Words Never Spoken Options

[galoutofdixie]

This is an old poem, written at least 3 or 4 years ago. I was never happy with the last stanza, so I removed it for this posting. Maybe someone here can offer some suggestions to help breathe new life into it?

Words Never Spoken

I chose not to speak
of dark swirls in my mind.
Instead, I smiled on
and the swirls combined

into a spill of words
bleeding furiously from my pen
changing from light to dark
and becoming light again.

Unable to contain
the savage path of thought,
words erupt around me,
the destruction they wrought

leaving me paralyzed,
consumed by an angry fire.
Sanity gives way,
falling victim to the pyre.

[Merlin]

Hello galout,

I believe it's safe to assume that you don't wish new life breathed into the verse you've not posted, right?

Our styles appear to be too different for me to give much input. I have no wish to change anyone's style or habit, and there are things you do which I avoid - like beginning a verse mid-sentence. You're free to do that, of course. I also prefer longer lines, rather than short, choppy ones. Again, that's personal.

In your case, I just fiddled with the first 2 lines, making a longer read out of it by adding some words. This is what my changes look like:
I chose not to speak of dark swirls in my mind
that leave me too woozy and tired.

I would continue in that particular vein, to tell more of a story with some detail.

For what it's worth,

There tis.

Merlin

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello Leigh Ann.

It's nive to see you again! Before I offer a critique, I'm curious to (as was Merlin) about that last stanza. Is it something you can share with us (maybe as a reply to me) just so we can see where your original thoughts were and then take it into consideration on the commentary?

TTYL
~Cleo

[galoutofdixie]

Hi Lori,

Thanks, it's good to be back :-) I hope to spend more time here in the future.

Since both you and Merlin asked about the last stanza, I've included it here. I just felt it was trite and, well, kinda lame!!! I know this particular poem does not follow any particular structure, which is unusal because in rhymed verse, I usually stick to the more rigid forms. But this was written on-the-fly and then put aside. Please feel free to suggest anything-I'm open to any and all comments, positive or negative.

Here's how the last stanza read:

Now these scars I bear
will forever be a token,
a living witness to
words never spoken.

[Merlin]

Hi Leigh Ann,
(I read the fine print.)

I'll lend a few more thoughts, and you're free to discard any, of course.

I'd suggest you move this into present tense, thereby having "choose" over "chose". While you are by no means guilty of doing the 2-stop, you do end-stop L2. People like me will immediately tune into that, and you loose marks. I'd suggest you continue the thought process a little longer to avoid the 2-stop dance.

Your final verse is by no means without a hope of revival. My best words of wisdom, given me by a very respected poet, is that there is always another way of saying the same thing. I'll suggest you insert some colorful adjectives/adverbs, some action verbs, to bring a bit of life to this. The opening with "dark swirls" adds a negative image I don't like straight off. Different wording puts the same picture into a better image. Below follows what I've tinkered with, maintaining your shorter line lengths. Whatever you think - there tis.

I choose not to speak
of swirls that cloud my mind,
rather smile on the churning,
the good, the maligned,
till they spill into words
from my outpouring pen
in a torrent of shadows
until light strikes again.


I put in "churning" as a synonym for "swirl," to avoid that repetition so close. Of course, you'll need to use your own wording, not mine. I'll leave the rest for you to play with, should you desire.

Best

Merlin

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi dixie,

I do agree with Merlin.

Perhaps rhyming couplet stanzas would generate long lines for your composition. My main objection is it contains too much personal angst. I am turned away by its negative depression.

Try to minimize dramatics and write in a more conversational tone. For instance the title could simply be "unspoken words." Use fewer modifiers, which detract more than enhance your message.

Be distinct in your descriptions and images. If it is a fog it should definitely be a fog.

Words like "erupt" are great action verbs. They hold reader's feet to your pyre.

I am slightly confused in that the words are unspoken, but you are writing them. Could it be that no words exist and that those written merely verify that there are none available to be said?

Don't overlook formating into free verse, which will cllip the chains of rhyme and allow play with line lengths. Please be aware that my preference is structured, but art demands whatever it takes.

I am reminded of the classical music, "Song Without Words." Wordless music has a purpose.

Last but most important is, as a working member, I sincerely welcome you to MM.

Don

[galoutofdixie]

Merlin and Don,

Thank you both for your input.

Merlin, the examples you provided are very enlightening. I will consider them at great length...I do agree that the poem should move into present tense. Not that I see it that way, I have an idea of how it could continue.

[JustDaniel]

Greetings Leigh Ann. It's great to see you again!

I have no idea whether you'd like to see this with an even meter, but it's been a fun exercise to try to twist and sLightly interpret your words hopefully without damaging your intent... just to give you another perspective about offering your message with a bit of a more even meter.

Please take or toss whatever you please. I really do have a growing appreciation for works that have rhyme without concern for meter... and yet something in me tells me to play with the lines anyhow. I hope you'll just enjoy the journey with me as I have with you.

Words Never Spoken

I choose not to speak
of dark swirls in my mind[;] (.)
instead, I've smiled on
and the swirls have combined

in to a great spill of words
bleeding furiously forth from my pen[.]
They change ing from light to dark
and become ing light again.

Unable to contain
[ or Untamed still, the savage
foot-path of my thought, ]
the savage path of thought,
words erupt around me,
[ or volcanic words ring me
in chaos they've wrought ]
the destruction they wrought

leaving me paralyzed,
[ or I'm left paralytic,
consumed, burnt in ire. ]
consumed by an angry fire.
Sanity gives way,
[ or My sanity's crushed,
victimized by the pyre. ]
falling victim to the pyre.

deLighting in sharing in your words without victimizing them with the dreaded pyre, Daniel

[jgdittier]

Dear galoutofdixie,
Those who read my verse or my comments know I'm focussed on metre and believe that end rhymed poetry needs meter for the rhymes to add.
I've revised your metre hoping to maintain your message and post this here just to provide an example of what beat can add. Our styles differ, so I'll not be surprised if you adopt none of
what follows:

My choice was not to speak
of the swirls that mute my mind.
Instead I smiled once more
and all those swirls combined

into a spill of words
that bled and fled my pen
to change from light to dark,
becoming light again.

Unable to contain
that savage path of thought,
erupting words surround me,
destruction's what they wrought.

Paralyzed, I pay,
consumed by angry fire.
Sanity gives way.
I'm victim of the pyre!