Behind The Door - revised 3/9/11, Book Title Challenge #44 Options

[JLY]

BEHIND THE DOOR

Into the gauntlet they’ll race,
lustful cravings, eager to explore;
scented candles spirit their search
beyond bedroom’s beckoning door.

No time to mull the first rule,
nor take a blood oath in jest;
ardor’s safe haven looms ahead,
indecisions an unwelcome guest.

A glass rainbow’s hypnotic glow
mirrors lava lamp’s hued swirls.
Breathless yearnings now abound!
The grand design quickly unfurls.

Tousled clothing on the floor;
pirouetting pair take delight.
A lost empire of indulgent visions
whet pent-up appetites tonight.

On rolling ripples they will lie;
tepid water buoys the bed;
passions afloat, with fiery flesh…
torrid hunger will soon be fed.

Drained desires fly away home
as amorous moans slowly subside;
dreams realized, fantasies fulfilled;
steaming emotions no longer denied.

BEHIND THE DOOR

Into the gauntlet they’ll race,
lustful cravings, theirs to explore;
scented candles spirit the search
beyond bedroom’s beckoning door.

No time to mull the first rule,
nor take a blood oath in jest;
ardor’s safe haven looms ahead,
indecisions an unwelcome guest.

The glass rainbow’s hypnotic glow
mirrors lava lamp’s hued swirls.
Breathless yearnings abound!
The grand design quickly unfurls.

Tousled clothes on the floor;
pirouetting partners take delight.
A lost empire of indulgent visions
whet pent-up appetites tonight.

On rolling ripples they will lie;
tepid water buoys the bed;
passions float their fiery flesh…
ruttish hunger will soon be fed.

Fagged desires fly away home
as amorous moans slowly subside;
dreams realized, fantasies fulfilled;
streaming emotions no longer denied.


Titles used (in order of appearance): Into the Gauntlet; The Search; The First Rule; Blood Oath; Safe Haven; The Glass Rainbow; The Grand Design; Lost Empire; Fly Away Home

Book Title Challenge #44

[Guest_bombadil1247_*]

Hi, JLy,

must take a look at those games

Really liked this and you rose to the challenge well imo. Only two little vocabularly suggestions, both in the last verse.

Fagged desires fly away home
as amorous moans slowly subside;
dreams realized, fantasies fulfilled;
streaming emotions no longer denied.

'Fagged' doesn't quite work for me, probably because of outmoded connotations, perhaps just 'fed'? Likewise 'amorous' seems to break the mood created, perhaps something like 'lustful' or 'sated' might suit better? Just my thoughts of course, yours to use or lose as usual,
Jim

[JLY]

Jim,
Thanks for the suggestions; you brought up some great ideas.

I used the word gauntlet and that summoned up some old-world thoughts and images and I guess that is why I chose fagged, but based upon your take, I just may change it.

Thanks again.
JLY

[AMETHYST]

Hiya John,


I enjoyed this and as I've come to expect from you, there is a delightfully waltzing tempo to this. Sometimes I just cannot believe these wonderful poems come from the challenges and you put them together so well that I admire your talents.

Some thoughts to follow - I didn't really see anything that needed change, perhaps a few suggestions to follow that you might give another look ...

Hugs, Liz

BEHIND THE DOOR

Nice title. I think it sets the scene and reader without too much luring...

Into the gauntlet they’ll race,
lustful cravings, theirs to explore;
scented candles spirit the search
beyond bedroom’s beckoning door.

I might relook at L2, "...theirs' and substitute it with something more descriptive or active and use 'their in L3' ...

lustful cravings, raging to explore;
scented candles spirit their search -

I love the sounds in L4, that also create a very strong image and allows the reader to feel the sensuality in the line without painting the full picture.

No time to mull the first rule,
nor take a blood oath in jest;
ardor’s safe haven looms ahead,
indecisions an unwelcome guest.

Excellent stanza. Strong in meaning. L2/L4 are powerful. I adore the 'blood oath in jest' and creating a personalization of indecision... no nits here! Great work.

The glass rainbow’s hypnotic glow
mirrors lava lamp’s hued swirls.
Breathless yearnings abound!
The grand design quickly unfurls.

Perhaps 'A glass rainbow's hypnotic glow,'
and in L3, maybe 'Breathless yearnings now abound'

Tousled clothes on the floor;
pirouetting partners take delight.
A lost empire of indulgent visions
whet pent-up appetites tonight.

L1, perhaps Tousled clothing on the floor; Excellent imagery here. Tousled clothes show the hurriedness of the moment, the passion, the need.
In L3, perhaps 'pirouetting pair take delight..." the too many syllables create a stopping point for this reader.

On rolling ripples they will lie;
tepid water buoys the bed;
passions float their fiery flesh…
ruttish hunger will soon be fed.

L3, felt awkward - a little confusing in intention for me.
perhaps ... passions afloat, with fiery flesh ...

Fagged desires fly away home
as amorous moans slowly subside;
dreams realized, fantasies fulfilled;
streaming emotions no longer denied.

I will give a second vote to make a change of 'fagged'
and perhaps in L4, 'steaming ...' to enhance the fire/water combination that makes steam...

John as always I enjoyed this powerful, and explosive experience of passion, desire - need - and finally satisfaction... good choice words and images that let me, the reader, burn with the desires and feel each action as my own... Good work

Hugs, Liz

[JLY]

Liz,
Thanks for spending the time on reviewing my poem. Your comments and suggestions are always welcome and much of what you have given me is very helpful.

I enjoy the challenges because they force me to be creative and they take away the horror of sitting in front of a blank screen / canvas and trying to figure out what to write about.

I will make some modifications soon and then post and updated version.

Thanks again,
JLY

[AMETHYST]

Hi John,

That is where I should be too, the challenges, trying to stir that inspiration - that's exactly what happens to me, a blank screen/page and an empty thick cotton of thoughtless stare... LOL

I look forward to reading and commenting on the upcoming revision! I enjoyed this and look forward to more of your creative stirrings.

Hugs, Liz

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Jly, Well done, I have not done this before reading your work hopefully when I get to it I will have other thoughts....lol. Great job with the words, I think I noticed one in the reading, but tis ok at least you have done and finished and I have yet to begin. Tis, Unwell I've been, ya thats the good ole excuse....lol
Take care my friend
Steve

[JLY]

Steve,
Write when you feel up to it; if it is forced, it just may not measure up to your high standards that you have set for yourself.
We look forward to your offerings whenever you can muster the juices to flow like a creative river.
JLY