Greetings, Terry!
Sorry I have overlooked this one for so long! My sight isn't the best, and my scanning is about as bad as anything can be... but I'm glad I discovered this piece. I'd forgotten about the form. It's Cathy B's own creation... when she was a moderator at the old Poetic Voices, now subsumed into PT... so you can consult her about your progress directly. I think you meant that you'd actually looked at Karnak, but here is the link anyhow:
Atarlis FileataYou may note there that my first attempt at the form resulted in a non-rhymed piece as well, but of course that misses one of the three salient features of Cat's form, the one rhyme. The other two are the WORD-count 2-3-4-5-4-3-2, rather than typical SYLLABLE-count (which you accomplished) and repetition or slight recasting of the first and second lines as the second-to-last and last lines (which you also accomplished by pure repetition).
I think your piece hangs together well just as is, leaving lots of room for interpretation with a number of immages stimulated. It doesn't need to be this particular form to work... and creating one is maybe a bit harder than at first it may seem.
Good job... and great attempt at the form too. I hope Cat chimes in.
deLighting in sharing... though a bit late, Daniel