Just a little something to get my feet wet here on MM. Comments welcome.

First off, WELCOME!
I liked this one. Very true to the birth of a poem. My critique is really about deleting some articles, which seem to slow the poem down. Perhaps some line breaks. My version of the poem would be as follows (in bold), which really isn't changing much, except the tense, line breaks, and removing articles.

Letters float in the sky Letters floating in the sky
Dive through my ears Diving through my ears
And into my mind Into my mind (I can feel these first 3 lines... I've been there)
Where they run amuck Running a muck (2 words)

Until they are forced until forced to cling
To cling together as words together as words,
Wrestling over each other wrestling each other
To form sentences forming sentences
Worthy of the page worthy of the page

One is crossed out one crossed out (I think crossed out is so.. plain. Perhaps "severed" or "cut")
Another put in its place another put in place
Lines are rearranged lines rearranged
Or completely tossed away or tossed away maybe "thrown out" or "deleted".. I took out "completely" because it is implied... to throw something away is already completely.

Critique is examined critiques examined
Changes are made changes made

The tortuous process
Finished at last I'd like to see a dash or something here, just to accentuate the pause
A moment of pride it seems unfinished here

Hi Dee -- again welcoe to MM. An enjoyable frost post ... a little trimming perhaps would help make it even more concise.

[ ] delete





I think this would be greatly improved woth some punctaution, to help the reader know whento pause in reading. At the moment it reads as one very long sentence.

I hope something I've suggested might be helpful to you.

Snow

Hi Dee!
Welcome to MM! Do you call this poem 'a little something'? If so, I'm excited about what comes next, Dee!!
I have very few crits. I'm always afraid of imposing my ideas on another's style. I don't mind the lack of punctuation. It's refreshing to read a variety of styles. Please toss out what's no use to you, natch'

Oooh... Fantabulous critique! Yay!

Thanks to all of you for taking the time to read and comment. It is most appreciated.

I will revise shortly. Please do stop back in and look.

Thanks again!

Dee

Hi Dee,

I love the imagery you've created... I like thinking of letters floating around in the air! *smiles* Just a few thoughts for you to ponder... use or lose as you see fit~

Cathy


Letters float in the sky

The sky seems so out-of-reach... what about 'Letters float on a breeze'

Div[ing]{e} through my ears[,]
{And} into my mind
Where they run amuck I love the imagery here!
Until they are forced

I don't see them as being forced... maybe 'until determined'?

To cling together as words
Wrestling {over} each other
To form sentences
Worthy of the page[.]
One is crossed out[,] 'omitted' instead of 'crossed out'?
Another put in its place[,]
Lines are rearranged
Or completely tossed away[.]
Critique is examined
Changes are made You could also use 'decisions' here instead of changes
The tortuous process
Finished at last[...]

I would put a space between the last two lines. I think it would give the last line more emphasis. You could also bring the two lines together by using 'In' at the beginning of the last line.
A moment of pride

It would look like this:

Letters float on a breeze
Diving through my ears,
Into my mind
Where they run amuck
Until determined
To cling together as words;
Wrestling each other
To form sentences
Worthy of the page.
One is omitted,
Another put in its place,
Lines are rearranged
Or completely tossed away.
Critique is examined
Decisions are made;
The tortuous process
Finished at last...

In a moment of pride

Thanks for all the great critique!

I have revised based on what y'all suggested. Please reread and make additional comments/suggestions as you see fit.

Thanks again!

Dee

Dear Dee,

It is here I welcome you
for mutual benefit to accrue

The following opinions relate to your first revision.

It probably is the nature of the beast, but I first imagined "letters" as documents.

Flitting letters in the sky
dive into my mind
to congeal as words
grouped in sentences
worthy of a page

"Tortuous" in third to last line begs to become an image.

Thanks for sharing. See ya later.

Don

Hi Dee, I just want to tell you that I like the revisions that you made to this poem. It is so true, especially the tug of war to find the right words, and the sorting out until all is the way it should be. I think this workshop is a marvelous place, and I enjoy it here so much. Judi

Hello Dee,

Again, welcome to Mosaic Musings, I hope you are getting comfortable with the forums and finding your way around with ease. I too like this poem for both the subject and the idea! I am going to focus on your revised draft and most of my thoughts and suggestions will pertain to some further weeding out.What first jumped to my attention that I thought would improve this was making it more present tense... sharpen the images and give them motion. Such as in L1, "Letters float" seem more definitive and moving then floating ... IMO ...

Please of course, use what is helpful to your intentions for the poem and discard what isn't.

Best Regards, Liz ...







So it would resemble something like:

Birth of a Poem


Letters float in the sky
flutter by my ear
and sneak into my mind-
running amuck
clinging together, as words
which wrestle one another-
to form sentences ...

lines rearrange,
dangle, then flit away-
Critique is examined and analyzed
as changes create
a tortuous process - finished at last

my moment of pride





Good luck with this ...

Hi Dee!
I've been following your birth pangs silently and now I want to say that I love your revised version, especially since you've preserved your own style, incorporating suggestions that didn't alter your original intentions. When we crit we often want to re-write poems "our way", I guess we can't help it... but you've picked out the essentials and your poem is still your own!
Thanks for the excellent read!
Sylvia ***

Hi Dee,

Great poem! I really like the revised version. And, I agree with Psyche, I also don't mind the lack of punctuation. I think it really works here. I love the way the poem reads

Thank you all for taking the time to crit/comment this poem. It is truly appreciated.

I'm undecided right now on whether I'll revise again. A lot of that has to do with the fact that I'm extremely busy at the present time. We'll see. I welcome additional comments/crits, however.

Thanks again!

Dee

Hi Dee.

I enjoyed your poem, bringing thoughts to life, the actions we take to refine our work and the ultimate ending - pride for a job well done!

I only have two suggestions actually (aside from punctuation that I will ignore since there isn't any) below. I had a hard time with the opening because I was trying to visualize letters in the sky and then a 'dive through ears'. So, I thought of dive within the context of an ocean and surfing - catching that big wave and have offered an alternate.

Letters floating in the sky
[Letters surf upon the sea
ride the wave then break]
[They] dive through my ears
{And} into my mind

Critique is examined
{Changes} [Revisions] made

What a neat poem! Welcome to MM!

~Cleo