Treasures [Rev 2 25 May 09], Dylan Thomas snippets Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

Treasures


In time

if I were tickled by treasures

of the apostles, I might

have danced with nightingales:

psalms of many shades

would be sermonized

under the arc of

Heaven’s Light.


That time allows us

to ride the imagined --

where desolation of the dwindling

harbor which worsens us,

mocks us to drift away

would give way…


the bones of men

would ne'er be mislaid!


I will light a candle

in remembrance

to honor those of yore


and death shall come to me

in time.


Copyright © Lorraine M. Kanter 25 May 2009

<sub>First rev: 20 Dec 2008

Former title : Time

In time
if I were tickled by
treasures
of the apostles,
I might have danced
with nightingales:
and psalms
of many shades
would be sermonized
under the arc of
Heaven’s Light.

That time allows us
to ride the imagined:
the desolation of
the dwindling harbor
that worsens us,
mocks us
to drift away
would give way…

the bones of men
would ne'er be mislaid.

I will light a candle
in remembrance
to honor those of yore -
and death shall come to me
in time.

Copyright © Lorraine M. Kanter 13 Dec 2008

Original lines were as follows;
if I were tickled from treasures
and
would not be mislaid


Dylan Thomas snippets used: if I were tickled, from treasures of, I might have danced, with nightingales and psalms, of many shades, under the arc, that time allows, ride the imagined, the dwindling harbor, the bones of men, light a candle, and death shall</sub>

Reason for edit: Rev 2, TY all!

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Lori, Wonderful use of the snippets, the poem of observed things goine by...very well done.
Steve

[Cleo_Serapis]

Thanks very much Steve!

~Cleo

[Maggie]

Hi Cleo,

I agree with Steve: Indeed wonderful use of snippets!

Peggy

[Cleo_Serapis]

Thanks very much Peggy.

Does the poem 'make sense' though if you didn't know of the snippets?

~Cleo

[Maggie]

Hi Lori,

I do think there will be more than one interpretation of your poem by your readers. For example, I personally know Thomas pretty well, but to tell the truth I interpreted "harbor" according to Tennyson's use of the word. In Tennyson's "Crossing the Bar" the poet was thinking of a harbor as representing "life in this mortal world" and the vast ocean on the other side of the sandbar as "death or the afterlife," so automatically I read your poem interpreting the phrase according to what I personally associate it with. I think most readers will do similarly, so you might get more than one interpretation for your poem, but I don't think the reader has to be a Thomas scholar to like it. Just my opinion of course.

Peggy

[Siren]

Hey Lori,


I am not privy to Dylan Thomas's work. I do though think you've used the snippets very well.

To me this read as wonder of myths and the granduer of history and its makers.

I do know that you are moving in tune with the snippets but I stumbled upon "If I were tickeld from treasures" I kept wanting to read it by instead. Other than that, the rest of S1 read smoothly, and I am among those who are enchanted mythology and history.

in S2, are you asking if time would take you back to those days where those heroes came to life? this is what I got...

the bones of men
would not be mislaid.

I like this part. It tells me that true men, those heroes, will be put in their rightful honorable place. (again it's my take on this.

The last S, got me a bit confused. did you mean you'll light the candles every day of your life, in honor of those makers of history?

I like the medieval tone to this even in light of my perception being wrong or completely off the mark. LOL!

Thanks for the read...

great work...

dani

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Peggy,

I agree with you. The only worry there is if the main "message" is missed by having more than one interpretation.

My feeling in using 'the dwindling harbor' is also in line with Tennyson's use of the word in that the harbor is meant to represent one's own life and in time, it dwindles as one ages. Desolation comes into play as we worry so much about aging that it ends up absorbing all our thoughts and actions to a major degree. Our imagination might literally run away with us.

Glad you stopped in!
Cheers,
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hey Dani,

I think it's perfectly fine for you and any reader not to be familiar with Dylan's work, that way you can draw your own conclusions based on the snippets, and if I hadn't posted them, you wouldn't know which ones they are, lol!

To me this read as wonder of myths and the grandeur of history and its makers.

Why thank you! That's wonderful to hear. Is there a particular myth that came to mind for you after reading this?

I kept stumbling in the beginning too so I've just edited to 'by treasures' instead of 'from treasures'. Thanks for pointing that out.

In S2, are you asking if time would take you back to those days where those heroes came to life? this is what I got...
the bones of men
would not be mislaid.
I like this part. It tells me that true men, those heroes, will be put in their rightful honorable place. (again it's my take on this.)

Yes, I am asking to be taken back in time so that thoughts of the future don't overtake the narrator in negative ways.

Sorry the last line confuses you. No, not to light a candle every day, but moreso to honor those when I do.

Thanks for stopping in Daniah - good to interact with you again (and thanks for PM'ing me your addy)!

Cheers,
~Cleo

[Eisa]

Well done Lori - I like the tone of this one. If I were to change anything I'd perhaps miss out 'and' in L2 St 1 and 'the' in L3 St2 ... but then I'm probably thinking of conciseness of modern FV and not the style in which this is written.

You have used the snippets very well.

Snow

[Alan]

Dear Lori,

I love the way the poem starts and ends with the same words - took me 3 goes to notice !

Coupla offerings for you to reject :

which worsens us, - gives some allit ?
mocks us
to drift away
would give way… - not too keen on the away/way combo

Love
Alan

[Cleo_Serapis]

Well done Lori - I like the tone of this one. If I were to change anything I'd perhaps miss out 'and' in L2 St 1 and 'the' in L3 St2 ... but then I'm probably thinking of conciseness of modern FV and not the style in which this is written.

You have used the snippets very well.

Snow

Hi Snow,

My gosh, I completely let my response slip by just like this thread has, lol! My apologies.

I think you're right about ditching the 'and before 'psalms'. Let me see if I tweak this a bit and get your input then.

Thanks again!
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Dear Lori,

I love the way the poem starts and ends with the same words - took me 3 goes to notice !

Coupla offerings for you to reject :

which worsens us, - gives some allit ?
mocks us
to drift away
would give way… - not too keen on the away/way combo

Love
Alan

Hi Alan,

Thank you for stopping by! As I mentioned to Snow, my apologies to you as well for being so lax in responding.

I like your first suggestion, 'which worsens us' and will ponder it when I re-write in a few. I'm still not sure on the layout of this one as well.

Let's see what happens in the re-write!
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Revision #2 now posted - with thanks to Snow and Alan!

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Lori, I like the newest revision, I still think it could use just a might more tweaking by elimination of some words. Here is how I see it finished, I just hope that by removing these that it doesn't change the ethereal beauty of the piece.

In time

if I were tickled by treasures

of the apostles, I might

have danced with nightingales:

psalms of many shades

would be sermonized

under the arc of

Heaven’s Light.


Time allows us

to ride the imagined --

desolation of the dwindling

harbor worsens us,

mocks us

to drift away...



the bones of men

would ne'er be mislaid!


I will light a candle

in remembrance

to honor those of yore


and death shall come to me

in time.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Steve,

I'll give this some thought!

Happy Memorial Day!

~Lori

[vessq]

Hi Lori,

I read both versions and all the comments. I have little to add except to say this is well done and the second version, in my opinion, works best.

Steve's suggestions deserve consideration. I would beware, though, of taking criticisms too seriously. Each of us will respond based on our own history and experience but no history is more valid than any other.

When a critic wastes time telling a writer what they prefer in terms of form or style, the critic is talking about themselves and not about helping a writer accomplish what is being attempted.

One need not be a Dylan scholar to enjoy your poem.

The message a reader gets from a poem will not always be what the writer intended.

I have seen poems made weaker by workshops when a writer attempts to please every voice. We should let our poems bounce among readers without expecting any or all to catch the intended message or even appreciate the effort.

Good work, I enjoyed both the poem and the comments it drew.

Vess

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Vess,

Thanks for coming back to this one (and sorry for my late response).

I agree, it's often a difficult fine line to draw when offering critiques and when revising your own work. I always say 'a poem is your own' and as such, it should retain the "message" that you sought to convey. I view crits as twofold: (1) to confirm your message is being received the way you intended and (2) to receive feedback that may further strengthen that message to bring the poem (and the voice) to the highest level it can be, and perhaps reach a wider audience in the process.

It drives me a little batty when I spend a great deal of time offering my views on a work and the person doesn't respond, or doesn't understand what I'm trying to say. It takes both to work together to sync up... communication and patience are key.

These things take time and also the methods by which we get to know one another (what makes us tick); it's a bit of a bummer if you know what I mean when the stars don't always align. On the one hand, as you mentioned, it's also difficult to respond when someone else hasn't offered constructive feedback that can help the writer grow. I've seen this happen at many sites. How does one respond to that? On the other hand, it's such a wondrous feeling when positive feedback is received and suggestions for improvement are considered and revisions result. FANTASTIC!!!!!

I'm glad you enjoyed this one!
Cheers,
~Cleo