Healing Waves (was Dream Waves), SONNET Crit *** Options

[Eisa]

Larry's poem 'Dream' reminded me of this Sonnet that I need to take a look at.

Healing Waves (REVISION)

As seas of slumber surge on me I drift
into a timeless world where hope prevails,
oblivious to squalls of frantic wails
that haunt my day. Depression starts to lift
as hostage thoughts, like deadwood in my mind,
begin to float away. Dream waves embalm --
relieve my daytime stresses. There is calm
enough to let my consciousness unwind
into that realm of fantasy, where dreams
become reality. I rest assured
of respite while my spirit’s ills are cured;
caressed with peace, my mind may cease its screams.

When tides recede I wake refreshed to cope
with day’s dilemmas. Life renewed with hope.

-------------------------------------------

Dream Waves (ORIGINAL)

As seas of slumber surge on me I drift
into a timeless world where hope prevails,
oblivious to squalls of frantic wails
that haunt my day. Depression starts to lift,
as hostage thoughts, in dead-reefs of my mind,
begin to float away. The surf embalms
relieves all daytime stresses. There is calm
enough to let my consciousness unwind
into that land of fantasy, where dreams
become reality. I rest assured
of respite while my spirit’s ills are cured;
caressed with peace, my mind may cease its screams.

When tides recede I wake refreshed to cope
with day’s dilemmas; life's renewed with hope.

[Larry]

Hi Snow,

First, thanks for the "Dreams" mention (strange that a villanelle would bring to mind a sonnet) and I'm pleased it drove you to post this very nice English Sonnet - perfect IP and lovely metrical flow. I only have teensy nits which pertain to certain words you have chosen and very minor punctuation suggestions.

I enjoyed the wave-like flow of your poem; it has an almost hypnotic feel to it which matches the content/subject matter very nicely.

Here then are the nits...

Dream Waves

As seas of slumber surge on me I drift Nice alliteration which matches the susurration of waves.
into a timeless world where hope prevails,
oblivious to squalls of frantic wails
that haunt my day. Depression starts to lift, Lose the comma at the end.
as hostage thoughts, in dead-reefs of my mind, Dead reefs don't float, perhaps "like deadwood in my mind,"
begin to float away. The surf embalms -- Perhaps end the line with "Dream waves embalm --"
relieves all daytime stresses. There is calm and continue with "relieve my daytime stresses."
enough to let my consciousness unwind
into that land of fantasy, where dreams
become reality. I rest assured Why not "where dreams are the reality."
of respite while my spirit’s ills are cured;
caressed with peace, my mind may cease its screams.

When tides recede I wake refreshed to cope
with day’s dilemmas; life's renewed with hope. Stop with "dilemmas." Then make the last part of the last line "Life's renewed with hope." Make it a commanding statement of fact instead of a seeming afterthought.

Like I said, teensy nits and yes, I realize all of them are "nit picking" so, as always, TOT!

Larry

[Eisa]

Hi Larry

I'm glad your villanelle reminded me of this one as I felt it needed a final polish.

Thanks for taking the time to read it and your suggestions are spot on - just what I needed. I'll go and do some tweaking now.

Snow

[JLY]

Snow,
Larry did a masterful job in adding some very helpful suggestions.

I very much enjoyed your poem and I have just one thought for you.

into that land of fantasy, where dreams

I would suggest that you substitute another word for "land". The image of fantasy land seems a bit juvenile and doesn't fit the serious nature of your poem. Right now, I am stumped as to come up with an alternative for you.

JLY

[Eisa]

Snow,
Larry did a masterful job in adding some very helpful suggestions.

I very much enjoyed your poem and I have just one thought for you.

into that land of fantasy, where dreams

I would suggest that you substitute another word for "land". The image of fantasy land seems a bit juvenile and doesn't fit the serious nature of your poem. Right now, I am stumped as to come up with an alternative for you.

JLY

Hi John

Yes - I see what you mean about 'fantasy land'. I thought about this and the alternative i've come up with is 'realm' What do you think?

Snow

[JLY]

Snow,
I thought of realm as an alternative; it might work for you. I will put my creative juices to work and see what I can come up with for you.
JLY

[Larry]

Hi Snow,

Nice revision (but no one knows because you changed the original post). I think "realm" of fantasy is much better suited than "land of fantasy".

Thanks for using some of my suggestions. Hope I wasn't too pushy.

Larry

[Eisa]

Hi Snow,
Hi Larry

Nice revision (but no one knows because you changed the original post). I think "realm" of fantasy is much better suited than "land of fantasy".

Yes -- I really must show my original lines

Thanks for using some of my suggestions. Hope I wasn't too pushy.

No - not pushy Larry. I was glad to get food for thought.

Snow

Larry