 Cherished Melodies, swap quatrain - revised 10/22 |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
 Oct 8 07, 06:32
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#1
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 Ornate Oracle  Posts: 4,592 Joined: 31-October 03 From: New Jersey Member No.: 39 Real Name: John Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Larry Carr  |
1st Revision: 10/22
CHERISHED MELODIES Tender, sincere traits we now appreciate; dwelling on quaint ones we hope to emulate. Plans for a secret, romantic night awaits; we now appreciate tender, sincere traits. Cherished old songs with lilting melodies once again evoke infatuation’s fantasies. Our treasured, raptured memories belong with lilting melodies’ cherished old songs. Aroused, fervent flames we long to ignite; amorous yearnings we can no longer fight. Heart’s desires dispel once foolish blames; we long to ignite aroused, fervent flames. Idyllic pleasures’ bliss within our reach; a peaceful gift we’ll covet, never breach. A splendid, blossomed meadowland exists… within our reach, idyllic pleasures’ bliss. On beds of wildflowers we’ll cozily lie; our canopy chosen… a powder blue sky. This colorful, gorgeous setting is ours; we’ll cozily lie on beds of wildflowers. Shared dreams reflect joys of our past, we faithfully vow that our love will last. Our harmonious souls reunite to protect joys of our past, shared dreams reflect. CHERISHED MELODIES
Sincere, tender traits we now appreciate, dwelling on quaint ones we hope to emulate. Plans for a secret, romantic night awaits, we now appreciate sincere, tender traits. Cherished old songs with lilting melodies once again evoke infatuation's fantasies. A treasured, joyous memory belongs with lilting melodies' cherished old songs. Aroused, fervent flames we long to ignite, amorous yearnings we can no longer fight. Heart's desire dispels once foolish blames, we long to ignite aroused, fervent flames. Idyllic pleasures' bliss within our reach, a peaceful gift we'll covet, never breach. A splendid, blossomed meadow exists - within our reach, idyllic pleasures' bliss. On a bed of wildflowers we'll cozily lie, our canopy of choice, a powder blue sky. This gorgeous, colorful setting is ours; we'll cozily lie on a bed of wildflowers. Shared dreams reflect joys of our past, we faithfully vow that our love will last. Our harmonious souls reunite to protect joys of our past, shared dreams reflect. ·······  ·······Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays.
Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner             |
  
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Oct 8 07, 09:26
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#2
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 Creative Chieftain  Posts: 862 Joined: 25-June 04 From: Ohio, USA Member No.: 70 Real Name: Susan Eckenrode Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Merlin |
lovely sentiments... that tho not metered, do flow freely.
You lose the rhyme here: Treasured, joyous memories are renewed with lilting melodies' cherished old songs. Sue ······· ······· |
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Oct 8 07, 11:20
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#3
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 Ornate Oracle Posts: 2,085 Joined: 24-May 04 From: Time, Immoral Member No.: 66 Writer of: Poetry |
Hi JLY,
Good on ya for doing a swapper of 6 quatrains. I've not managed that; of course, I've only ever done a couple of 'em. Nice scenery presented. I would suggest tossing (down in V5) "canopy of choice" in favor of "canopy chosen" to maintain the beat. Merlin ······· ······· |
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Oct 8 07, 11:28
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#4
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 4,592 Joined: 31-October 03 From: New Jersey Member No.: 39 Real Name: John Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Larry Carr |
Sue,
Thank you. I never realized I missed the rhyme. I need to fix that right away. Good catch. JLY ······· ·······Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays.
Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Oct 8 07, 11:30
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#5
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 4,592 Joined: 31-October 03 From: New Jersey Member No.: 39 Real Name: John Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Larry Carr |
Merlin,
Thanks for the suggestion and support. I have some fixing to do and I will work on it shortly. JLY ······· ·······Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays.
Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Oct 8 07, 16:33
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#6
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 Assyrian Posts: 181 Joined: 13-September 07 From: Conway, Arkansas Member No.: 468 Real Name: Pamela Writer of: Poetry Referred By:self |
This is me, Pami, just standing in the corner in awe.
······· ·······A relaxed attitude, and a heart of gratitude, increases life whilst joy doth exude! <:))))><
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Oct 9 07, 05:24
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#7
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 4,592 Joined: 31-October 03 From: New Jersey Member No.: 39 Real Name: John Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Larry Carr |
Pami,
Thanks, but please come out of the shadows of the corner and enjoy the melodies of your old favorite songs. JLY ······· ·······Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays.
Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Oct 9 07, 09:21
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#8
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 Creative Chieftain Posts: 544 Joined: 3-May 07 From: Central Florida Member No.: 427 Real Name: Judith Labriola Writer of: Poetry |
Jly, I am coming in late on this and the "fixers" have come and gone. I think with a few tweaks here and there you could also bring this into meter.
This is truly a wonderful poem with much potential...Judi ······· ······· |
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Oct 9 07, 15:13
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#9
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 4,592 Joined: 31-October 03 From: New Jersey Member No.: 39 Real Name: John Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Larry Carr |
Judi,
Thank you. It needs some work and that is why I posted it here; I'm always looking for suggestions. JLY ······· ·······Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays.
Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Oct 13 07, 11:00
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#10
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hello John.
 I really enjoyed this poem, it leaves me a calming sense of mind.  Below you'll find some comments to take or toss as you wish. Sincere, tender traits we now appreciate, dwelling on quaint ones we hope to emulate. Plans for a secret, romantic night awaits, we now appreciate sincere, tender traits. A lovely opening John. I suggest swapping tender and sincer to smooth the meter just a tad in L1 & L4. One alterate suggestion would be a change in L1 to (and no worries on the extra beat it will cause): Tender, sincere traits we've come to appreciate, and for L4: We've come to appreciate tender, sincere traits. Cherished old songs with lilting melodies once again evoke infatuation's fantasies. Good imagination here A treasured, joyous memory belongs with lilting melodies' cherished old songs. nice swap! Aroused, fervent flames we long to ignite, amorous yearnings we can no longer fight. Heart's desire dispels once foolish blames, we long to ignite aroused, fervent flames. In L3, I suggest a slight change to: Heart's desires dispel once foolish blames; and add a semi-colon there. Idyllic pleasures' bliss within our reach, a peaceful gift we'll covet, never breach. A splendid, blossomed meadow exists - within our reach, idyllic pleasures' bliss. In L3 I suggest adding one beat - perhaps: A splendid, blossomed meadowland exists - On a bed of wildflowers we'll cozily lie, our canopy of choice, a powder blue sky. This gorgeous, colorful setting is ours; we'll cozily lie on a bed of wildflowers. I agree with Eric's suggested change of choice to chosen (and then ditch the 'a') in L2. For meter smoothing I suggest swapping the position of colorful and gorgeous as well. One other thought would be to make 'bed' plural - on beds of . :) Shared dreams reflect joys of our past, we faithfully vow that our love will last. Our harmonious souls reunite to protect joys of our past, shared dreams reflect. In L1 and 4 - I sugget a sub. for 'joys' since you've already used 'joyous' in other stanza. Perhaps: Shared dreams reflect delights of our past. I enjoyed this one John - well done. Hoping we can include this in our SQ collaboration. Cheers! ~Cleo 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner   |
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Oct 14 07, 15:47
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#11
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 4,592 Joined: 31-October 03 From: New Jersey Member No.: 39 Real Name: John Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Larry Carr |
Lori,
Many thanks. Each of your suggestions seems to work a bit better. I had a lot of trouble with this one and labored over it for quite a while. Now I have some more things to work with to smooth this one over. JLY ······· ·······Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays.
Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Oct 15 07, 08:10
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#12
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi John,
 I look forward to any revisons that you may make to this one! Might I add it to our list for the collaboration chapbook (check your PM)? Sometimes, at least when I get stuck with my muse, I put it away, do something else, and come back to the write again with a clear mind. It works on occassion (when my muse obliges). HUGS ~Cleo 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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Oct 15 07, 08:21
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#13
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 4,592 Joined: 31-October 03 From: New Jersey Member No.: 39 Real Name: John Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Larry Carr |
Lori,
Once this is polished a bit more.....I would glady offer it to you for the chapbook. I am currently working on 3 poems....I go back and forth to each of them when I exhaust my creative juices on the one that I hit the wall....I am like a juggler, trying to keep them all in a poetic flow. JLY ······· ·······Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays.
Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Oct 15 07, 08:25
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#14
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Great idea John!
 I haven't written three at a time before though,  but I am alternating between writing notes for my sci-fi novel idea and reading lots of books/articles on novel writing, and commenting here on the forum. I'm hoping this vacation will spark something new (like the Nantucket one did).  At least when you  , you don't let it crash you! I need to try that!HUGS Lori 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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Oct 15 07, 12:11
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#15
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 4,592 Joined: 31-October 03 From: New Jersey Member No.: 39 Real Name: John Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Larry Carr |
Lori,
In addition, I am putting the final touches on my next chapbook. I will be sending you the material very shortly, so you will have another project to work on. JLY ······· ·······Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays.
Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
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| Guest_Cathy_* |
Oct 16 07, 06:31
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#16
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Hi John,
I'm sorry that it's taken so long for me to respond. I've read it through a couple of times and now have a few thoughts for you to ponder... Cathy Sincere, tender traits we now appreciate{,}[;] dwelling on quaint ones we hope to emulate. < I like the use of 'quaint' here... Plans for a secret, romantic night awaits{,}[;] we now appreciate sincere, tender traits. Cherished old songs with lilting melodies once again evoke infatuation's fantasies. A treasured, joyous memory belongs Maybe... 'Treasured, joyous memories belong'... Wouldn't there be more than one memory? with lilting melodies' cherished old songs. Aroused, fervent flames we long to ignite{,}[;] amorous yearnings we can no longer fight. Heart's desire dispels once foolish blames{,}[;] < 'Heart's desires dispel'...? we long to ignite aroused, fervent flames. Idyllic pleasures' bliss within our reach{,}[;] a peaceful gift we'll covet, never breach. A splendid, blossomed meadow exists - within our reach, idyllic pleasures' bliss. Maybe an elipsis instead of a comma? On a bed of wildflowers we'll cozily lie{,}[;] our canopy of choice{,}[...] a powder blue sky. This gorgeous, colorful setting is ours; we'll cozily lie on a bed of wildflowers. Shared dreams reflect joys of our past, we faithfully vow that our love will last. Our harmonious souls reunite to protect joys of our past, shared dreams reflect. |
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Oct 16 07, 07:37
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#17
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 4,592 Joined: 31-October 03 From: New Jersey Member No.: 39 Real Name: John Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Larry Carr |
Cathy,
Thanks for taking the time. Each of your thoughtful tweaks seems to be an improvement over my original posting, so I will be certainly using your input for my next revision. JLY ······· ·······Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays.
Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Oct 28 07, 17:10
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#18
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi John,
Just checking back in - I'm holding open the 25th slot for you - would you prefer this poem or your newer 'Intermission' for your 2nd SQ? Cheers ~Cleo 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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Oct 29 07, 06:41
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#19
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 4,592 Joined: 31-October 03 From: New Jersey Member No.: 39 Real Name: John Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Larry Carr |
Lori,
I would go with Cherished Melodies...it is more polished than Intermission. Thanks, JLY ······· ·······Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays.
Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
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