The Future’s Looking Bright, (Pantoum) Options

[Merlin]

This is my first posting in a very long while.  Its written after a theme for a certain magazine.  I did 3 different styles of that theme.



The Future’s Looking Bright

They say the future’s looking bright
since everywhere you look around
there’s people working day and night
and buildings rising from the ground.

Since everywhere you look around
you see construction booms and cranes
and buildings rising from the ground –
it makes you want to pull the reins.

You see construction booms and cranes
no matter where you stand or look.
It makes you want to pull the reins
and sit beside some soothing brook.

No matter where you stand or look
there’s people working day and night
not sitting down beside some brook…
they say the future’s looking bright.

[Guest_Maxim_*]

Hi Merlin

I think you've lived up to your name here - it's magic. For me you've carried off the line repeats with skill and a smooth and catchy tempo. I assume the slight variation in the final stanza is permitted in the form - but if it wasn't I would still prefer your slight variation. I think the form suits your subject as it captures the non-stop hurly-burly feel and the ending for me implies that even when you want to "pull the reins" the pressure is on the keep working "for the bright future".

It would be hard to suggest changes to such a tight form but I can't see any need anyway. A very nice construction.

Well done.

MaXiM

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Merlin,

This reads so pleasantly, the rhythm cheerful and upbeat.  Almost
at the same tempo people rush about these days.  Your repetition
sounds so natural it's unreal.  I wrote just one and it sounded
pathetic and I've not tried again.  lol

I have no nits or suggestions, just praise!
Cathy

[jgdittier]

Dear Merlin,
A piece such as this I take as serious poetry as I know it takes great art and much, much patience to get it ready to post.
Poetry that meets all the specs and yet sounds natural, makes a clear point and leaves a smile is "lookin' bright," alright!!
I like the upbeat flavor too, both in the body and the title!
Cheers,    jgd

[Merlin]

Thank you for the nice comments, Max, Cathy, & Ron.

The pantoum isn't the most common form - you see why!  I've done a few but it is rare that I get the urge.  The theme was "the future looks bright", and I found a bit of trouble getting anything going - so I tried a pantoum once again.  I'm glad you find it works.

It's positively happening here - loads of work leading up to the winter olympics in 2010.  Construction seems to have no end - one shouldn't complain.  On the flip side, there are those mixed feelings that the tranquility gets lost - those times when one loiters beside a babbling brook.

You're right about the line near the end, Max.  I have taken liberties, and am not sure if it is allowed in the rules.  However, others have done so and my line is, "damn the torpedoes!"  I generally always counsel to spread one's wings and stretch the boundaries.

Very appreciated comments.

Merlin

[JLY]

Merlin,
I may be echoing my peers, but I found this to be a joy to read. I always look for a message and yours was well thought out.
Well-done.
JLY

[Guest_Don_*]

Dear Merlin,

I shall try again this day
to escape the net's way
to send condolance astray

I thoroughly admire writers of good or better pantoums.  Yours has a unique mix of desired haunting element spoken in traditional upbeat phrases.

You convey the sadness of something lost in something gained.

Thanks for the wonderful read.

Don

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Eric.

I've never tried this form, Pantoum, and it looks very complicated at first glance. The repetition must make sense as you use the lines again and maintain the rhyme scheme.  :privateeye:

I enjoyed your message. The future is certainly bright for the construction industry.

I just hope there will be that brook to sit beside in our future....

Well done!
~Cleo  :princess:

[AMETHYST]

Wow Eric,


I have to admit, the Pantoum was the hardest form I had attempted and my attempt was mediocre as best, while this is remarkably well written. The repetitive lines blend so well that I barely could notice. Each line stood on their own and each stanza is read without a flaw.

The Future’s Looking Bright

Only a personal preference-I like when the title holds something new to add to the poem that the poem's body doesn't give--or a summary of the subject... such as; "Progress" ... ??


They say the future’s looking bright
since everywhere you look around
there’s people working day and night
and buildings rising from the ground.

like butter... smooth and unobtrusive-skillful choice of words and common rhymes that go completely unnoticed.

Since everywhere you look around
you see construction booms and cranes
and buildings rising from the ground –
it makes you want to pull the reins.

L2, and the change in direction is applaudable, how each repeat lines.

You see construction booms and cranes
no matter where you stand or look.
It makes you want to pull the reins
and sit beside some soothing brook.

Excellent. Absolutely Excellent.

No matter where you stand or look
there’s people working day and night
not sitting down beside some brook…
they say the future’s looking bright.

I have to admit Eric, I am sitting in admiration of how you've taken this form and made it appear so simple and easy. When this is one of the most difficult forms to do without fumbling and sounding awkward. And Yet... there is not a single fumble. Great work. LIz

[Merlin]

Thank you all for your endorsing replies, JLY, don, Cleo & Liz.

I had gotten hooked on pantoums for a while, but am thankfully over that phase.  It was a challenge writing this form in the beginning, as the pantoum seemed to take control and steer away from where I was intending to go - that repetition.  It was a tussle to get back on track at times.

This is the first in a long time, and I'm happy to see it being well accepted.  

Your comments are encouraging, maybe I'll attempt another.

Merlin

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Merlin,

You certainly do make the compexity of this form seem natural yet you have the power of the repeats that builds to something much more. The message comes through well indeed.

Reading this is like watching ice skaters at the winter Olympics - I myself may never do more than shuffle across a rink (and slide on my butt, lol), but it is wonderful to see it done brilliantly by someone who makes it look easy.  :pharoah2

Fran