First Hunt...revised x2w/ revised L4, quatrains in IP Options

[heartsong7]

First Hunt...revised x2 w/ further edits * and **

A fledgling robin, fallen from the nest,
afraid his wings aren't strong enough to fly,
has realized he dare not pause to rest,
with hungry hunters spotted stalking by*

Two cats, too white to hide, are lying low
conspicuously; watching while they lick
their noses, staying focused**, moving slow
until one pounces– agile, lithe and quick.

The little robin flutters out of reach
while mother, swooping down, distracts the cat.
I see a blur of white and hear a screech
as bounding leaps are followed by a splat.

There, landing sprawled beneath an apple tree,
a less than humbled hunter lifts her head
and starts to primp and preen fastidiously
as if to say, “I’ll take a nap instead”

was: with great white hunters often stalking by*

keeping focus **

First Hunt...revised

A fledgling robin, fallen from the nest,
afraid and not quite ready yet to fly,
has realized he dare not pause to rest,
for there are great white hunters stalking by.

Two cats, too white to hide are lying low--
conspicuously, watching while they lick
their noses, keeping focus, nice and slow
until one pounces– agile, lithe and quick.

The little robin flutters out of reach
while mother bird tries heading off the cat.
A blur of white is all I see; a screech
follows it, a bounding leap, then splat!

There, landing sprawled beneath an apple tree,
the less than humbled hunter lifts her head
and starts to primp and preen fastidiously
as if to say, “I’ll take a nap instead”



First Hunt...original

A fledgling robin, fallen from the nest,
afraid and not quite ready yet to fly,
has realized he dare not pause to rest,
for there are great white hunters stalking by.

Two cats, so white they almost seem to glow
conspicuously watch and wait and lick
their small pink noses, taking in the show
until one pounces– agile, lithe and quick.

The little robin flutters out of reach
while mother bird is herding off the cat.
A blur of white is all I see; a screech
follows it, and suddenly— a splat!

There, landing sprawled beneath an apple tree,
the less than humbled hunter lifts her head
and starts to primp and preen fastidiously
as if to say, “I’ll take a nap instead”

[Merlin]

Hi Sue,

I note that there were some 20 views before me that didn't know what to say. I always wonder about that; my own last one was slated to the dump after such an event, but then it was resurrected. It simply makes one wonder what is wrong with the picture?

Therefore - let me be the first.
I'm not sure I feel good about V2, in the entirety. Things that don't work for me, "so" white, "glow", 2 ands in L2, their "small" noses - are they small in relation to the cats or to something else?

I could be completely wrong about the mother robin "herding", I've only seen them luring danger away. Take a look if that is the right wording.

The splat - did the robin dump on the cat? Where did the splat come from?

Looking ahead to phase II, and perhaps even some opposing comments, now that the first is out of the way.

Merlin

[heartsong7]

Hi Merlin... I think no one likes to be first, so thanks for jumping in.

Hi Sue,

I note that there were some 20 views before me that didn't know what to say. I always wonder about that; my own last one was slated to the dump after such an event, but then it was resurrected. It simply makes one wonder what is wrong with the picture?
I don't pay any attention to the number of views. Sometimes I'll read one several times before I'm ready to comment, sometimes I only have time to read.... and sometimes I really don't know what to say. There can be many reasons for a lack of comments.

Therefore - let me be the first.
I'm not sure I feel good about V2, in the entirety. Things that don't work for me, "so" white, "glow", 2 ands in L2, their "small" noses - are they small in relation to the cats or to something else?
I'm pretty attached to "so white they almost seem to glow", because they are and do.
But will try a sub for 'small' to describe their noses.

I could be completely wrong about the mother robin "herding", I've only seen them luring danger away. Take a look if that is the right wording.
She did, indeed, appear to be herding the cat in another direction, or at least chasing it. She certainly gave it a good scare in the process.

The splat - did the robin dump on the cat? Where did the splat come from?
The splat came when the cat hit a tree. (actually I think she intended to climb it and lost her grip.
She wound up sprawled on the ground, trying to look like she meant to do that.

Looking ahead to phase II, and perhaps even some opposing comments, now that the first is out of the way.
Yes, I'll be hoping for further comments and in the meantime, I thank you very much for sharing your observations.

Merlin

Seeya,
Sue

[heartsong7]

first revision posted thanx to the nudges of the wizard.
S

[jgdittier]

Dear Sue,
I'm assuming this is light verse.
For light verse I like to comment on whether the message brought the results the poet hoped for and then comment on the mechanics.
Certainly the tale is light and the results harmless and the reader likely to smile. Therefore, a success.
Line 6 has a 4 syllable word and an extrs syllable. Room for improvement?
Line 12 has for me, a bump, I'd prefer "a screech, a burst, a bounding leap."
Line 13 again is bumpy, what about "besprawled beneath an apple tree I see"
Line 14 as the cat may be more rather than less humbled -"The humbled hunter lift her hazy head".
Deep rational thinking in stories such as this seems to me to mix light verse with poetry. Since the cat immediately went to grooming as a face-saver and then a nap, I assume it was indeed humbled.
I remain puzzled about the concept of light verse. At the Critical Poet there is a place for light verse. However, they define light verse as a less intense message but using the restrictions of pure poetry.

I do not like to get so involved withnits. I am a light verser. However I put them here just so they might be thought about, not because they are vital to your piece.
Cheers, Ron

[Norman D Gutter]

Snow:

You have a nice, light tone to this. It tells a good story, with meter and rhymes in place. I haven't read the other crits, not looked at the original version, so forgive me if I'm covering something others have said.

L2: "...not quite ready yet" >>> "quite" and "yet" are redundant, and gives the feel of metrical filler.

L4: "for there are great white hunters stalking by." >>> "there are" is terribly passive. Can you find another way to say this? Also, since you tell us in the next stanza that the cats are white, it's redundant here. What about something such as: "for mama taught that hunters lurk nearby." That's a first cut; I'm sure you can find better wording.

L5: "Two cats, too white to hide are lying low--" >>> Nice word play on two-too. I think this could benefit from a comma after "hide".

L6: "conspicuously, watching while they lick" >>> Nice enjambment at this line. But the comma seems incorrect between conspicuously and watching. Conspicuously modifies watching, does it not? If so, the comma is wrong. However, if you mean for conspicuously to modify "cats", then the form is wrong: it should be 'conspicuous'.

L10: "while mother bird tries heading off the cat." >>> The three syllables "bird tried head--" all take a stress, which mars the meter and hence the enjoyment for this reader. Also--and today seems to be my day for honing in on alledged redundncies--"bird" is redundant filler since we can easily assume baby robin did not spring from a reptile egg!

This is a good beginning. I'm off to see what others have said.

Best Regards,
NDG

[heartsong7]

Hi Ron, It's always a pleasure to hear from you and to receive your thoughtful observations.

Dear Sue,
I'm assuming this is light verse.
For light verse I like to comment on whether the message brought the results the poet hoped for and then comment on the mechanics.
Certainly the tale is light and the results harmless and the reader likely to smile. Therefore, a success.
Yes, light it is and I'm pleased you feel it's a succes in that vein.

Line 6 has a 4 syllable word and an extrs syllable. Room for improvement?
I would scan con SPIC u OUS ly (5 sylls) but either way, its intent is to be conspicious, like the cats.
Line 12 has for me, a bump, I'd prefer "a screech, a burst, a bounding leap."
Line 13 again is bumpy, what about "besprawled beneath an apple tree I see"

I'm just beginning to feel comfortable with variations on strict iambic, like headless iambs and spondees sprinkled here and there... but I don't want it to trip the reader, so will have another look there

.
Line 14 as the cat may be more rather than less humbled -"The humbled hunter lift her hazy head".
Deep rational thinking in stories such as this seems to me to mix light verse with poetry. Since the cat immediately went to grooming as a face-saver and then a nap, I assume it was indeed humbled.
I've only been owned by cats for a few years and in that time have noticed that they almost never display any hint of humility. Here what I hoped to relay is that she was not humbled by the incident but had simply decided she'd rather nap than hunt.

I remain puzzled about the concept of light verse. At the Critical Poet there is a place for light verse. However, they define light verse as a less intense message but using the restrictions of pure poetry.

I do not like to get so involved withnits. I am a light verser. However I put them here just so they might be thought about, not because they are vital to your piece.

That's why I'm here too... to think about suggestions others so generously offer. Thank you, kindly
Cheers, Ron
and cheers to you as well.
S

[heartsong7]

hi Norman, nice to see you here.
Your points are well made and well taken. I've been working on a revision that addresses some of your concerns.
re:
since you tell us in the next stanza that the cats are white, it's redundant here. What about something such as: "for mama taught that hunters lurk nearby." That's a first cut; I'm sure you can find better wording.

the first stanza does not mention that the "great white hunters" are cats, which is what I wish to point out in the second stanza. We dubbed them "great white hunters" when as kittens they would stalk and pounce on every bug or spider that crossed their paths. I'm partial to keeping that
.
L5: "Two cats, too white to hide are lying low--" >>> Nice word play on two-too. I think this could benefit from a comma after "hide".
I'm glad you spotted the two-too-to play. Will add the comma.

L6: "conspicuously, watching while they lick" >>> Nice enjambment at this line. But the comma seems incorrect between conspicuously and watching. Conspicuously modifies watching, does it not? If so, the comma is wrong. However, if you mean for conspicuously to modify "cats", then the form is wrong: it should be 'conspicuous'.

My intent is to have 'conspicuously' refer to the cats lying low. (their whitness leaves them conspicuously lying low) maybe a semi-colon instead of a comma?

I'll post what I have so far. My computer is acting up, so I'm not sure when or whether I'll be able to get on-line again.

Thank you for sharing your insight.
Take care.
Sue

[Mary Boren]

Enjoyed, Sue. They say you can't embarrass a cat, and I believe it. Good luck with your confuser. -M.

[AMETHYST]

Oh Sue what a wonderful scene. Filled with liveliness and is a delightful verse. I am not a cat person, but I have to applaud how you have captured that those characteristic personality traits found in the cat. I especially think this is true in the final stanza. How you've implied a sense of embarrassment at the failed ploy, sort of like expressing that old saying, " oh I didn't want it anyway' -

Some minor thoughts to follow, but I will be rereading this from time to time for the welcomed smile it gave and the ease of the read.

Big Hugs, Liz ...

First Hunt...revised x2

A fledgling robin, fallen from the nest,
afraid his wings aren't strong enough to fly,
has realized he dare not pause to rest,
with great white hunters often stalking by.

A great opening stanza. vividly detailed. I did slow on L2, but for the life of me, I cannot see why.

Two cats, too white to hide, are lying low
conspicuously; watching while they lick
their noses, keeping focus, moving slow
until one pounces– agile, lithe and quick.

I liked in L1, the use of two/too -
L3, a suggestion:
their mouths, maintaining focus, moving slow -

of course, this suggestion is just an idea, as I don't really find fault in L3, I just was wondering if the idea of them imagining how delicious this little fledling is going to taste, which I felt 'mouth' might enhance the idea, while also, the word 'keeping' felt a bit weak to my ear, sort of awkward. Love L4.

The little robin flutters out of reach
while mother, swooping down, distracts the cat.
I see a blur of white and hear a screech
as bounding leaps are followed by a splat.

Wonderful movement here. The active imagery compliments the quickness of a cats natural agility. I enjoyed how you've incorporated a whole visual to bring about this active scene ... ending on splat - as I paused momentarily to smile, being able to imagine it in my minds eye. Wonderful!


There, landing sprawled beneath an apple tree,
the less than humbled hunter lifts her head
and starts to primp and preen fastidiously
as if to say, “I’ll take a nap instead”

L2, perhaps ' a less than humbled hunter lifts her head

What a excellent ending! I so enjoyed this Sue...

[Judi]

First Hunt...revised x2

A fledgling robin, fallen from the nest,
afraid his wings aren't strong enough to fly,
has realized he dare not pause to rest,
with great white hunters often stalking by.

I think that these two lines (also in red could be changed
around a bit...great white sound like a whale, kind of and
then the word white is used again in the next line..I think
you could change this easily..

Two cats, too white to hide, are lying low
conspicuously; watching while they lick
their noses, keeping focus, moving slow
until one pounces– agile, lithe and quick.

The little robin flutters out of reach
while mother, swooping down, distracts the cat.
I see a blur of white and hear a screech
as bounding leaps are followed by a splat.

There, landing sprawled beneath an apple tree, Maybe this could be before
instead of beneath or somehow
to let everyone know the cat hit
the tree...
the less than humbled hunter lifts her head
and starts to primp and preen fastidiously
as if to say, “I’ll take a nap instead”



First Hunt...revised

A fledgling robin, fallen from the nest,
afraid and not quite ready yet to fly,
has realized he dare not pause to rest,
for there are great white hunters stalking by.

Two cats, too white to hide are lying low--
conspicuously, watching while they lick
their noses, keeping focus, nice and slow
until one pounces– agile, lithe and quick.

The little robin flutters out of reach
while mother bird tries heading off the cat.
A blur of white is all I see; a screech
follows it, a bounding leap, then splat!

There, landing sprawled beneath an apple tree,
the less than humbled hunter lifts her head
and starts to primp and preen fastidiously
as if to say, “I’ll take a nap instead”



First Hunt...original

A fledgling robin, fallen from the nest,
afraid and not quite ready yet to fly,
has realized he dare not pause to rest,
for there are great white hunters stalking by.

Two cats, so white they almost seem to glow
conspicuously watch and wait and lick
their small pink noses, taking in the show
until one pounces– agile, lithe and quick.

The little robin flutters out of reach
while mother bird is herding off the cat.
A blur of white is all I see; a screech
follows it, and suddenly— a splat!

There, landing sprawled beneath an apple tree,
the less than humbled hunter lifts her head
and starts to primp and preen fastidiously
as if to say, “I’ll take a nap instead”

This is so cute...I can just picture these two cats (or one cat) stalking the little bird...just a couple of changes will make this more clear...Judi

[heartsong7]

Hi Mary...
Thank you for stopping in to read and let me know you enjoyed these light lines.
S


Hi Liz...
It's a pleasure to receive one of your thoughtful reviews, always helpful and encouraging. It's wonderful how well you are able to interpret each writer's intent, and you certainly have in this one.
re:

I just was wondering if the idea of them imagining how delicious this little fledling is going to taste, which I felt 'mouth' might enhance the idea, while also, the word 'keeping' felt a bit weak to my ear, sort of awkward.

I actually had them licking their "chops" in the first draft... then "lips" (which cats don't have")... yes, "mouths" would work but, somehow, I prefer the visual of them licking their noses (which they do often when they are hungry.)
I'll work on a sub for "keeping"
will do, a less than humbled hunter.

Thank you very much, dear lady.
Sue

hi Judi...
You're the second reader to protest the use of 'white' twice (in L4 and 5.)
The "great white hunters" phrase is one we often use to describe them as they stalk their prey, which they rarely catch.
I'm thinking I'll let it go, though, for the sake of the poem.
How about... "with hunting felines spotted stalking by"
re:

There, landing sprawled beneath an apple tree, Maybe this could be before
instead of beneath or somehow
to let everyone know the cat hit
the tree...

I'm afraid I don't see how saying "before" an apple tree makes it more clear than "beneath"?

I really appreciate your taking the time to offer your insights and I'm very pleased to know you enjoyed the poem.

Take care.
Sue

[Mary Boren]

I like your tweaks for the most part, Sue, and I admire your willingness to sacrifice "great white hunters" for the good of the poem. But it still seems a waste of a good foot to tell us twice in a row that they are cats. How 'bout something else in place of feline? -M.

[heartsong7]

Mary...

But it still seems a waste of a good foot to tell us twice in a row that they are cats

oooh, I was afraid of that. I appreciate the nudge to think harder. Will work on that, What quickly comes to mind, knowing them, would be 'curious'.. can I get away with 2 sylls there?
Or maybe "hopeful hunters" (They always are)"hungry" might work, but they rarely are... of course the bird wouldn't know that, though.

I'm glad to know you feel most tweaks work and I thank you for coming back to this.

Take care.
Sue