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The Rival |
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Apr 28 10, 12:46
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 327
Joined: 17-May 08
From: San Juan Puerto Rico
Member No.: 508
Real Name: Sergio Ortiz
Writer of: Poetry
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The Rival
We picnicked in the death stench of ripe West Indian cherries; the long eared fox, his Catalina swimsuit princess and me, the occasional need for a secret gesture—a hand full of blind seeds—yes for yeses.
She’d fall asleep on thin sand covered in suntan lotion. I’d watch you try to woo her with your boa, yet it was me whose tinder cage you’d lit.
I pretended to be the windshield wiper blowing out the flame in your large green eyes. Yes, I wanted you horizontal, our heads in the interior of mirrors escaping down cobblestone alleys
full of heavy sculpted women diminishing our perceptions, borrowing light from the Big Dipper. But when your eyes singed the air between us she’d awaken and strain my lungs through a conical sieve.
Your lips would parch and bleed. We dropped her off at the guesthouse. I wheeled silence the rest of the way home, trying to avoid the ruts full of anger.
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May 1 10, 02:13
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Ornate Oracle
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 8,888
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting
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Hi Sergio,
This is decidedly an interesting poem which deserves more reads before I can comment.
Could you please put me in context a little? I find the first few lines, or perhaps the whole first strophe, a bit obscure.
I gather that there's a threesome relationship going on here. Is one of the trio perhaps a male who is in love with the other male character? If you could sort out the tensions going on between the trio for me a little (supposing I've interpreted it correctly, or not), I would love to offer some suggestions regarding the outlay of your poem.
Greetings from Sylvia
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Mis temas favoritos The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
"There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction."
Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
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May 1 10, 07:54
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 327
Joined: 17-May 08
From: San Juan Puerto Rico
Member No.: 508
Real Name: Sergio Ortiz
Writer of: Poetry
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Slyvia it is about a threesome, three friends together at the beach. Only the girl does not really love her boyfriend. But there is another man, one that does love her boyfriend. The boyfriend loves him too but he is too afraid to tell her.
Frankly Slyvia, if you don't understand this, you leave me wondering how much poetry you read in your free time. A poet that does not read other poets ends up writing the same poem over and over again.
Sergio
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May 2 10, 22:58
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Ornate Oracle
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 8,888
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting
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Thank you for confirming what I had already interpreted from your poem, Sergio, with a view to making some suggestions that might have been welcome. Of course I'll not question you any more or attempt any critique, considering your personal remarks on my reading habits.
Nonetheless, your piece is well-composed and I sincerely wish you much success with your publications. Why do you post in these workshop forums?
Sylvia
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Mis temas favoritos The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
"There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction."
Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
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May 3 10, 18:18
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 327
Joined: 17-May 08
From: San Juan Puerto Rico
Member No.: 508
Real Name: Sergio Ortiz
Writer of: Poetry
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Sylvia I wanted critique, I don't know it all. But what I get lot of the time is people talking down to me, people who don't have anywhere near the publishing credits that I do. And that gets kind of old after a while, specially when my poems have been published in over 255 journal (print and online), e-zines, and anthologies. And I wonder, is it that I am Hispanic? Is it that I write about being gay? It's got to be something, because in really life no one ever addresses themselves to me the way some people do here. I 60 years old and more than a little tired with this thing.
Sergio
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Jun 6 10, 09:54
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,446
Joined: 16-October 06
From: UK
Member No.: 298
Real Name: Alan McAlpine Douglas
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori/Eisa/loads of old friends
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Dear Sergio,
I note your comments to Sylvia. We here are not professional poets, rather enthusiastic amateurs.
I have read your poems but find myself unable to crit or even comment because I find what you write completely passes me by. It is not that you are gay or Spanish or 150 years old. It is because what you say in the poem leaves me with more questions than answers, and frankly not enough interest to struggle to find out.
Only after some other brave soul queries the poem, and you give some kind of data, that I might understand what on earth you are talking about.
Poems that are so obscure for me fail the test of art - which, again, for me, is the quality of communication. For me, a poem should be relatively self-contained, but so far yours without the added data are not.
Again, I have no doubt you are a successful poet in your own spheres, and good for you on that. Simply not MY spheres.
BTW, I totally accept that what I write probably will not please you either, you may say I am far too obvious, or similar. That's fine.
Sylvia had a good question - why are you here on crit forums since you should be GIVING us crit, not needing to take it. And please do not take this as a signal I think you should leave, not at all. If you post on a crit forum, and get crit, do not be surprised, and do not attack the person critting for their ignorance. That is what I am, I will not speak for Sylvia on that.
Love Alan
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