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Moments of Time, For my Grandchildren ** |
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Jan 15 14, 05:15
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 783
Joined: 24-July 07
From: South Africa
Member No.: 457
Real Name: Walter Schwim
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Mistral
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Version 2 6 Feb 2014 (Thanks Lori)The weeks, the months, the fleeting years all filled with wonder, joys and fears. I've squandered many, (sad but true) that’s not the path I’d wish for you. A gift from God; each gilded day for us to use in work or play. The hours past are not returned yet leave their lessons to be learned. One precious minute paints your sky, stays sixty seconds then shall fly so mark each special second well; they tick your life yet never dwell. OriginalThe weeks, the months, the fleeting years all filled with hopes and joys and fears. I've squandered much (it's sad but true), that’s not the path I’d wish for you. A gift from God; each gilded day for us to use in work or play. The passing hour won't return yet leaves a lesson to be learned. One fleeting minute paints your sky, stays sixty seconds then shall fly so mark each special second well; it checks your life yet will not dwell. "unique" replaced by "special" (thanks Syl)
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Jan 15 14, 23:22
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 11,389
Joined: 15-June 07
From: Springfield, Louisiana
Member No.: 446
Real Name: Larry D. Jennings
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Just wondered in.
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Hi Wally,
Nice to see you back and posting. It's been a bit lonely around here of late.
This is, as you state, a poem for your grandchildren and so I found it appropriate that you utilized a rhyme scheme with which children are familiar. It is a nice lesson in the value of time and a reminder to all of us that we have only so many allotted year and should make the most of what God has given.
I have only one small nit and it has to do with metrical flow. S2/L3 - "hour" is monosyllabic and leaves that line half a foot short. Perhaps losing the contraction and using "will not" can alleviate that bump.
Welcome back, Larry
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Jan 16 14, 01:10
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 783
Joined: 24-July 07
From: South Africa
Member No.: 457
Real Name: Walter Schwim
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Mistral
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Hello Larry I was hibernating - not dead Thanks for reading and picking up that nit. It's one I always tussle with since although technically "hour" is only one syllable, it is commonly voiced with a lightly accented r (ow-r) rather than (ow) . So it could also be two syllables. To me, "The passing hour will not return" sounds slightly chunky unless a pause is inserted after hour I dunno???? Cheers, Wal
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Jan 18 14, 14:25
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Ornate Oracle
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 8,888
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting
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Ive not been hibernating, but I'm half dead all the same
Been moving house, from one province to another. From sprawling city to mountains and lakes. Etc. With very little help. During previous moves I don't remember feeling so emotionally charged. Took me ages! Would like to chat about that topic, but not now.
OK, I came here before, but I'm back to say that I think it's a great poem for children, and adults as well. A good one for checking out whether one said such wise things to the kids...It leaves me wishful, thoughtful. About how our kids inevitably stumble. lose time, follow the wrong signposts, etc.
Lovely piece, Wally! I understand the 'hour' issue. I was raised to pronnounce it 'au-er', something like that! Maybe somewhere, if you look hard enough, you'll find some sort of justification.... In my country, end rhymes can give you a + 1/2 syll, if the word is short and strongly emphasized on last syll. So one has to fit another 1/2 syll or poetic/grammatical figure to get it perfect.
So my tiny nit is in S4L3, with the word unique. Perhaps if you show me how you pronounce unique, and where the emphasis in words and line goes, then I'd appreciate it better. At the moment I stumble with the meter there, being no expert, as you know.
The rest is fine. I'm so glad I dropped in again and found this gem!
Peace, Syl ***
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Mis temas favoritos The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
"There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction."
Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
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Jan 27 14, 17:43
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 399
Joined: 11-April 13
From: Australia - The great Southern Land
Member No.: 5,178
Real Name: Maureen Clifford
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:arnfinn
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I love it Wally and confess that the 'hour' line works well for me - technically no doubt hour is one syllable but said with an Australian accents it equates to two - o-wer, so I would be thinking it would not be marked down because of that over here anyway. It is a lovely poem to offer to your Grandies - words of wisdom from their Gramps. So pleased you are not 'dead' Cheers Maureen
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Jan 28 14, 09:52
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 783
Joined: 24-July 07
From: South Africa
Member No.: 457
Real Name: Walter Schwim
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Mistral
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Hello Syl and Mau Thank you both for popping in with interesting comments:thanks: I'm going to change "unique" because it does sound incorrectly stressed besides it is also a bit too high for kids. Thank you for the useful input. Wal
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Jan 28 14, 13:50
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 11,389
Joined: 15-June 07
From: Springfield, Louisiana
Member No.: 446
Real Name: Larry D. Jennings
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Just wondered in.
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Hi Wally,
I like the change because, as you say, some words are a bit hard for children to understand. As far as "hour" goes, down here in the deep south, there are some folks who actually break that word down to three syllables: "ow-er-uh". Most of them are preaching in the pulpit when they do so.
Nice life lesson for the kids!
Larry
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Feb 4 14, 17:05
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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Hi Wally How great to see you posting this thought provoking poem It's definitely a good one for children & adult too. I like the change from unique to special. As to the 'hour' problem, I tend to use the syllables according to the meter I need It's good to read you tonight. Snow
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Feb 5 14, 08:35
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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Hi Wally, What a lovely poem and tribute! I enjoy poems that have a deeper meaning and this one does for me. Hooray! Here are some initial thoughts I have after reading it, first time. Please T or T as you wish. QUOTE The weeks, the months, the fleeting years --> I do enjoy the repetition of 'the' in this opening line and it reads smoothy, however, would you consider only using one of them? Maybe replace one of them with the word 'long' or 'short' or something else along those lines - something to animate/draw movement to those months and weeks (since you've used 'fleeting' to represent years) ?all filled with hopes and joys and fears. --> There is something about the word 'wonder' when I think of children that makes me smile. Would you consider ditching one of the 'and's and replacing 'joy' with wonder - for metrical cadence, perhaps: all filled with wonder, hopes and fears - whatcha think? I've squandered much (it's sad but true), --> Perhaps change to semi-colonthat’s not the path I’d wish for you. A gift from God; each gilded day for us to use enjoyed (or adored) in work or play. The passing hour won't return --> When I read this aloud it feels abrupt with the word "won't". I too pronounce 'hour' as 2 beats (and would pluralize it), however, I feel "will not" has a softer sound and would not mess the meter up when read aloud. What do you think Wally? The passing hours will not return yet leaves a lesson to be learned. One fleeting minute paints your sky, --> Since you've already used 'fleeting', how about 'transient'?stays sixty seconds then shall fly so mark each special second well; it checks your life yet will not dwell. --> Not sure 'checks' is what your meaning is about?I enjoyed the read. Cheers, ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Feb 6 14, 03:07
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 783
Joined: 24-July 07
From: South Africa
Member No.: 457
Real Name: Walter Schwim
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Mistral
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Thanks Lori
Always good to get another's thoughts and angles on a piece,that's what what makes work-shopping a poem on MM so rewarding. Not only are bugs fixed but with some subtle changes one can sometimes end up with a piece that sits entirely differently on the palette or perhaps appeals to a wider readership.
I made some slight changes so would appreciate any further comment.
Hugz
Wally
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Feb 6 14, 03:10
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 783
Joined: 24-July 07
From: South Africa
Member No.: 457
Real Name: Walter Schwim
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Mistral
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Hello Snow Good to see you here too Thank you for dropping in to read. Hugz Wal
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Feb 6 14, 09:40
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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YAY Wally! I especially like these two changes most of all: The hours past are not returned and One precious minute paints your sky,Well done! ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Feb 9 14, 04:48
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,446
Joined: 16-October 06
From: UK
Member No.: 298
Real Name: Alan McAlpine Douglas
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori/Eisa/loads of old friends
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Dear Wally,
Certainly like the updated version, except I have one (rather philosophical) tiny point : Not "work or play", but work AND play !
Love Alan
PS I ain't dead either, just my muse.
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