Hey, Steve! I'm out of practice, frankly, of critiquing, and I'm really not familiar with your style, but the only way that's going to happen if for me to just dive in and find out what I can through our interaction, right?
I am gathering that you're going for abab rhyming without concern for meter, right? If that is not correct, please inform me otherwise. I'm going on that assumption.
Without explanation the first time through, let me show you how I FEEL this... NOT how I think it should BE:
QUOTE(ohsteve @ Jul 13 06, 22:08 ) [snapback]78670[/snapback]
Did it just go crazy
or is the thrill is merely gone[?]
Am I too darned lazy
or could I have carried on?
Isn’t any need in trying[;] [ Though simpler might be There is no need...]
I won’t waste away.
Isn’t any need of crying[;]
things just happened that way.
Loving you was easy[;] to do
walking away is hard.
But I’m not anybody’s fool [ or I am no one's... ]
nor will I be feel I'm a discard.
Life will find a way
to carry continue on it’s own.
You're just a dream away[;]
I’m headed for another town[.] [ ... though both the rhyme and the line itself seem weak. ]
An apt depicting of the self-assuring feelings of a jilted suitor, methinks. And again, I'm NOT indicating how I think you should have said things, but how I felt that you were saying them. I may have completely misconstrued your words. I just dove in; gotta start somewhere, right?
Lightly for now, Daniel