Disingenuous-Final Revision 10/16/06, Wizard Award ~ A Logarhyme Options

[AMETHYST]

~~~~Final Revision~~~~~~~~
Disingenuous

They strolled along a country lane
as God and Goddess-both insane
with love's desire.
He wore a silver wedding band,
but switched it to the other hand.
Deceitful liar!

It took sometime before she saw
the stain of sin, his hidden flaw
in dog-days heat.
A shy and charming smile had sent
awry his sensual intent;
her heart's defeat.

She told him how much she'd detest
a married man in wolfen dress
who woos a girl.
He swore upon his kingdom's throne
a single man, he lived alone-
and set awirl

a decadence; descending quick.
This left the nymph now feeling sick
and lonely still.
With broken heart, she hides away
and waits to feel again some day
a lover's will.



~~~~~~~~Third Revision 10/08/06~~~~~~~~~~~~

Disingenuous

They walked along a country lane
as God and Goddess-both insane
with love's desire.
He wore a silver wedding band,
but switched it to the other hand.
Deceitful liar!

It took some time before she saw
the stain of sin, his hidden flaw
in dog-days heat.
A shy and charming smile had sent
awry his sensual intent;
her heart's defeat.

She told him how much she'd detest
a married man in wolfen dress
who woos a girl.
He swore upon his kingdom's throne
a single man, he lived alone-
and set a whirl

a decadence; descending quick.
This left the nymph now feeling sick
and lonely still.
With broken heart, she hides away
and waits to feel again some day
a lover's will.



~~~~~~~~Second Revision 09/29/06~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Disingenuous

They walked along a country lane
as God and Goddess-both insane
with love's desire.
He wore a silver wedding band,
but switched it to the other hand.
Deceitful liar!

It took some time before she saw
the stain of sin, his hidden flaw
in dog-days heat.
A shy and charming smile had sent
awry his sensual intent;
her heart's defeat.

she told him how she so detest
a married man in wolfen dress
who woos a girl.
He swore upon his kingdom's throne
a single man, he lived alone-
and set a whirl

a decadence; descending quick.
This left the nymph now feeling sick
and lonely still.
With broken heart, she hides away
and waits to feel again some day
a lover's will.



~~~~~~~~~~~~Original Draft~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Royal Revilement



They walked along a country lane
as God and Goddess; both insane
with love's desire.
He wore a glittering wedding band
but switched it to the other hand,
just like a liar.

It took her long before she saw
the stain of sin they headed for;
from dog-days heat.
A shy and charming smile had sent
ideas of sensual intent;
her hearts defeat.

she told him so how she detest
a married man in wolf like dress
to swoon a girl.
He swore upon his kingdoms throne
a single man, he lived alone-
and set a whirl

a decandance; descending quick
then left the nymph now feeling sick;
and lonely still:
With broken heart: she hides away
and waits to feel again some day
a lover's will.



stain
walked
dog-days
detest
nightcap
country
glittering
goddess
descended
nymph

This post has been edited by Cleo_Serapis: Jan 28 07, 15:01

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Liz,

Very well done with the ten words! A sad story that happens all too often... then and now. Only difference being that back then it probably wasn't as apparent. Although the result is the same... a broken heart and possibly ruined life.

A few thoughts to use or lose...
Cathy

They walked along a country lane
as God and Goddess; both insane
with love's desire.
He wore a glittering wedding band
but switched it to the[his] other hand,
just like a liar.

It took her long[some time] before she saw Using 'her long' sounds as though something's missing IMO
the stain of sin they headed for;
from dog-days heat.
A shy and charming smile had sent
ideas of sensual intent;
her hearts defeat.

She told him so how she [so] detests
a married man in wolf[-]like dress
to[who] swoons a girl.
He swore upon his kingdom[']s throne[,]
a single man, he lived alone-
and set a[-]whirl Should that be hyphenated or one word?

a decandance; descending quick[,]
then left the nymph now feeling sick; This could be interpreted a couple of different ways... sick at heart or morning sickness maybe?
and lonely still:
With broken heart: she hides away
and waits to feel again some day
a lover's will.

[AMETHYST]

Hi Cathy,

Thank you for coming on in and setting some great suggestions down for me to begin revisions. Yes, it's a really bad joke on the person who believes in him/her (woman do this too and it hurts on either side) and she/he falls helplessly in love, losing so much of themselves only to find out that nothing wihin the relationship is real. It is hard and unfortunately, many people who go through this, lose so much trust in others and mostly in themselves and their judgement in other people that they really do hide away and make themselves UNAVAILABLE.

You've grasped the story line well and I am glad to hear that feedback as it helps to see if my intentions come off clear.

Hugs, Liz ...

Hi Liz,

Very well done with the ten words! A sad story that happens all too often... then and now. Only difference being that back then it probably wasn't as apparent. Although the result is the same... a broken heart and possibly ruined life.

A few thoughts to use or lose...
Cathy

They walked along a country lane
as God and Goddess; both insane
with love's desire.
He wore a glittering wedding band
but switched it to the[his] other hand,
just like a liar.

Good suggestion, will be using it. :)

It took her long[some time] before she saw Using 'her long' sounds as though something's missing IMO
the stain of sin they headed for;
from dog-days heat.
A shy and charming smile had sent
ideas of sensual intent;
her hearts defeat.

Great Suggestion. 'before she saw' I see your point... as if she is sort of slow...

She told him so how she [so] detests
a married man in wolf[-]like dress
to[who] swoons a girl.
He swore upon his kingdom[']s throne[,]
a single man, he lived alone-
and set a[-]whirl Should that be hyphenated or one word?

Very strong suggestions here as well. I especially like the change in L3, 'who swoons a girl." ... I am not sure about the hyphenated awhirl... or perhaps a whirl ... Hmmmms, off to dictionary.com!


a decandance; descending quick[,]
then left the nymph now feeling sick; This could be interpreted a couple of different ways... sick at heart or morning sickness maybe?
and lonely still:
With broken heart: she hides away
and waits to feel again some day
a lover's will.


Ah, thank you for catching my typo. Actually it should be decadence... I really messed that up! LOL Thank yoiu for the keen eye.

Yes, I hadn't noticed the duality of 'feeling sick' even if not pregnant. The meaning could imply physically ill, mentally ill, emotionally ill, and yes, pregnant... Good catch.

I will be using many of your thoughts and suggestions during my revision process.

Big Hugs, Liz

[JustDaniel]

Well, Liz... you prove that LogaRhyme fits well into the tradition of a ballad, and you tell a story here befitting a ballad as well, and well-told!

I'm too impatient with my own stumbling over explanation, so please allow me to dance with this a little, except to say that I think all of your semi-colons could be mere commas or dashes. There are not complete clauses following them). Forgive me if I step on the tips of your dancing shoes, will you? I can be a bit clumsy betimes:

A Royal Revilement

[ I'm not sure that this royal personage did any reviling (which is usually verbal), even though he did a bit of degrading ? ]

They walked along a country lane
as God and Goddess; both insane [ em-dash? ]
with love's desire.
He wore a glittering wedding band
but switched it to the other hand[.] (,)
just like (Deceit's a liar[)].

It took her long before she saw
Unconsciously she would ignore
the stain of sin they'd headed for ( ; )
from dog-days heat.
A shy and charming smile had sent
ideas of awry his sensual intent; [ em-dash? ]
her heart[']s defeat.

She told him so how that she'd so detest
a married man in wolfen like dress
who'd to s woo n a girl. [ 'swoon' is an intransitive verb, requiring no object, methinks ]
He swore upon his kingdom[']s throne
a "I'm single, and I man, he live d alone[" -]-
and set awhirl

a decandance; descending quick[,]
then he left the nymph now feeling sick; [ em-dash? ]
and lonely still[.] (:)
With broken heart[,] (:) she hides away
and waits to feel again some day
a lover's will.

I hope that you won't curse at me
or bleed or one-foot-hop; you see...
I tried to help!

Lightly duckin', Daniel

[Eisa]

Hi Liz

Ah! ... one of my favourite forms. You have done a good job here to fit in all the words of the challenge.

A few first thoughts.

They walked along a country lane
as God and Goddess[;], both insane
with love's desire.
He wore a glittering wedding band
but switched it to the other hand,
just like a liar.

It took [her long]sometime before she saw
the stain of sin they headed for[;],
from dog-days heat.
A shy and charming smile had sent
ideas of sensual intent;
her hearts defeat.

She told him [so] how she so detest s
a married man in wolf-like dress
to [swoon]woo a girl.
or excites the girls
He swore upon his kingdoms throne
a single man, he lived alone-
and set a whirl

a decandance[;]--descending quick
then left the nymph now feeling sick[;]
and lonely still[:]
With broken heart[:] she hides away
and waits to feel again some day
yet hopes to feel again
a lover's will.

I feel you have too many colon's and semicolons in the wrong places.

Just a few thoughts -- I shall be back to this!

hugs Snow

[AMETHYST]

Well, Liz... you prove that LogaRhyme fits well into the tradition of a ballad, and you tell a story here befitting a ballad as well, and well-told!

Hi Daniel,

The Logarhyme, often reminds me of a ballad. I thank you for the lovey compliments... I do love Ballads, and sadly haven't written one in a long, long while. I think my last one was "Love Notes" ...years back.



I'm too impatient with my own stumbling over explanation, so please allow me to dance with this a little, except to say that I think all of your semi-colons could be mere commas or dashes. There are not complete clauses following them). Forgive me if I step on the tips of your dancing shoes, will you? I can be a bit clumsy betimes:

Dance away Daniel...

A Royal Revilement

[ I'm not sure that this royal personage did any reviling (which is usually verbal), even though he did a bit of degrading ? ]


I will have to keep this in mind when searching a better title for this. Right now, this is a place holder till I stumble on the perfect title. Thank you for letting me know my doubts on it (although different from your own reasoning) were in the right direction!

They walked along a country lane
as God and Goddess; both insane [ em-dash? ]
with love's desire.
He wore a glittering wedding band
but switched it to the other hand[.] (,)
just like (Deceit's a liar[)].

I will have to consider 'deceit's' as it does change what I was implying. Or perhaps... "Deceitful liar!" What do you think about that? ...

It took her long before she saw
Unconsciously she would ignore
the stain of sin they'd headed for ( ; )
from dog-days heat.

I don't think 'ignore' would be the right word here. She didn't ignore it, but hadn't seen it. Was completely unaware it existed. To ignore something, even unconsciously, you would have to have some idea it existed. Either by accident or intentional.

I certainly need to add that ''d after they'd... Thank you!



A shy and charming smile had sent
ideas of awry his sensual intent; [ em-dash? ]
her heart[']s defeat.

Love the change suggestion for 'awry his sensual intent; Very strong... Will most likely be using this... Thank you Daniel...


She told him so how that she'd so detest
a married man in wolfen like dress
who'd to s woo n a girl. [ 'swoon' is an intransitive verb, requiring no object, methinks ]


I like woo better than swoon... and wolfen is also another very positive change. Will be considering these changes during upcoming revisions. :)



He swore upon his kingdom[']s throne
a "I'm single, and I man, he live d alone[" -]-
and set awhirl

It would change the third person narrative. I will keep thinking on alternates though.

a decandance; descending quick[,]
then he left the nymph now feeling sick; [ em-dash? ]
and lonely still[.] (:)
With broken heart[,] (:) she hides away
and waits to feel again some day
a lover's will.

I hope that you won't curse at me
or bleed or one-foot-hop; you see...
I tried to help!

You helped very much, thank you! And you barely touched my toes... LOL

Lightly duckin', Daniel

Thank you Daniel... I will be posting a revision soon enough.

Best to you, Liz

[AMETHYST]

Hi Liz

Ah! ... one of my favourite forms. You have done a good job here to fit in all the words of the challenge.

Hi Snow, Mine too. I remember when Keith introduced us to his playful form and we began the Logarhyme Fun Thread... boy some of them were great... Thank you for the encouragement, I enjoyed the challenge so much. I think in order for me to write anything new, I have to step into the Challenge Forums!


A few first thoughts.

They walked along a country lane
as God and Goddess[;], both insane
with love's desire.
He wore a glittering wedding band
but switched it to the other hand,
just like a liar.

Thank you to both you and Daniel, my Punctuation Pals.. I am in such dire need of learning proper usage. Unfortunately, I have read book upon book upon book and I still unknowingly misuse certain punctuations.

It took [her long]sometime before she saw
the stain of sin they headed for[;],
from dog-days heat.
A shy and charming smile had sent
ideas of sensual intent;
her hearts defeat.

I will most likely use 'sometimes, it does bring it closer to the meaning, than 'her long' ...

She told him [so] how she so detest s
a married man in wolf-like dress
to [swoon]woo a girl.
or excites the girls
He swore upon his kingdoms throne
a single man, he lived alone-
and set a whirl

[/b] I really like the use of woo, and will most likely use it. I like the 'excites the girls' but I think I much rather be woo'd than excited, at least if I was her !

[/b]

a decandance[;]--descending quick
then left the nymph now feeling sick[;]
and lonely still[:]
With broken heart[:] she hides away
and waits to feel again some day
yet hopes to feel again
a lover's will.

I will have to really think on the whole of this stanza before making any real decisions. I agree, I misused too many colon's and semicolons ... I will weed them out!



I feel you have too many colon's and semicolons in the wrong places.

Just a few thoughts -- I shall be back to this!

hugs Snow

Hugs Snow, You've been a great help... I hope to have a revision up soon... using the great feedback I've received so far.

Thank you... Hugs ,Liz

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Amethyst... so many others have given such good critiques all i wanted to say was this was a great form and great use of ten worrd challenge.
Steve

[AMETHYST]

Amethyst... so many others have given such good critiques all i wanted to say was this was a great form and great use of ten worrd challenge.
Steve

Thank you Steve,

Yes, I've received excellent feedback and I am putting this input to use. I am always open to a more indepth commentary, critique from others as well. It is 'fostering feedback' that makes the site beneficial to everyone's progress in their poetry and revision.

Look forward to more of your thoughts on the boards!

Best Regards, Liz

[JustDaniel]

... and as for the title, how about something like Revulsion Royale ?

[AMETHYST]

... and as for the title, how about something like Revulsion Royale ?

Very nice Daniel, or perhaps...

"Revulsive Royale" ...

Or Disingenuous Don


Or perhaps... Just Disingenuous.

Hugs, Liz

[Guest_Gregory_*]

Amethyst, I like the revised version and the ballad itself. i do like the form of LogaRhyme in its ballad like rhythm. Some do fall then find nothing in their hearts and some fall for someone that seems to find something in their hearts. The hard thing is blaming the other when both have no control, and both believe they do. I deal with cases like this everyday in my counselling, you explain this very well. Cheers Gregory

[AMETHYST]

Hi Gregory,

Thank you for stopping in. I appreciate your thoughts and interpretations. I hope that the story is clear enough for the audience, that the male within the story falsely represents himself to the girl, misleading her to think he is free to fall in love. Oh yes, and isn't love a difficult thing to understand sometimes.

Wishing you well.
Liz

Amethyst, I like the revised version and the ballad itself. i do like the form of LogaRhyme in its ballad like rhythm. Some do fall then find nothing in their hearts and some fall for someone that seems to find something in their hearts. The hard thing is blaming the other when both have no control, and both believe they do. I deal with cases like this everyday in my counselling, you explain this very well. Cheers Gregory

[JustDaniel]

Dearest Liz...

Thy words are as honey on my tongue
I shall cherish each morning
for the rest of my life.

In other words, I like your title change!

honeyed tongue planted firmly but Lightly in cheek, Daniel

[AMETHYST]

Dearest Liz...

Thy words are as honey on my tongue
I shall cherish each morning
for the rest of my life.

In other words, I like your title change!

honeyed tongue planted firmly but Lightly in cheek, Daniel

Thanks for the vote on the Title, actually you helped to push me toward that... and I thank you.

Best Wishes, Liz

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Liz,

I like the changes you've made. Especially the first verse... it somehow reads smoother due to the last line.

They walked along a country lane
as God and Goddess-both insane
with love's desire.
He wore a glittering wedding band,
but switched it to the other hand.
Deceitful liar!

It took some[]time before she saw I think there should be a space there maybe?
the stain of sin they'd headed for
from dog-days heat.
A shy and charming smile had sent
awry his sensual intent;
her heart's defeat.

[S]he told him how she so detest
a married man in wolfen dress
who woo's a girl.
He swore upon his kingdom[']s throne
a single man, he lived alone-
and set a whirl

a decandance; descending quick. 'decadence' *smiles* You were the one who told me how to spell it!
This left the nymph now feeling sick
and lonely still.
With broken heart, she hides away
and waits to feel again some day
a lover's will.

Most enjoyable rhythm~
Cathy

[AMETHYST]

Hi Cathy ...


Goodness thank you so much for catching both my misspelled word, decadence and the space between some time... which you are right. Thank you for the encouragement in the revisions. I am still making minor considerations but over all I am quite grateful for the excellent feedback and the growth of the poem

Big Hugs, Liz ...

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Your most welcome Liz!

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Liz.

I like the revisions thus far and have a few more suggestions to offer to you below. I like the build-up from S1, showing the deceit and through to the ending, how it affected her psyche.

Well done - the title change is much better too!

[+] {-}

They walked along a country lane
as God and Goddess-both insane
with love's desire.
He wore a glittering wedding band,
but switched it to the other hand.
Deceitful liar!

It took some time before she saw
the stain of sin they'd headed for (near rhyme - suggest: the stain of sin; his hidden flaw)
from dog-days heat.
A shy and charming smile had sent
awry his sensual intent;
her heart's defeat.

[S]he told him how she {so} [does] detest
a married man in wolfen dress
who woo's a girl. (no apostrophe in woos)
He swore upon his kingdom[‘]s throne
a single man, he lived alone-
and set a whirl

a decadence; descending quick.
This left the nymph now feeling sick
and lonely still.
With broken heart, she hides away
and waits to feel again some day
a lover's will.

Sad but poignant ending!
~Cleo

[AMETHYST]

Hi Liz.

I like the revisions thus far and have a few more suggestions to offer to you below. I like the build-up from S1, showing the deceit and through to the ending, how it affected her psyche.

Well done - the title change is much better too!

[+] {-}

They walked along a country lane
as God and Goddess-both insane
with love's desire.
He wore a glittering wedding band,
but switched it to the other hand.
Deceitful liar!

It took some time before she saw
the stain of sin they'd headed for (near rhyme - suggest: the stain of sin; his hidden flaw)
from dog-days heat.
A shy and charming smile had sent
awry his sensual intent;
her heart's defeat.

I love your suggestion and will be using it! THanks Lori... I was wondering about that end rhyme, just wasn't sure of it... flaw, smooths out any doubt I might have had.



[S]he told him how she {so} [does] detest
a married man in wolfen dress
who woo's a girl. (no apostrophe in woos)
He swore upon his kingdom[‘]s throne
a single man, he lived alone-
and set a whirl

Again, excellent suggestinos... L1, 'does' is more in line with that syntax. and I will get rid of that apostrophe... LOL actually I'll move in down to kingdom's :)



a decadence; descending quick.
This left the nymph now feeling sick
and lonely still.
With broken heart, she hides away
and waits to feel again some day
a lover's will.

Sad but poignant ending!
~Cleo

Thank You Lori, for stopping in again and giving this a polish... I am about to make those changes and hopefully it will be spankin' new!

Everyone has added so much to the growth of this poem and I am so grateful to have such talented and loving friends on MM!

Hugs, Liz