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> Jacob's Son **** (critique welcomed) REVISED, double ethere . . . from a book title challenge
JustDaniel
post Nov 21 15, 01:51
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REVISION


Gold-

wonder

kill-shot me

a world away;

I heard it whisper

thru the keyhole, as if

it wanted me to peep through.

Why did I forsake my homestead

for but the prospect of shine shine shine ?

I'm charred and scruffed like some fallen angel.

Who'd ever find a land more kind than home?

But the spectre of night spills darkness;

I've become but shadow and bone.

The song of Achilles warns

about the long walk back.

Though Dad bid me go

Mom will be there

defending

Jacob's

son


© MLee Dickens'son 2013

alluding to the Parable of the Lost Son in Luke 15:11-32



ORIGINAL


Since I've not posted here for a while, I thought I might get some new perspective from y'all on a piece (a double ethere <-- click here to see what it is!) I wrote here a couple years ago but never put it up for critique:



Jacob's Son



Gold-

wonder

kill-shot me

a world away;

I can hear the wind

thru the keyhole, as of

the last policeman's whistle.

Why did I forsake my homestead

for but the prospect of shine shine shine?

I'm charred and scruffed like the fallen angel.

Who'd ever find a land more kind than home?

But the shadow of night spills darkness;

I've become but shadow and bone.

The song of Achilles warns

about the long walk back.

Though Dad bid me go

Mom will be there

defending

Jacob's

son.



from 15 challenge book titles, in order: Gold, Wonder, Kill Shot, A World Away, The Wind Through the Keyhole, The Last Policeman, Shine Shine Shine, Charred & Scruffed, The Fallen Angel, A Land More Kind Than Home, Shadow of Night, Shadow and Bone, The Song of Achilles, The Long Walk, Defending Jacob


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jerryk
post Nov 22 15, 10:28
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QUOTE (JustDaniel @ Nov 20 15, 23:51 ) *
Since I've not posted here for a while, I thought I might get some new perspective from y'all on a piece I wrote here a couple years ago but never put it up for critique:



Jacob's Son



Gold-

wonder

kill-shot me

a world away;

I can hear the wind

thru the keyhole, as of

the last policeman's whistle.

Why did I forsake my homestead

for but the prospect of shine shine shine?

I'm charred and scruffed like the fallen angel.

Who'd ever find a land more kind than home?

But the shadow of night spills darkness;

I've become but shadow and bone.

The song of Achilles warns

about the long walk back.

Though Dad bid me go

Mom will be there

defending

Jacob's

son.




© MLee Dickens'son 2013



from 15 challenge book titles, in order: Gold, Wonder, Kill Shot, A World Away, The Wind Through the Keyhole, The Last Policeman, Shine Shine Shine, Charred & Scruffed, The Fallen Angel, A Land More Kind Than Home, Shadow of Night, Shadow and Bone, The Song of Achilles, The Long Walk, Defending Jacob


Hi Daniel;
an interesting format based on book titles. Though your lines flow well and continue to grow on this reader, I still find myself unsure of their collective meaning; after all, we are dealing with fragments. Admittedly, I'm too unversed in the interpretation of enigmatic poetry; therefore, most likely, I have no business commenting on this poem. Still, I can appreciate your effort and am curious to see how those more knowledgeable readers will read your work. Most likely, I'll sit here with egg on my face, lol. Meanwhile, I’m glad I read your work; it gave me something to think about. Take care, my friend. mickeymouse.gif
Jerry
 
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Merlin
post Nov 24 15, 12:02
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You've done exceedingly well considering it answers a challenge. I wouldn't know where critique could be given without changing some wording, which would nullify the challenge.

I've looked at George Herbert's Easter Wings. I do believe he used spacing to make it visually correct. Some books will have it that way. No matter, it stands the test of time.

How about that for a challenge?

M


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JustDaniel
post Nov 24 15, 18:56
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QUOTE (jerryk @ Nov 22 15, 10:28 ) *
Hi Daniel;
an interesting format based on book titles. Though your lines flow well and continue to grow on this reader, I still find myself unsure of their collective meaning; after all, we are dealing with fragments. Admittedly, I'm too unversed in the interpretation of enigmatic poetry; therefore, most likely, I have no business commenting on this poem. Still, I can appreciate your effort and am curious to see how those more knowledgeable readers will read your work. Most likely, I'll sit here with egg on my face, lol. Meanwhile, I’m glad I read your work; it gave me something to think about. Take care, my friend. mickeymouse.gif
Jerry

Greetings, Jerry.

You're right that this seems a bit enigmatic, particularly because I had to make it out of the book titles. What I'd like to do with it now is to edit out some of the 'necessary' words to make it stand on its own without having to use all of the 'required' words of the challenge.

One thing that would make this piece seem less enigmatic would be to read what I'm alluding to: the Biblical parable of the so-called Prodigal or Lost Son in the New Testament ( Luke 15:11-32 ). I've arbitrarily designated him as the son of one "Jacob" a common Hebrew name.

By the way, you have all the business in the world to comment on this poem. And I'm very glad that you have. I should have included this information when I originally posted it, AND I should have given information about 'ethere', which I now have done.

deLighting in your sharing, Daniel sun.gif


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AMETHYST
post Nov 24 15, 21:15
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Hello Daniel,

First I adore the form "Ethere," it has so much to offer. We both know how much I love Cinquains and this seems to provide more opportunity to shaping and story telling. I didn't need to know the reference, I imagined my own back drop story. I also have not gotten the opportunity to check out the titles used so I can give my thoughts freely in that regards.

Second, there are some lines here that jump out and grab me. Specifically L9, L10, L12 and L13. Some minor nits to offer, but I thought that L12 & L13 were exceptional and could be the meat of their own poetry. Nicely done, Daniel - I hope your works inspire me to get some juice back like many times in the past.

Best Wishes, Liz


QUOTE (JustDaniel @ Nov 21 15, 01:51 ) *
Since I've not posted here for a while, I thought I might get some new perspective from y'all on a piece (a double ethere <-- click here to see what it is!) I wrote here a couple years ago but never put it up for critique:



Jacob's Son



Gold-

wonder

kill-shot me

a world away;

I can hear the wind

thru the keyhole, as of I tripped over as of, wanted to say 'much like

the last policeman's whistle.

Why did I forsake my homestead

for but the prospect of shine shine shine?

I'm charred and scruffed like the fallen angel.

This is a powerful line, but the 'the' by fallen angel feels weak. Although I wanted to offer 'like a fallen angel" I get the feeling (I have not read the reference to the poem) that it refers to a specific fallen angel

Who'd ever find a land more kind than home?

But the shadow of night spills darkness; I LOVE THIS LINE

I've become but shadow and bone.

The song of Achilles warns

about the long walk back.

Though Dad bid me go

Mom will be there

defending

Jacob's

son.


the ending is strong. It can relate to and associate to many people and their experiences. I felt over all (besides a couple it nits, this is wonderful.




© MLee Dickens'son 2013

alluding to the Parable of the Lost Son in Luke 15:11-32



from 15 challenge book titles, in order: Gold, Wonder, Kill Shot, A World Away, The Wind Through the Keyhole, The Last Policeman, Shine Shine Shine, Charred & Scruffed, The Fallen Angel, A Land More Kind Than Home, Shadow of Night, Shadow and Bone, The Song of Achilles, The Long Walk, Defending Jacob



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Luce
post Nov 25 15, 01:11
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I like the story behind the poem and you picked a challenging format to tell it. However, I'm
wondering if you became a slave to the form.

If you were trying to use just titles, then that restriction besides the form made for some pretty odd
word choices & lines. The story of the prodigal son is a rich one. If you freed yourself from the titles,
I'm sure the poem hidden in the form would "shine, shine, shine" in your very capable hands.

See more comments below:


Jacob's Son


Gold-

wonder

kill-shot me
Odd combination of words. Again, I think Jerry mentioned that these are book titles. However,
the book title doesn't enhance the line in the end.


a world away;

I can hear the wind

thru the keyhole, as of
Really? The keyhole? Not the door, the window? I know it's possible but for some reason I'm
imaging the subject bending over the keyhole to hear the wind. Gives it a creepy "peeping tom"
quality to it :cyclops. Mind you, it may just be me!

:
the last policeman's whistle.
Sorry but these lines seem disjointed somehow. I know you're trying to describe the wind to a
policeman's whistle but the way it's structured, the imagery comes too late.


Why did I forsake my homestead
Maybe "homeland"?

for but the prospect of shine shine shine?
"but for the slim prospect of gold, gold, gold?".

I'm charred and scruffed like the fallen angel.

Who'd ever find a land more kind than home?
I like this line.

But the shadow of night spills darkness;

I've become but shadow and bone.
I wouldn't use "shadow" twice so fast.

The song of Achilles warns

about the long walk back.

Though Dad bid me go

Mom will be there
The poem has a formal tone so using Dad & Mom really doesn't fit but I know you're trying to satisfy
the syllable requirement here. Maybe "Father bid me go./while Mother stood.


defending

Jacob's

son.

 
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JustDaniel
post Nov 29 15, 07:21
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Liz and Luce...

I've just posted my first REVISION, and I was about to reply to both of you, but my granddaughter is demanding my attention just now, and I have to watch "Little Einsteins" with her.

deLighting in your observations, Daniel sun.gif


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Luce
post Nov 29 15, 15:17
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Daniel,

My house is quiet now after the Thanksgiving madness. All relatives have gone. YEAHH!!!!!

Hopefully I won't get an invasion for Christmas but one never knows with my family.

I saw your revision Daniel. I'm glad you got rid of one of the "shadows".

Luce
 
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AMETHYST
post Nov 30 15, 14:12
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Beautiful reasons.... and a beautiful spring of poetry - So glad to read your work and I remember when Lauren and I watched Little Einsteins (although My new Grandson will be turning 1 soon and he hasn't found any shows of his liking. But he loves to read. Perhaps he will be a mini grandma and be a writer.

Hugs, Liz

QUOTE (JustDaniel @ Nov 29 15, 07:21 ) *
Liz and Luce...

I've just posted my first REVISION, and I was about to reply to both of you, but my granddaughter is demanding my attention just now, and I have to watch "Little Einsteins" with her.

deLighting in your observations, Daniel sun.gif



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JLY
post Dec 1 15, 07:49
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Daniel;
I am always amazed by your ability to create these eye-pleasing forms. Sometimes it is the format that takes center stage, but in this case it is both the content and form that stand out for me.

Well-done.

JLY


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JustDaniel
post Dec 2 15, 17:01
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QUOTE (AMETHYST @ Nov 24 15, 21:15 ) *
Hello Daniel, First I adore the form "Ethere," it has so much to offer. We both know how much I love Cinquains and this seems to provide more opportunity to shaping and story telling. I didn't need to know the reference, I imagined my own back drop story. I also have not gotten the opportunity to check out the titles used so I can give my thoughts freely in that regards.

Thanks so much, Liz. I know you love cinquains, and I hope you'll come share some with us again soon when you have the time. I miss ALL of your writing and helpful observations. As to the titles, they were the source of my stretching my mind around them to come up with this, and obviously I should have offered a severe REVISION of this first to shed the restriction of the titles. I've now done that.

QUOTE
Second, there are some lines here that jump out and grab me. Specifically L9, L10, L12 and L13. Some minor nits to offer, but I thought that L12 & L13 were exceptional and could be the meat of their own poetry. Nicely done, Daniel - I hope your works inspire me to get some juice back like many times in the past. Best Wishes, Liz


Thanks so much, Liz. I also look forward to our resumed interaction. Honestly, I miss it a great deal!
QUOTE
Jacob's Son

Gold-

wonder

kill-shot me

a world away;

I can hear the wind

thru the keyhole, as of

I tripped over 'as of', wanted to say 'much like'
That would make the line misshapen (which is an issue in such a piece as well), but I've had to completely change this line and the following anyhow, to bring them into the time period.
the last policeman's whistle.

Why did I forsake my homestead

for but the prospect of shine shine shine?

I'm charred and scruffed like the fallen angel.

This is a powerful line, but the 'the' by fallen angel feels weak. Although I wanted to offer 'like a fallen angel" I get the feeling (I have not read the reference to the poem) that it refers to a specific fallen angel
Point taken. I've considered that in the revision. Thanks much. Again, this wording was from one of the titles, by the way.

Who'd ever find a land more kind than home?

But the shadow of night spills darkness; I LOVE THIS LINE Thanks!!

I've become but shadow and bone.

The song of Achilles warns

about the long walk back.

Though Dad bid me go

Mom will be there

defending

Jacob's

son.

the ending is strong. It can relate to and associate to many people and their experiences. I felt over all (besides a couple it nits, this is wonderful.

Thank you so much for your detailed visit, Liz. You've had an impact on my first revision.

deLighting in your sharing, Daniel
sun.gif


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JustDaniel
post Dec 2 15, 17:22
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QUOTE (Luce @ Nov 25 15, 01:11 ) *
I like the story behind the poem and you picked a challenging format to tell it. However, I'm wondering if you became a slave to the form.
I can appreciate that wondering, Luce. Part of writing in this form is the challenge of finding freedom within the format, which of course demands restriction within syllables; for me personally, there is the restriction of the shape, since I really work at maintaining a smooth edge whenever possible. The severe restriction here, however, was the TITLES, which of course formed an anachronism and strange use of words. As I mention to Liz, what I should have done is post a REVISION of the original challenge piece FIRST, and simply included the original for reference to the inspiration for it.
If you were trying to use just titles, then that restriction besides the form made for some pretty odd word choices & lines. The story of the prodigal son is a rich one. If you freed yourself from the titles, I'm sure the poem hidden in the form would "shine, shine, shine" in your very capable hands.
Point well taken, as I've just said above. Thanks much, Luce!!
See more comments below:

Jacob's Son

Gold-

wonder

kill-shot me
Odd combination of words. Again, I think Jerry mentioned that these are book titles. However, the book title doesn't enhance the line in the end.
Likely, you're correct.


a world away;

I can hear the wind

thru the keyhole, as of
Really? The keyhole? Not the door, the window? I know it's possible but for some reason I'm
imaging the subject bending over the keyhole to hear the wind. Gives it a creepy "peeping tom"
quality to it :cyclops. Mind you, it may just be me!
No, it's not just you, and I've changed this line and the next.


the last policeman's whistle.
Sorry but these lines seem disjointed somehow. I know you're trying to describe the wind to a policeman's whistle but the way it's structured, the imagery comes too late.
Absolutely correct. The title involved made this totally in a different era as well. Line changed.


Why did I forsake my homestead
Maybe "homeland"?
I'm still pondering that, and I may change it yet.


for but the prospect of shine shine shine?
"but for the slim prospect of gold, gold, gold?".
Perhaps, and I'm pondering that too. I want to see others' reaction to the REVISION first.


I'm charred and scruffed like the fallen angel.

Who'd ever find a land more kind than home?
I like this line. Thank you!

But the shadow of night spills darkness;

I've become but shadow and bone.
I wouldn't use "shadow" twice so fast.
Absolutely; I've changed the previous occurrence. They were both in TITLES, and it bothered me that such was included in the challenge. LOL


The song of Achilles warns

about the long walk back.

Though Dad bid me go

Mom will be there
The poem has a formal tone so using Dad & Mom really doesn't fit but I know you're trying to satisfy the syllable requirement here. Maybe "Father bid me go./while Mother stood.
The reason for those designations is partially correct, but I don't find the tone as formal myself, and I really wanted the informal and warm feel of Mom and Dad here.


defending

Jacob's

son.

I really appreciate your thoughtful visit, Luce. You definitely helped my revision.

deLighting in your sharing, Daniel
sun.gif


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JustDaniel
post Dec 2 15, 17:31
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QUOTE (Luce @ Nov 29 15, 15:17 ) *
Daniel,
My house is quiet now after the Thanksgiving madness. All relatives have gone. YEAHH!!!!!
Hopefully I won't get an invasion for Christmas but one never knows with my family.
I saw your revision Daniel. I'm glad you got rid of one of the "shadows".
Luce

I certainly can appreciate the joy in your quiet, Luce. Because some of our family were having their own family gathering this year, we decided for the FIRST TIME IN OUR MARRIAGE, that we would celebrate our day by going to a restaurant. We still had plenty of leftovers, and we enjoyed eating what we brought home for several days afterwards! ... and, as my daughter said, we actually saved money!

Thank you for looking in on the revision. I knew you'd like one less "shadow"!

deLighting in your attention to detail, Daniel sun.gif


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JustDaniel
post Dec 2 15, 17:39
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QUOTE (AMETHYST @ Nov 30 15, 14:12 ) *
Beautiful reasons.... and a beautiful spring of poetry - So glad to read your work and I remember when Lauren and I watched Little Einsteins (although My new Grandson will be turning 1 soon and he hasn't found any shows of his liking. But he loves to read. Perhaps he will be a mini grandma and be a writer.
Hugs, Liz
QUOTE (JustDaniel @ Nov 29 15, 07:21 ) *
Liz and Luce... I've just posted my first REVISION, and I was about to reply to both of you, but my granddaughter is demanding my attention just now, and I have to watch "Little Einsteins" with her.
deLighting in your observations, Daniel sun.gif

Thanks for understanding, Liz. And I'm enjoying the "spring of poetry" here at MM! Great to know that you're enjoying your grandparenting too. I had a feeling you'd know about "Little Einsteins"... which Gabriella calls "Rocket"! LOL

Hoping you'll check in on the revision. You helped me a good deal.

deLighting in your sharing, Daniel sun.gif


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JustDaniel
post Dec 2 15, 17:46
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QUOTE (JLY @ Dec 1 15, 07:49 ) *
Daniel;
I am always amazed by your ability to create these eye-pleasing forms. Sometimes it is the format that takes center stage, but in this case it is both the content and form that stand out for me.Well-done.

JLY

Thank you so very much, John. You've very gracious indeed.

deLighting in the interchange, Daniel sun.gif


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Larry
post Dec 3 15, 10:06
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Hi Daniel,

Been away for a few days due to access and was pleasantly surprised to see your double Ethere from February 2013 up here for crits. Had none then and have none now. In fact, this one got me started with the form and I'll be forever appreciative for that. I didn't know it was from a book title challenge so now, I am even more impressed.

Loved it again.

Larry


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Kindness is a seed sown by the gentlest hand, growing care's flowers.
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AMETHYST
post Dec 5 15, 10:57
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Hello Daniel,

I am going to review the revision with a good eye. I was a little worried that some of the lines I adored may have been the inspirational titles, but sometimes it isn't always the words of the line, but rather how they become amazing in the context. I am so happy to get participating again. My absence is mostly due to medical issues. So this time I am going to go slow and try not to overwhelm myself. Baby steps! wink.gif There is a poem in there somewhere! LOL

Anyway. I have printed out your revision and will be back with some further comments. I have missed you also and will certainly work on some Cinquains to offer.

Big Hugs to you and the family, Liz


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JustDaniel
post Dec 6 15, 04:07
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Thanks for the revisit, Liz. I didn't realize about the medical issues; believe me I can appreciate that! I trust you are doing well now... grandparenting requires a well-grandmother, ya know!

I'll be looking forward to your further observations, AND that poem about "baby steps"... and that DOES sound like a perfect subject for your first new cinquain!

deLighting in the prospect, Daniel sun.gif


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AMETHYST
post Dec 12 15, 21:42
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Member No.: 10
Real Name: Elizabeth
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori Kanter



Thank you Daniel,

Well or now, my grandson is a handful and a joy. Lauren, my granddaughter is about 5 inches taller than me and a bit taller than Kelly. Baby steps does sound like a good point for me to try a new Cinquain. I hope the rest of me agrees.

As for your revision, it is masterful. The only little nit for me is in L15
[q]
The song of Achilles warns

about the long walk back.[/q]

Perhaps instead of 'back' maybe home to reflect on the longing to return, the conflict of mother/father and choices. It also has a nice sound alliance with bone. LOL

Yet, I only suggest it to have something to offer. Otherwise, it truly is a beautiful poem.

Best wishes, Liz


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RSS Lo-Fi Version Time is now: 24th August 2019 - 06:16




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