Nachspeise, (Dessert or Sweet) Options

[duetsdove]

You were toying with the cherry of a Shirley Temple,

while outside a procession drifted by,
their red luminaries aglow,
their footsteps echoing the worship of some deity,
the prayer for some cause.

Here, inside, the tongue of petition held itself silent --
the coming of a breeze crossed your expression
and within the intonation of your words
I could hear the distant rainfall
that thrummed against your fragility,
against windows left ajar;

and as I sipped my drink through a stir straw,
giving you my cherry when you asked,
making faces at the bite of wasabi peas
juxtaposed against the sweetness of amaretto,

I slipped into your downcast eyes
drawn by the haunt,
still intent on the dark curve of their lashes,
still conscious of the soft plane of your cheek,
adjusting to light and shadow.

~Rene~ Schwiesow

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello Rene.

This is a stunning work. I think writing this in the first person really puts the reader into her shoes, her mind, her thoughts. I have just a few ideas below for you to ponder.

[add] {delete}

You were toying with the cherry of a Shirley Temple,

Here, i would break the opening line into two as follows;
You were toying with the cherry
of a Shirley Temple,

while outside a procession drifted by,
their red luminaries aglow,
their footsteps echoing the worship of some deity,
the prayer for some cause.
Wow - the imagery really sets off the mood and the wonder as to what they are preaching about and to whom. One suggestion would be to elaborate "some cause" to be a bt more specific (unless you are going for the imagined here). Perhaps something like:
the prayer for some "unconscious" or "unsuspecting" cause. ?

Here, inside, the tongue of petition held itself silent -- (excellent)
the {coming of a} [impending] breeze crossed your expression
and within the intonation of your words
I could hear the distant rainfall
that thrummed against your fragility, (or possibly frailty ?)
against windows left ajar;

and as I sipped my drink through a stir straw,
giving you my cherry when you asked,
making faces at the bite of wasabi peas
juxtaposed against the sweetness of amaretto,

I slipped into your downcast eyes
drawn by the haunt,
still intent on the dark curve of their lashes,
still conscious of the soft plane of your cheek,
adjusting to light and shadow.

These last two stanzas really are quite potent.
Cheers
~Cleo

[AMETHYST]

Hi Renee,

Wow isn't the word. This is extremely powerful poetry. I agree with Lori, that first line would best serve with a line break after cherry.
I am off to bed right now, but have printed this out and will return to offer my in stanza thoughts.

Just had to say I've read this and have placed this on a 'Poems to be read over and over again" list.

Will return tomorrow afternoon...

Hugs, Liz

You were toying with the cherry of a Shirley Temple,

while outside a procession drifted by,
their red luminaries aglow,
their footsteps echoing the worship of some deity,
the prayer for some cause.

Here, inside, the tongue of petition held itself silent --
the coming of a breeze crossed your expression
and within the intonation of your words
I could hear the distant rainfall
that thrummed against your fragility,
against windows left ajar;

and as I sipped my drink through a stir straw,
giving you my cherry when you asked,
making faces at the bite of wasabi peas
juxtaposed against the sweetness of amaretto,

I slipped into your downcast eyes
drawn by the haunt,
still intent on the dark curve of their lashes,
still conscious of the soft plane of your cheek,
adjusting to light and shadow.

~Rene~ Schwiesow

[Arnfinn]

You were toying with the cherry of a Shirley Temple,

while outside a procession drifted by,
their red luminaries aglow,
their footsteps echoing the worship of some deity,
the prayer for some cause.

Here, inside, the tongue of petition held itself silent --<<< very nice
the coming of a breeze crossed your expression
and within the intonation of your words
I could hear the distant rainfall
that thrummed against your fragility,<<< again
against windows left ajar;<<< and again

and as I sipped my drink through a stir straw,
giving you my cherry when you asked,<<<
making faces at the bite of wasabi peas
juxtaposed against the sweetness of amaretto, <<< a pivitol, or most important, point

I slipped into your downcast eyes
drawn by the haunt,
still intent on the dark curve of their lashes,
still conscious of the soft plane of your cheek,
adjusting to light and shadow.

~Rene~ Schwiesow

G'day Rene,

This is very good poetry.

The subtle intonations are well disguised.

I don't think I've commented on your poetry a lot.

I've made a few comments. However, I'm interested in the feedback.

I shall return down the track.

Regards,


John

[TygerTyger]

Hey, Rene

What are you wanting in way of a critique on this poem?

With your word choices you've conveyed to me a theme of sensuality with a longing for contact or communication as well as providing for us a setting, seemingly, in a 'foreign' place. There's a slight sense of indulgence or, at the least, of 'last things first' (for who sips Shirley Temples before eating peas?) I also get a strong feeling of femininity reaching out for something that has eluded her previously.

Your story line and stanza/line breaks seem right on the mark. No awkwardness or strained reading.

Just my impressions, for whatever they may be worth.

But I can't offer you anything else because you seem to have said well what you wanted to say.

Sorry!

Dennis!

[Arnfinn]

You were toying with the cherry of a Shirley Temple,

Back,

Little by little food

piccolo al piccolo mangiare

OK, Rene, got the drift.

I mentioned, and I agree with Dennis. A nice tight poem here.


while outside a procession drifted by,
their red luminaries aglow,
their footsteps echoing the worship of some deity,
the prayer for some cause.<<< the centre of attraction should have been in your direction: but wasn't

Here, inside, the tongue of petition held itself silent -- <<< A silent message?
the coming of a breeze crossed your expression<<<
and within the intonation of your words<<<<
I could hear the distant rainfall<<<
that thrummed against your fragility,<<<
against windows left ajar; <<< He, (I assume it was a he) had an idea. An unsure proposal, while looking at (your face)

and as I sipped my drink through a stir straw,
giving you my cherry when you asked,
making faces at the bite of wasabi peas
juxtaposed against the sweetness of amaretto, <<< an acceptance/ non-acceptance.

I slipped into your downcast eyes <<<Dunno (downcast) a love gesture? Though, because of the unkown factor, good poetry.
drawn by the haunt,
still intent on the dark curve of their lashes,<<< their? is this a typo, she slipped into downcast eyes.
still conscious of the soft plane of your cheek,<<<
adjusting to light and shadow.<<< A good couplet, I find a sense of second thoughts?

~Rene~ Schwiesow

Rene, I've haven't any crits.

All I've given you is my views.

Thank you for the enjoyment.


Regards,


John

[wordsart]

Hi Rene

I just wanted to add my four penneth on this one!

I too admire this poem. I like the way you conjure a mood with these words. This first line would probably look better with a break as others have suggested.

'You were toying with the cherry
of a Shirley Temple,'


I like the image of the cherry inside and the red luminaries of the procession outside. I saw your Shirley Temple eater at the window seat, of course!! And 'drifted by' gives a sense of seeing but not hearing, which seems to say that it is seen through glass.

'while outside a procession drifted by,
their red luminaries aglow,'

In the next lines I like 'some deity' and 'some cause'. If you do change one it could possibly unbalance that.

And I like the onomatopaea (which I never spell right!!) in all the shuffling sounds. So perhaps the glass is not that thick after all!! But also this gave me the impression of a hissing coffee machine inside as the procession drifts past outside.

Lots of nice alliteration in these lines too.

'their footsteps echoing the worship of some deity,
the prayer for some cause.'




The next line has rightly been remarked on as a great line.


'Here, inside, the tongue of petition held itself silent --'


'The immininent breeze', 'the portending breeze', 'the impending breeze' will all be fine in the next line but so is 'the coming of a breeze', as you have it already. I suppose 'imminent' and 'impending' will alliterate with 'intonation' from the following line. And you will know which, if any, alteration you prefer and which rhythm suits your poem best as well.


'the coming of a breeze crossed your expression'

The next few lines are beautiful;

'and within the intonation of your words
I could hear the distant rainfall
that thrummed against your fragility,
against windows left ajar;'

I love the metaphor here, the imagery, onomatopaeic 'thrummed', the assonance of 'within the intonation', alliteration of 'within' and 'words'

'against your fragility,
against windows left ajar;' is really great.
To me this encompasses the vulnerability of being naieve, (of leaving your windows ajar); You have been offered 'fraility' as an alternative to 'fragility'. My personal preference is for 'your fragility' since for me the rhythm of that word works better. Also it works better with 'window' than 'fraility' imho:-)

The next stanza works well; the strong images and the metaphors. But for me the rhythm of the first and last lines is a little off. I think the first could need an extra short syllable and the last seems a bit long.

I wonder if 'and as I sipped my drink through a stir straw,' could be altered by taking out 'my drink' and inserting 'my soda'? This gives a stress then a short beat and followed by the long beat of 'through' seems to work rhythmically. 'sipped my drink through' has two stressed beats.

I like 'giving you my cherry when you asked,
making faces at the bite of wasabi peas'

'juxtaposed against the sweetness of amaretto', has a nice sound and plenty of alliteration. Also it is obviously important content-wise.

But I am not certain about the effectiveness of 'juxtaposed against' I wonder if you could just say 'against'. That way you get the contrasting 'bite' and 'sweetness' closer too...

then it would be;

and as I sipped soda through a stir straw,
giving you my cherry when you asked,
making faces at the bite of wasabi peas
against the sweetness of amaretto,

then your final stanza is just perfect.

I slipped into your downcast eyes
drawn by the haunt, (love the alliterative assonance here)
still intent on the dark curve of their lashes,
still conscious of the soft plane of your cheek,
adjusting to light and shadow.

I really like the way that last phrase can be read as you adjusting to light and shadow or as her cheek adjusting to light and shadow.
I slipped into your downcast eyes is lovely.

I like the inside outside worlds of this poem and the inner inside world.
It really doesn't need much tinkering as it is a fine poem, but I have suggested a few minor tweaks where to my ear, the lines are slightly long or off rhythm. And have tried to outline the things I really like and some of the reasons why (sometiems I don't know why, I just like things as a gut reaction!!). I hope my suggestions assist and if you decide not to alter anything at all, I will agree it is a fine poem as it stands.

Jenni