Out to Pasture (Revision2) Options

[RC James]

The field lies barren
under a waning moon.
The brood mare suffers
from stiffened joints,
moves away from
the young mares’ jostling
and the new colt, set
to ride the wind.
She walks fence end
to fence end,
seeking solitude.

Her lineage,
stallions and mares,
graze in fields beyond her.
They buck and prance
as she did when the willows
brushed her nostrils;
now she stands quiescent
in their shade.


(revision1)
The field lies fallow
under a waning moon.
The brood mare droops
with lethargic steps.
Between the new colt
about to ride the wind,
and other mares’ jostling,
she trots fence end
to fence end,
embracing distance.

Her colts and fillies,
now stallions and mares,
graze in fields beyond her.
They buck and prance
as she did when the willows
brushed her nostrils;
now she’s in their shade
aged past breeding, quiescent.




(original)

The brood mare is tired;
between the new colt
about to ride the wind
and the other mares’ jostling,
she’s ready to trot
fence end to fence end,
she’s cultivating distance.

Her colts and fillies,
now stallions and mares,
graze in fields beyond her.
They buck and prance
the way she did when the willows
were only as high as her nostrils,
now she’s in their shade
aged past breeding, quiescent.

[Luce]

Nice narrative piece about growing old in a horse's world. I do like how you didn't give a lot of human qualities to the mare. You just stated what was most of the time.

My only big nit is that it reads more like prose than poetry (something I'm very guilty of doing of late myself). There are a few lines that stand out like "now she's in their shade" and "graze in fields beyond her" but I wish there were more.

My suggestions: shorten the lines, be careful not to tell us (the mood mare is tired) as oppose to showing us).

Luce

[Psyche]

I love poems about horses, RC.

You've painted a lovely picture here. Brings back memories of my childhood. I love the last S, and especially L4 and L5, because the mare is allowed to pasture and, hopefully, live out her last years in peace. Not the slaughter-house, as is so often the case.

They buck and prance
as she did when the willows
brushed her nostrils;
now she’s in their shade
aged past breeding, quiescent.


Hard to think of any nits. Personally, I have no problem with telling. Many famous poets told their stories in poetry. Metaphors, etc., are great when properly used. But they're often used badly and just complicate the readers understanding of them.
Then they have to be explained!

Thanks for sharing,
Syl***

[Luce]

WOW. What a difference a few changes make. I think you're getting there.

BTW, can you mark your revision "Revision" in the post? Always keep the current revision on top but indicated below any revisions in order of appearance. Always keep the original with the label "Original" at the bottom. Tighten up the space between the revisions and original. You can look at any of my poems for clarification.

This makes it easier to read and crit. for critters. Listing the revisions and original also shows what has changed and progression of the poem. In addition, I think this is the general format that MM prefers.

Additional comments/suggestions/questions. TOT:

The field lies fallow
under a waning moon.

L1 - Maybe "barren" as oppose to "fallow". It can be used to reflect the brood mare and it sets the tone.

The brood mare droops
with lethargic steps.

L3- Not fond of droops. What is actually drooping? If you know what it can be on a senior brood mare, then describe it. Otherwise just say "walk" for the reason stated directly below.


L4 - You're telling. What does "lethargic steps" look like? Suggestion here - Think about a senior animal. What changes? Her walk? As she gets older her joints stiffen, her gait becomes stiff, slow and she walks in pain. With this in mind maybe say "with stiffen joints".

Between the new colt
about to ride the wind,
and other mares’ jostling,

L5-L7 - I'd join L5 through L7 together with the lines above. This means no period before "steps" and no capital for "Between". Put a comma after "colt".

L7 - You have another opportunity to indirectly indicate the age of the brood mare. You can say "young" instead of "other".

she trots fence end
to fence end,
embracing distance.

L8 - Maybe "walk" instead of "trot".

L9 - Maybe "embracing" or "accepting" "isolation" instead. But, in the end, what do you think she's really embracing?

Her colts and fillies,

Maybe "her children" instead.

now stallions and mares,
graze in fields beyond her.

L11 - I Love "graze in fields beyond her".

They buck and prance
as she did when the willows
brushed her nostrils;
now she’s in their shade

L12-L15 - I love these closing lines especially "she's in their shade".

aged past breeding, quiescent.

L16 - You don't need this closing line. You've said it all in L15 and throughout the poem.

Nicely done!!

It's hard writing similes and metaphors because of the risk of it being understood. But, it's worth the effort. In this case, your whole poem is a metaphor about aging

Living in pain, isolated and forgotten is unfortunately the lot for most "human" seniors - not all.
Unfortunately, this is common for animals (senior or not) except that you can also add "euthanized" to the list.

Luce



The brood mare is tired;
between the new colt
about to ride the wind
and the other mares’ jostling,
she’s ready to trot
fence end to fence end,
she’s cultivating distance.

Her colts and fillies,
now stallions and mares,
graze in fields beyond her.
They buck and prance
the way she did when the willows
were only as high as her nostrils,
now she’s in their shade
aged past breeding, quiescent.

[RC James]

Luce - I didn't want to lose quiescent, and the one final line didn't seem complete without it, so I kept that in without "past breeding." R

[Eisa]

I love this one Richard and your revision is spot on as far a I'm concerned. Some of your images are lovely especially in the last stanza.


They buck and prance
as she did when the willows
brushed her nostrils;


The minor change you've made to the last lines are perfect!

now she stands quiescent
in their shade.

Always good to read your work
Eira

[RC James]

thanks very much Eira - I think it's complete now, R

[Luce]

thanks very much Eira - I think it's complete now, R

Richard,

A poem is never finished. It evolves over time. Your perspective changes and the wording and images you thought were fine, are not good enough - weeks, months or years later.

Just look at the original and the two revisions you've done so far in a short space of time. Each time you revised the poem, it changed, ever so slightly for the better. At the end of the process, you and the reader should be reading a clearer, focused and stronger poem.

Of course with revisions, you run the risk of losing your voice. However, you're a strong enough poet to incorporate suggestions without losing your stamp on the poem.

And P.S. - Poem reading a little stronger with 2nd revision. Well done.

Luce

[RC James]

yes, that was a slip of the pen, rarely can we say something is finished, but the elements I want in it are there, there are probably different ways of arranging those elements now. R

[Heather]

This is lovely! The revision seems to be working well. I guess I can see the point of not using 'colts and fillies', but I don't think 'offspring' works that well either. Would it be too weird to just say:
her own,
now stallions and mares

I'm sure you'll find something that clicks. I really like this poem though.
Heather

[RC James]

Heather - I tried "lineage" there, horse language, so I think it might work. R

[Heather]

Ooohh- I, for one, love that!