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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
| Guest_bombadil1247_* |
 Jul 20 10, 06:13
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#1
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Removed for clarification by mods
Jim Reposted. Bed Sit Last night’s knickers drying on a broken radiator Last night’s love snoring in her bed; ‘Bless me, father, for I have sinned…’ She dropped her bathrobe opened the window and stepped through. Daddy would never understand |
  
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Jul 20 10, 11:00
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#2
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Jim - I forwarded your message along - we'll get back to you soon...
~Cleo ·······  ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner           |
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| Guest_bombadil1247_* |
Jul 25 10, 07:10
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#3
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QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ Jul 20 10, 17:00 )  Hi Jim - I forwarded your message along - we'll get back to you soon... ~Cleo Thanks for the clarification, Lori, have reposted as an edit, Jim |
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Jul 27 10, 17:28
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#4
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Laureate Legionnaire  Posts: 3,446 Joined: 16-October 06 From: UK Member No.: 298 Real Name: Alan McAlpine Douglas Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori/Eisa/loads of old friends |
Dear Jim,
Brilliantly grim and/or grimly brilliant. Absolutely no absolution .... Love Alan ······· ······· |
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| Guest_bombadil1247_* |
Jul 29 10, 10:25
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#5
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QUOTE (Alan @ Jul 27 10, 23:28 ) Dear Jim, Brilliantly grim and/or grimly brilliant. Absolutely no absolution .... Love Alan Thanks, Alan, I think...  Not all epiphanies are glorious, glad you caught the 'penance' reference though, Jim |
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Aug 7 10, 08:34
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#6
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 Egyptian Posts: 327 Joined: 17-May 08 From: San Juan Puerto Rico Member No.: 508 Real Name: Sergio Ortiz Writer of: Poetry |
Loved this, I am a fan already!!!! Bravo!
Sergio ······· ······· |
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Aug 11 10, 15:19
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#7
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Brillianly written Jim it's good to read you again.
The only suggestion I can make for you to mull over is: Last night’s knickers dry[ing] on a broken radiator Last night’s love snores[ing] in her bed; Very poignant ending Snow  ······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner    |
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| Guest_bombadil1247_* |
Aug 12 10, 04:08
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#8
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Hi, Sergio,
thanks for stopping by and taking the time to comment, much appreciated, Jim |
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| Guest_bombadil1247_* |
Aug 12 10, 04:24
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#9
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Hi, Snow,
Thanks for stopping by. The gerund form is chosen deliberately to suggest continuity - the knickers will go on drying and the lover will go on snoring after she 'leaves'. Grammatically, I should have left the 'are/is' qualifiers before these but felt this way was stronger. I've contrasted her actions by placing them in the past tense - she is beyond salvation both physically and spiritually - in an attempt to hint at the selfishness of suicide; no thought of the effect on the still sleeping lover and the dismissal of the parent as 'not understanding'. Hope that explains my thinking there. I have cut this to the bone from original draft and feel that it's almost there, just don't feel in my gut that your suggestions fit with my intent, hope you can understand. I do appreciate the visit though, the gift of another's time is precious to me, Jim |
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