leave a facade behind as it isn't a physical thing? Perhaps "discarding her facade" she steps through reflected worlds and thrice touches a dessicated soul… ...ooh he sounds all shrivelled/dried up and dead
Transcendence merges his light {to}[with] her darkness. ...why not simply "His light merges with her darkness"
Damnation will be theirs to harvest.
Twelve tolls: {I}[i]nstinct takes hold. The enlightened rejoice...
Sweetest night.
Thanks for the read
Nina
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Jun 10 06, 09:53
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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QUOTE(Nina @ Jun 9 06, 00:42 ) [snapback]76720[/snapback] Hi Lori I'm glad to see you've reworked this into a poem. It is quite an interesting exercise to do and works really well. It is also good to see you posting in Serens. An interesting vampire style tale. Hi Nina.
Thanks - you inspired me to try it! It seemed the best type of conversion - free verse and I DO need to write more of it. For some reason, the drabble tickled my vamp muse. LOL!QUOTE Twelve tolls... {I}[i]nstinct takes hold. I had a feeling I needed to change that! She {draws}[opens] velvet shades embracing blood-red shadows with ravenous thirst. ...wonderful imagery. Thanks Nina. I will revise that line.Leaving her façade behind, ...can you leave a facade behind as it isn't a physical thing? Perhaps "discarding her facade" I'll revise that one too - not sure on discarding but I'll see what the muse thinks. she steps through reflected worlds and thrice touches a dessicated soul… ...ooh he sounds all shrivelled/dried up and dead. Glad you caught that one. I recall something about needing to get bitten three times and each time he is that much more 'drained' - I thought dessicated might work there.Transcendence merges his light {to}[with] her darkness. ...why not simply "His light merges with her darkness" Here, I had wanted to incorporate the word 'transcendence' so I need to think on that one a bit more.Thanks for the read Nina Thanks for stopping by Nina.. I will revise this one in a few with some of your suggestions and perhaps a few new ones.
Cheers! ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Jun 27 06, 19:33
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
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Referred By:Imhotep
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Hi all. I've decided to change to the title of this one from "Sweetest Night" to "Reflected Worlds". This is a different genre for me so I am interested in your feedback - good, bad, indifferent please. Thank you Nina for your comments. Regards Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Guest_Nina_*
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Jun 28 06, 00:04
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Guest
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It's looking good Lori, well done with your revision.
Nina
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Jun 28 06, 05:42
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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QUOTE(Nina @ Jun 28 06, 01:04 ) [snapback]77617[/snapback] It's looking good Lori, well done with your revision.
Nina Thanks very much Nina - do you think this new title is more appealing? ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Guest_Cathy_*
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Jul 17 06, 13:04
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Guest
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Hi Lori!
This came from a drabble challenge?? I should check them out more often. Whatever inspired this must have been good.
Twelve tolls... instinct takes hold.
Is it noon or midnight?
She opens velvet shades Would adding 'throws' in front of 'opens' enhance a feeling of eagerness? embracing blood-red shadows with ravenous thirst.
Ah, so it IS sweet night! Is 'so' necessary here?
Forsaking her façade, I like the change to 'forsaking' ... it works very well! she steps through reflected worlds and thrice touches a desiccated soul… Oh my! lol
A merging transcends his light with her darkness.
Damnation will be theirs to harvest.
Twelve tolls: instinct takes hold. The enlightened rejoice...
Sweetest night. 'in' sweetest night... maybe?
A question about the title ... what 'worlds' are you referring to? (Since it's plural). In my mind, it's the world of the vampire, how it keeps evolving as he/she continues to feed off other humans, making them 'one of them'. Would 'World Reflected' work? Maybe I'm missing something that you would be kind enough to explain so that I may see the light? lol Or does any of this make any sense?
Cathy
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Jul 19 06, 20:04
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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Hi Cathy. QUOTE(Cathy @ Jul 17 06, 14:04 ) [snapback]78971[/snapback] Hi Lori!
This came from a drabble challenge?? I should check them out more often. Whatever inspired this must have been good. Yeppers, it surely did! QUOTE She opens velvet shades Would adding 'throws' in front of 'opens' enhance a feeling of eagerness? embracing blood-red shadows with ravenous thirst.
Ah, so it IS sweet night! Is 'so' necessary here? Yes - I think I had throws in there originally (if not here, in the drabble) - will put that back in to add a bit of drama and eagerness. TY! QUOTE Forsaking her façade, I like the change to 'forsaking' ... it works very well! she steps through reflected worlds and thrice touches a desiccated soul… Oh my! lol Thanks Cathy - that was a great suggestion from Nina. QUOTE Sweetest night. 'in' sweetest night... maybe?
A question about the title ... what 'worlds' are you referring to? (Since it's plural). In my mind, it's the world of the vampire, how it keeps evolving as he/she continues to feed off other humans, making them 'one of them'. Would 'World Reflected' work? Maybe I'm missing something that you would be kind enough to explain so that I may see the light? lol Or does any of this make any sense?
Cathy Yes, that would work for the closing! Cool! Well, it's his world manipulated by hers, and how they both end up mirroring each (reflected). Does this make more sense to you?
Thanks for your ideas - will post the revision now. ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Guest_Cathy_*
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Jul 19 06, 23:15
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Guest
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Hi Lori, QUOTE Yes, that would work for the closing! Cool! Well, it's his world manipulated by hers, and how they both end up mirroring each (reflected). Does this make more sense to you? Yep, makes sense to me! QUOTE Yes - I think I had throws in there originally (if not here, in the drabble) - will put that back in to add a bit of drama and eagerness. TY! Your welcome! Something about that word in that sentence just seems to add an eagerness to the whole thing. Can't explain why! lol QUOTE Thanks for your ideas - will post the revision now. No problem ... glad I had something you could use! *smiles* Cathy
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Aug 21 06, 17:53
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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Hi Cathy. QUOTE(Cathy @ Jul 20 06, 00:15 ) [snapback]79129[/snapback] Hi Lori, QUOTE Yes, that would work for the closing! Cool! Well, it's his world manipulated by hers, and how they both end up mirroring each (reflected). Does this make more sense to you? Yep, makes sense to me! QUOTE Yes - I think I had throws in there originally (if not here, in the drabble) - will put that back in to add a bit of drama and eagerness. TY! Your welcome! Something about that word in that sentence just seems to add an eagerness to the whole thing. Can't explain why! lol QUOTE Thanks for your ideas - will post the revision now. No problem ... glad I had something you could use! *smiles* Cathy Thanks for checking back in and agreeing with the changes. You always offer excellent food for thought! HUGS ~Cleo
······· ·······
"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Guest_ohsteve_*
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Sep 2 06, 13:02
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Guest
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An interesting twist on a variation of vampires and thier souls. Good read. Steve
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Sep 3 06, 08:42
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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QUOTE(ohsteve @ Sep 2 06, 14:02 ) [snapback]82383[/snapback] An interesting twist on a variation of vampires and their souls. Good read. Steve Hi Steve. Thanks for intepreting this one the way I'd hoped it would be. May I ask for your feedback in the form of a critique as well? Does the title work for you? Are there any words/lines/phrases/stanzas that don't seem to flow correctly in your mind? Looking forward to your further feedback. Cheers ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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