Carmencita
do not feel abandoned,
you're not by me.
When I think of anything
you help to place it
alongside swift mercy.

Your solace is fleet and always,
always, there for me,
like the wind in memories
of the places I love,
in my worship of stubborn beauty.

You unerringly point out
what is hidden beneath the stairs
that lead to a room I've never seen,
but know is there, filled
with the importance of losing yourself
and becoming a thousand others.

Ever here when I needed you,
but when aridity sets in,
I’ll gaze fervently at your hand
signing me that what uplifts me
will still be there in the morning.







(original)
Do not feel abandoned
you're not by me
when I think of anything
you help to place it
aongside swift mercy.

Your solace is fleet
and always, always there for me,
like the wind in memories
of the places I love,
in my inept worship of dim beauty
becoming brighter through use.

You unerringly point out
what is hidden beneath the stairs
that lead to a room I've never seen,
but know is there, filled
with the importance of losing yourself
and becoming the thousands of beings
outside these derelict woods.

You're there even when I don't need you,
which so far has not occurred,
but I trust that when it does
it will be because of my dotage
which is creeping up past your forbidding hand
raised to me in a wave or salute,
or both, that tells me what passes through me
will still be there in the morning,
with or without me,
but definitely with you.

Hi Richard,

Happy New Year!

I have been away from here too long!

I need time to chew this one over and will return, but on first read have a few minor suggestions.

Do not feel abandoned
you're not by me
when I think of anything
you help to place it
aongside swift mercy.

typo: alongside

Your solace is fleet
and always, always there for me,
like the wind in memories
of the places I love,
in my inept worship of dim beauty
becoming brighter through use.

Not sure if you need always twice

You unerringly point out
what is hidden beneath the stairs
that lead to a room I've never seen,
but know is there, filled
with the importance of losing yourself
and becoming the thousands of beings
outside these derelict woods.

You're there even when I don't need you,
which so far has not occurred,
but I trust that when it does
it will be because of my dotage
which is creeping up past your forbidding hand
raised to me in a wave or salute,
or both, that tells me what passes through me
will still be there in the morning,
with or without me,
but definitely with you.

I feel that this stanza is very wordy and could be tweaked quite a bit as some lines are unnecessary. Perhaps finish on 'will still be there in the morning'

You're there even when I don't need you,
but I trust that it will be because of my dotage
which is creeping up past your forbidding hand
raised to me in a wave or salute,
that tells me what passes through me
will still be there in the morning,

Hope some of this might help in some way.

Eira

This comforting piece of work aims to ease the worries of a woman. You reassure her that, while you're away, your thoughts are still with her, and these words are designed to settle her anxiety.

I like it. Women, however, are not generally soothed by this.
Eventhough I like the wordy-quality and the intent, I feel this poem is more directed at men.

Regards,
K.

Thank you Eira, I trimed some of that last stanza.

Krista - It's not a poem about leaving someone, it's about a companion who is always there. Several people have suggested it's a conversation with God. If I knew God better, maybe it would be, but I think it's gratuitous to insist it's about a man rather than about a helpmate named Carmencita. RC

I like the ending much better, Richard.

Eira