Hello James, This poem attracted me from the title with its gothic tone. I notice your style doesn't depend on punctuation which is ok if you want to use it as a signature. Though, I am a punctuation freak myself. (not necessarily using them correctly)
Here are my thoughts on this:
Death was left, blushing red
Abruptly caught trying to steal my breath and mistook me for dead while, I stood there on a desolate beach, with idle hands and bare feet
Excellent opening line personifying "Death" and I notice that you proceed with this in near rhymes. About the second part after "Abruptly" it's death that is caught, right? if so then maybe you will change where your line breaks are to continue the thought correctly. Death was left blushing red, abruptly caught trying to steal my breath. -------full stop
Mistaken for dead I stood on a desolate beach with idle hands and bare feet.
I clipped off some parts of it and reworked the line breaks. Ofcourse there are just suggestions for you to take or toss.
Silenced by the sleepy waves as they, half- awake lulled that ray of silence, and hushed those forgotten lullabies that bore the evil cries of trepidation
This part is a bit wordy. Sleepy waves do mean they are half-awake, dont you think? How about: I am silenced by sleepy waves with their half- awake curling lulling that ray of silence and hushing forgotten lullabies as they bear evil cries of trepidation.
Might have screwed up your thoughts but this has to read smoother IMHO, and you are free to use or lose.
And yet as it is with our glorious sun, love will never rise before its time...
The ending seems so much simpler and empty in cmparison to the beautifully written opening. Why is the sun not animated by you here?
And yet simulating our glorious sun, love will never climb up before its time...
Well technically "climb up" isn't a good choice of words but it's all I could come up with for now. Personify the rising of love. Give it body. I'd like the ending to be more powerful and ake me go wow.
Great read. thanks
dani
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