The tour is far, the route adverse
our quests beset with balk and woe.
Most outcomes of our toil obverse
and greed shall tax what seed we sow.
Today, great rivers test our mind
that desert plains tomorrow be
lush pastures vast and unconfined;
more fertile than the plundered sea.

Tomorrow’s walls we need transcend
should man aspire to touch the stars;
at cost mere kings can’t comprehend,
untranquil mist our wisdom bars . . .
Whilst dreams yet dreams may long remain,
we’ll dream our God-games just the same.

Edit 1







This sonnet peeps into mankind’s indomitable will to master his environment at all cost, against adversity and setback. Although the wisdom of such endeavors could at times be questionable, without dreams we are nothing.


Copyright WW Schwim 22 July 2014

Good morn, Walter;
enjoyed reading your deeply reflective philosophical sonnet, although I must admit that L-11, 12 leave me somewhat in the dark. One moment I think I can fully grasp their meaning, but then it dissipates. However, I must admit: I feel sort of dense this morning (old age). It's great to see you posting, Wal.

Jerry

Tomorrow’s walls we need transcend,
untranquil mist our vision jars
and cost mere kings can’t comprehend
say man shalt never touch the stars.

Hey Jerry

Thanks for stopping by to read. Your comment is absolutely valid and even before I saw it, had already made some changes for clarity. I wrote this piece early this morning while still in bed (Its mid winter here) so I expect it to mature by the time spring arrives.
I added a note below to assist readers align their thoughts. Personally I struggle to follow some philosophical classics.

Hope it is a bit more comprehensible now.

Cheers

Wal

Hi there, Wal;
great rewrite!! And thanks for the explanatory note that confirms the mental image I had formed. I admire a poet who will undergo the tedious labor involved in rewriting his poetry.
I have no nits at all, Wal. Excellent sonnet. About the field of philosophy . . . lol. One of my great heroes is Nietzsche--probably because I wear his style of mustache. Mid-winter you say? Well, it's barely mid-summer here in Arizona and today's temperature is going to soar up to 115 F. Is it any wonder my brain is parboiled? See you soon,
Jerry

Hi Wally,

Glad to see you back and posting once more. Winters always get me down too.

Here are a few suggestions to TOT. They probably won't improve your philosophical musings but
I thought I'd toss my two cents in anyway.

QUOTE

The tour is far, the route adverse
our quests beset with balk and woe.
Most outcome of our toil obverse
(from plural “quests” to singular outcome/toil)
also (I see the usage of “obverse” depicts opposite results from what was desired… I think)

(Perhaps: Most outcomes of our toils obverse)
I also thought of:
(Most outcomes of our toils immerse
in greed and tax what seed we sow.)
and greed shall tax that seed we sow.
Today, great rivers test our mind
that desert plains tomorrow be
lush pastures vast and unconfined;
more fertile than the plundered sea.


Tomorrow’s walls we need transcend,
should man aspire to touch the stars
at cost mere kings can’t comprehend
untranquil mist our wisdom bars . . .(untranquil…? “a roiling mist our wisdom bars…)
Whilst dreams yet dreams may long remain,
we’ll dream our God-games just the same.

Without our dreams, there would be no accomplishments.

Larry

Please, Wally, will you post the first
edition and the subsequents?
For us to see what's best or worst
they must be there for our comments!!!

respectfully, Daniel

Hi Wally,

I've just read your poem and will not comment now as it's too late. Midwinter here also, with plenty of snow and now lots of rain.

I absolutely agree with the meaning of your poem. And for me, the "kings" are the 1% powerful rich in this unfair world. They only care for $$$... Maybe it's always been so, but Earth is overcrowded now in many areas, so the devastation is far more notable. Humankind will be kicked off the planet. I'd not care to be around in 15 years or so. Ironically, leaders make plans for 2030!!

My country is now being bullied into some kind of default by one of these rich vultures, by name of Paul Singer. He did the same to Perú a while back. as well as the Congo. He pounces on the vulnerable. Corrupt governments make countries an easy pick... but we the people are the ones that suffer.

Sorry!! Will be back. I like Larry's suggestions. I also checked out "untranquil" and was surprised that it exists, but it's not attractive to me.

Hugz,
Syl***

Hello Larry, Thanks for those suggestions you are correct in the singular /plural issue.

Daniel, I somehow lost the original text. Closest is in Larry's crit. Sorry . . .

Syl, Nice to see you you popping in for a read and chat. Hope all is well at home now.

"Untranquil mist" was chosen very specifically to serve the sub layer. The negated verb has implications reach beyond the immediate visual verb (turbulent or roiling) I was trying to create uneasiness perhaps a conflict or threat.

"Mere Kings" and the symbolic importance of rivers, deserts sea etc also serve that sub layer. Immediate financial cost to reach the stars sits on the surface layer but below that is the cost to humanity which of course only Gods could understand.

Forgive my rambling. I never usually expose sub layers and symbolism , most readers skim the surface blissfully unaware and those few capable of seeing deeper will make their own interpretation.

Cheers all

Wally

Wally,

As a simple rhymer I seldom (if ever) write anything thought provoking. That does not mean I can't appreciate reading the same. Good work.

Keith,
the happy chappy

Hi Wally,

A bit more serious sonnet in this lovely poem!
I do not see an issue on my first reading with 'untranquil mist' other than to perhaps place an emdash there to pause before reading 'our wisdom bars'.
Here are just a few thoughts below to ponder as you wish...



Enjoyed the read!
~Cleo

Sad yet beautiful, Wally. Love it!

Peggy

Kieth and Maggie, Thanks for popping in to read.

Lori, thank you for those suggestions re the grammar and punctuation. Always such a sharp eye for these things and much appreciated. I shall do a revision shortly.

Hugz

Wally

Hi Wally,

I look forward to seeing any changes you make!

Cheers,
~Cleo