Death of a Life Options

[Peterpan]

Death of a Life

A sudden breeze
as time shrouds
your shoulders
for gentle rest.

Although cold
in your sleep,
in our thoughts
you are breathing.

Winter brushes
across our path
tossing leaves
in anger.

The assurance
of blossoms,
calms our
fragile spirit.

Copyright © June 2009, Beverleigh Gail Annegarn

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Bev, I like this little short and succinct piece. I am not to sure of your title though, it seems a bit off putting. But maybe thats just me. Right now I see no nits.

Steve

[Peterpan]

Thanks Steve!

I will take a look at the title...:)

Bev

[Eisa]

Hi Bev

I love your descriptions in this ...
Death of a Life

I'm not sure of the title either - perhaps a rethink?

A sudden breeze
as time shrouds
your shoulders
for gentle rest.

Beautiful start

Although cold
in your sleep,
in our thoughts
you are breathing.

Winter brushes
across our path
tossing leaves
in anger.

a slight change for more conciseness could be

Winter brushes
across our path
angrily tossing leaves.

The assurance
of blossoms,
calms our
fragile spirit.

Nice turn around to end

I really enjoyed the read ... thanks!

Snow
[/quote]

[Thoth]

Hello Bev

I just found this little beauty that I missed before.

Although simple, it is very profound with deep underlying love and acceptance of that which we all must face. The stanzas read almost like haiku and the minimalist theme works well. I loved the metaphore of seasons for our feelings following bereavement, beautifully done!

I agree that the title is not optimum and a little re-arranging could smooth it out.

Here are some alternative ideas to mull over or discard as you wish;

Hugs,
Wally
(Title, perhaps; "Life in Death" or "Life after Death")

S1
“Soft breezes stir
as time gently cloaks
your shoulders in rest.

(I don’t like “sudden”, it doesn’t fit the mood of the poem. “cloaks”, is more protective)

S2
Although cold in sleep,
in our thoughts
you breath.
(Smoothed a bit, you could try " . . frozen in sleep,")

S3
Winter brushes our lives
tossing leaves
in anger.

[Peterpan]

Hello Thoth~

Thank you for searching and finding this poem. I had forgotten about it. My friend from Oz's father died and I get a bit emotional and poems are 'born'.

Thank you for your input.

I will be back to see what I should do re your suggestions.

Bev