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THE WAITING GAME [revised], Free Verse |
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Apr 12 13, 08:10
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 399
Joined: 11-April 13
From: Australia - The great Southern Land
Member No.: 5,178
Real Name: Maureen Clifford
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:arnfinn
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Revised Version
THE WAITING GAME
Evening shadows crept into the courtyard.
Lit by the silvery glow of moonbeams, Cerulean blue, jade green and gold colours like a stained glass window gleamed from her peacock feather fan.
She waited patiently – there was no rush.
Wind chimes broken reeds tinkled in the evening breeze as calmly, she daintily drank jasmine tea from a delicate porcelain cup.
She heard his footsteps on the terrazzo.
The moons silver fingers caressed the moon gate, hovered over the fallen arch and rested lingeringly on her lover's face. Ancient walls silently watched and waited as did she.
Maureen Clifford © the Scribbly Bark Poet.
THE WAITING GAME
Evening shadows crept silently into the courtyard.
Lit by the silvery glow of moonbeams, her elegant fan of peacock feathers gleamed like a stained glass window. Cerulean blue, jade green and gold.
She waited patiently – there was no rush.
The broken reeds of the wind chimes tinkled in the evening breeze. Calmly she daintily drank jasmine tea from a delicate porcelain cup.
She heard his footsteps on the terrazzo.
Shadows cast by the moonlight drifted over the fallen arch of the moon gate and her lover's face.
The ancient walls were used to waiting, and so was she.
Maureen Clifford ©
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Apr 12 13, 10:03
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 18,578
Joined: 2-August 03
From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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Greetings, Maureen! Though this is officially my first response to one of your pieces, actually I had almost completed my comments on your first post in the other forum (a bush posm), when I got a call from my wife about arrangements for the sitter for my grandson Dominic (2), since she and my daughter DoriAn were not going to be returning from the hospital, since Gabriella was about to be delivered by C-section. Needless to say, I never finished my comments at that time, and when the computer lost contact with the internet some time when it was waiting for my return, I lost my comments... and though I've been back there twice already, EACH TIME I was interrupted with grandfather duties... so I just gave up, too tired to write last evening! Enough of all that... This one shows a world of difference from that other piece, with a very patient, deliberate, gentle patience, ratcheting up anticipation to your closing punch line. I thoroughly enjoyed it, and there are several lines that I really appreciated, but I'll only mention one... and point out a punctuation gaff [Though I've noted in many publications of late, apostrophes are simply eliminated... and I'm astounded by that, but... ah, well, what can little old I do?! LOL]: Shadows cast by the moonlight drifted over the fallen arch of the moon gate and her lover[']s face.Love it! deLighting in your sharing with us... and looking forward to your observations, comments and sharing in others' posts here, Daniel
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Apr 14 13, 01:39
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 399
Joined: 11-April 13
From: Australia - The great Southern Land
Member No.: 5,178
Real Name: Maureen Clifford
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:arnfinn
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Thanks Daniel for the pick up - I have amended it now, sadly punctuation is not my strong suite but I don't leave them out deliberately. So happy you liked it
I saw the piccie of your gorgeous new grandchild - beautiful and such an exciting time for the family.
Cheers
Maureen
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Apr 16 13, 20:31
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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Hi Maureen, I enjoyed the intrigue in this poem. I admit that I am not overly comfortable critiquing free verse poems, so bear with me. I'll keep it light. I tend to be more of a minimalist in fv so thought I would throw out this suggestion: since the reader can interpret that peacock feathers are elegant and fan out - might you consider deleting 'elegant fan of' ? [delete] Lit by the silvery glow of moonbeams, --> OR Lit by moonbeams' silvery glow her [elegant fan of] peacock feathers gleamed like a stained glass window. Cerulean blue, jade green and gold.She waited patiently – there was no rush. --> Perhaps italize this line?Here, I suggest deleting both 'the's in L1: [The] Broken reeds of [the] wind chimes tinkled in the evening breeze. Calmly {,} she daintily drank jasmine tea from a delicate porcelain cup. She heard his footsteps on the terrazzo. --> Perhaps italize this line?Shadows cast by the moonlight --> OR Moonlight's shadowsdrifted over the fallen arch of the moon gate --> This is a bit bumpy and wordyand her lover's face. The ancient walls were used to waiting, and so was she. Enjoyed the read! ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Apr 16 13, 22:55
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 399
Joined: 11-April 13
From: Australia - The great Southern Land
Member No.: 5,178
Real Name: Maureen Clifford
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:arnfinn
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Thank you Cleo for your help - I have amended it taking into account some of your suggestions and I think it is all the better for it.
Cheers
Maureen
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Apr 18 13, 02:44
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Nomad
Group: Silver Member
Posts: 5
Joined: 17-April 13
Member No.: 5,181
Real Name: Anisha Bhat
Writer of: Poetry
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Hi, I'm kind of a newbie to poetry writing in general, but I really loved this poem! The tone is consistent throughout and very soft and romantic. The only thing i would say is in reference to this portion:
Wind chimes broken reeds tinkled in the evening breeze as calmly, she daintily drank jasmine tea from a delicate porcelain cup.
I'm slightly confused about the inclusion of 'broken reeds'. Maybe it's a reference I don't understand, but the way I read it, it is the wind chimes that are tinkling in the breeze. I really like the subtle rhyming between reeds and breeze though.
Also, the use of two adverbs (calmly and daintily) almost directly next to one other feels a bit awkward. I think you could omit the calmly, as the entire tone of the poem, as well as the use of the words daintily and delicate, exude tranquility already!
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Apr 27 13, 00:12
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 399
Joined: 11-April 13
From: Australia - The great Southern Land
Member No.: 5,178
Real Name: Maureen Clifford
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:arnfinn
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Thanks Anisha for taking the time to read and comment. It is appreciated and your suggestion under consideration
The broken reeds are the reeds used in a wind chime. If you are familiar with the windchimes made of bamboo one end of the reed is cut (usually) on an angle thus altering the note/tone it gives.
Cheers
Maureen
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Apr 27 13, 06:47
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Creative Chieftain
Group: Centurion
Posts: 2,587
Joined: 9-August 03
From: Australia
Member No.: 17
Real Name: John
Writer of: Poetry
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G'day Maureen This beautiful poem reads very well. Free verse indeed. The words flow gently; while stage sets fall into place enhanced by coloured spotlights; out in front the attentive audience sit in silence as the final scene enfolds. Then applause. John
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Apr 30 13, 23:46
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 399
Joined: 11-April 13
From: Australia - The great Southern Land
Member No.: 5,178
Real Name: Maureen Clifford
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:arnfinn
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Gee you know how to make a girl blush John you are too kind - but hey I love it.....thank you
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May 4 13, 14:49
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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QUOTE (Maureen @ Apr 12 13, 14:10 ) Revised Version Hi Maureen, I thought I'd commented on this one but have come back to find I haven't. I love the images here -gorgeous and sensuous.
I like your revision and don't think there is anything much to suggest.THE WAITING GAME Evening shadows crept into the courtyard. Lit by the silvery glow of moonbeams, Cerulean blue, jade green and gold colours like a stained glass window gleamed from her peacock feather fan. Such a beautiful 1st stanzaShe waited patiently – there was no rush. Wind chimes broken reeds I think this might sound better the other way round. Broken reed wind chimes tinkled in the evening breeze as calmly, she daintily drank jasmine tea from a delicate porcelain cup. She heard his footsteps on the terrazzo. The moons silver fingers caressed the moon gate, hovered over the fallen arch and rested lingeringly on her lover's face. Ancient walls silently watched and waited as did she. Well what can I say - beautiful from beginning to end. I really enjoyed reading this.
Snow Maureen Clifford © the Scribbly Bark Poet. Maureen Clifford ©
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May 4 13, 22:13
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 399
Joined: 11-April 13
From: Australia - The great Southern Land
Member No.: 5,178
Real Name: Maureen Clifford
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:arnfinn
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WOW - I am overwhelmed by the likes Thank you kindly
Cheers
Maureen
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