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Fascination ***, (revision) |
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Jan 10 16, 16:05
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
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From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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Fascination (revision)
Quirky creature, haunted by prehistoric beasts; your freckled yellow camouflage reflects a leopard.
Wide-eyed, you peer through a leafy haven, observing every movement; your broad mouth appears to beam - a false welcome.
Temptation is food that wriggles on my palm; breath quickening you skitter to a dark corner.
Tirelessly, I endeavour to befriend you until one day you clamber on my hand, respiration slow and even.
Daily food and water nurtures kinship, eventually you creep up my arm to perch on my shoulder.
Today I catch my breath in shadows where the sun is dim like your unlit den.
------------------------------------------ Fascination (original)
Quirky creature, haunted by prehistory; your freckled yellow camouflage imitates a leopard’s look.
Wide-eyed, you peer through a leafy haven, observing every movement, seeming to smile - a false welcome.
Temptation is food, wriggling on my palm, but breath quickening you skitter to dark safety.
Tirelessly, I try to win you until one day you clamber on my hand, respiration slow and even.
Daily routine nurtures kinship and soon you creep up my arm to perch on my shoulder.
Today I catch my breath in shadows where the sun is dim like your unlit den
I found this one in the archives after one of my geckos died recently. It was written about his great-great grandfather. I've experimented and rewritten it in 3 line stanzas which seems popular with some at he moment.
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Jan 11 16, 01:56
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Ornate Oracle
Group: Praetorian
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From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
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Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting
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Dropping in to say I've read your poem. Too late to concentrate, but I did imagine it has to do with one of your lizards or geckos. I like it very much, it's so real!! Will return, Syl***
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Mis temas favoritos The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
"There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction."
Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
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Jan 11 16, 11:26
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Real Name: richard chase
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Rhapsody
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Eisa - Very tender with not a syllable wasted. Enjoyed it very much. RC
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Jan 11 16, 15:50
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Group: Gold Member
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Real Name: Antony Glaser
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Referred By:Eira Rhaposdy
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Beautiful and profound the linkage of image feels double if not treble, human , lizard, scales It wants me to examine dim shadows
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Imagination fires the soul, resolution the longing.
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Jan 11 16, 16:38
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
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From: Birmingham, England
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Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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QUOTE (Psyche @ Jan 11 16, 06:56 ) Dropping in to say I've read your poem. Too late to concentrate, but I did imagine it has to do with one of your lizards or geckos. I like it very much, it's so real!! Will return, Syl*** Hi Syl, It's about the first leopard gecko I had (an old poem revised) Look forward to your return. Eira
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Jan 11 16, 16:39
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
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From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
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Referred By:Lori
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QUOTE (RC James @ Jan 11 16, 16:26 ) Eisa - Very tender with not a syllable wasted. Enjoyed it very much. RC Thanks Richard! Eira
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Jan 11 16, 16:40
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
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From: Birmingham, England
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Real Name: Eira Needham
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Referred By:Lori
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QUOTE (greenwich @ Jan 11 16, 20:50 ) Beautiful and profound the linkage of image feels double if not treble, human , lizard, scales It wants me to examine dim shadows So pleased with your response Eira
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Jan 13 16, 17:03
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
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From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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QUOTE (K.S. Lenk @ Jan 11 16, 23:09 ) I love animals and so can relate.
Not so keen on the -ing form in st 2 and 3.
Regards,
K Thanks for pointing that out Krista - I'll delete some when I revise. Eira
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Jan 13 16, 22:25
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Babylonian
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Real Name: J.S. MacLean (Joe)
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Referred By:Eisa
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QUOTE (Eisa @ Jan 10 16, 14:05 ) Fascination
Quirky creature, haunted by prehistory; your freckled yellow camouflage imitates a leopard’s look. this line could be less telly
Wide-eyed, you peer through a leafy haven, observing every movement, seeming to smile - a false welcome.
Temptation is food, wriggling on my palm, but breath quickening you skitter to dark safety. I like the pace of the poem's progression
Tirelessly, I try to win you until one day you clamber on my hand, respiration slow and even.
Daily routine nurtures kinship and soon you creep up my arm to perch on my shoulder.
Today I catch my breath in shadows where the sun is dim like your unlit den nice sounds here
I found this one in the archives after one of my geckos died recently. It was written about his great-great grandfather. I've experimented and rewritten it in 3 line stanzas which seems popular with some at he moment. The 3 line structure works well and I really like the way the poem's pace mirrors the story. If I had any suggestions it would be to add to the concrete images. Nice work.
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Jan 14 16, 16:54
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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Hi Joe thanks for your suggestions - yes some parts are a bit telly. Something to chew over. Thanks Eira
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Feb 20 16, 18:01
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
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From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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I've made a few changes!
Eira
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Feb 21 16, 00:28
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Ornate Oracle
Group: Praetorian
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From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
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Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting
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I love to return to see revisions. I'd also noticed too many 'ing' words, but Krista has pointed them out to you, so Fascination is truly a polished piece now.
No nits at all, Eisa. It flows beautifully, and the content is...fascinating! To think you first wrote it for your gecko's great-great-grandfather. What is their average life-span?
Thanks for sharing this lovely poem, Syl***
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Mis temas favoritos The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
"There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction."
Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
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Feb 24 16, 18:01
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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QUOTE (Psyche @ Feb 21 16, 05:28 ) I love to return to see revisions. I'd also noticed too many 'ing' words, but Krista has pointed them out to you, so Fascination is truly a polished piece now.
No nits at all, Eisa. It flows beautifully, and the content is...fascinating! To think you first wrote it for your gecko's great-great-grandfather. What is their average life-span?
Thanks for sharing this lovely poem, Syl*** Thanks Syl. Leopard geckos can live to 20 years, but realistically it's usually between 9 and 15 years. Mine are almost 14 years now. I have just found another old poem about my gecko's great-great grand mother. It's completely different from this one. I'll give it a tweak and post it soon. Eira
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