Perhaps Options

[saore]

Perhaps


Each new blow
shoved me closer
to the guillotine of silence
my dream shot
between my legs
our bed vanished.
Dawn reverted
to a stranglehold
perhaps

and when nothing
but a definite good-bye
remained, I squatted
and pissed inside
your shoes.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Sergio - I'm going to lock this thread till Monday as you've already posted a new poem here in Seren's today. Just a friendly reminder that you may post one new topic every 2 days when 2 responses are provided.

Thanks for your cooperation and understanding!
~Cleo

[saore]

Yes, I wasn't sure if I could do it. I did offer a few critiques I think they were two for each poem. But I was not sure about any other rule. And of course, I am all for following the rules. I was a teacher too long not to understand that. Thank you Snow,

sergio

[Maggie]

Hi sergio,

I like your apparent honesty in this poem! And I love the final line: If I weren't a woman, I'd love to piss in a few people's shoes too!! Ha!!!

Perhaps


Each new blow
shoved me closer
to the guillotine of silence (Period after "silence.")
my dream shot
between my legs (Period after "legs.")

our bed vanished. (What happened actually here? Did you fall off the bed?)

Dawn reverted
to a stranglehold
perhaps (I'd leave out "perhaps.")

and when nothing
but a definite good-bye
remained, I stood up
and pissed inside
your shoes. ( indeed I love this last stanza.)

Use anything you can and discard whatever you like, for you're the poet, and a good one at that!!

Peggy

[saore]

Perhaps


Each new blow
shoved me closer
to the guillotine of silence,
my dream shot
between my legs,
our bed vanished.
Dawn reverted
to a stranglehold
perhaps

and when nothing
but a definite good-bye
remained, I'd squat
and pissed inside
your shoes.



Peggy if I were to put complete punctuation on the poem it would be like the one above. I was going for minimal punctuation. And the word Perhaps is the central point of the poem as it is used, I will not delete it. Thank you for the suggestions.

Sergio

[Guest_bombadil1247_*]

Hi, saore,

I get the feeling, at least from the first strophe, that you read a lot of post-modernists works.

Each new blow
shoved me closer
to the guillotine of silence

I've taken these three lines together because this seems to be the first complete image offered. The story seems to be about an abusive relationship, steadily deteriorating but that 'guillotine
of silence' is a bit confusing. Guillotines and silence are associated with death, so is that your way of expressing that fear, that the violence will have fatal results? Strophe 2 would suggest not, unless there is a strong death wish. I think it's more likely to be a reference to the relationship ending; the guillotine in Politics being referenced where debate is cut short? Perhaps, but I think it's your idea of a clever way of saying 'leaving you' - if that's the case, then 'of silence is not needed, it's over-egging the pudding imo.

my dream shot
between my legs,
our bed vanished.

Another convoluted image, does this just mean that the love/lust has gone out of the relationship? That would explain 'our bed' no longer existing.

Dawn reverted
to a stranglehold
perhaps

I've had several discussions with post-modernists and these lines really meet their mantra that 'confusion is the new communication' - I've never been able to convince them to see the oxymoron in that. How can dawn revert? Is this an acknowledgement that life wasn't perfect before this relationship? You can't go on, but there's not a lot of optimism left? Then there's the stranglehold image, this would seem to support the idea of a bad history and of course it reinforces the violence shown in the first line but why tie it to dawn? Is there no sense of choice, no optimism of the new day? Was there never any such? I don't know, it's guess work at best. Then 'perhaps' - I note you describe this as the centrepoint of this piece but I'm blowed if I can see how. Had you used 'strangled' or even 'strangulated' it would have strengthened the uncertainty that image I think I can see in these lines but I suspect it's simply put in there to confuse.

and when nothing
but a definite good-bye
remained, I squatted
and piss inside
your shoes.

Strophe 2 is a completely different animal, good clear images and a wonderful assertion of independence to close, though you have to make the verb tenses agree - ie 'pissed and squatted'
or 'piss and squat'.

My advice would be to lose the first strophe completely - there is very little reward for a lot of work - retitle this 'Guillotine' and go with strophe 2 on its own. Just my opinions of course, yours to use or lose,
Jim

[saore]

thank you Ed for catching that piss pissed at the end.


Sergio