Late-Standing Gold Options

[Daniel Barlow]

I'd say I love you presently, that all
the fallen years we bent to share have brought
us symmetry and though I stoop to trace
old dreams, they do not occupy my mind --
but rather, and more fondly, I recall:

the wood bench
where I first saw green
spill out of class and find the daisy,

the river girl --
I watched the water
rise and dip itself in toe.

Autumn's last --
pale sun reposing,
basking in late-standing gold.

I think of them --
but always you were hyacinth,
and loved the cold and said the sun belonged to us.

[merle]

Hi Daniel -

Just a few nits... In the first stanza you used 'bent' and 'stoop' which really stand out and seem repititious, was that your intent? Then you have the 'wood bench', does anyone say wood bench? I usually hear it as 'wooden'. And the 3S, while clever, is disconcerting. However, the rest of the poem is beautifully written with unique visuals on an old theme which keeps it from being boring.

Robin

[Eisa]

Hi Daniel

A beautiful poem!

I agree with Robin about wood bench - I would always say 'wooden'.

I find this line rather wordy for not saying much -

but rather, and more fondly, I recall:

might just be me.

I also wonder if the similar words 'bent' and 'stoop' might have been used for a reason.

It's so good to read your work again.

Snow

[heartsong7]

Hi Daniel,
I'm so glad I decided to look in here and find the delightful surprise of one of your lovely poems.
It's good to know you are still writing and growing. I like where you take this one.

I'd say I love you presently, that all
the fallen years we bent to share have brought
us symmetry and though I stoop to trace
old dreams, they do not occupy my mind --
but rather, and more fondly, I recall:

the wood bench
where I first saw green
spill out of class and find the daisy,

the river girl --
I watched the water
rise and dip itself in toe.

Autumn's last --
pale sun reposing,
basking in late-standing gold.

I think of them --
but always you were hyacinth,
and loved the cold and said the sun belonged to us

re: "bent" and "stoop" I may be misinterpreting, but I see "bent" as applying to the years themselves not the people... as if the "fallen years" are branches that you bend into a symmetry that fits your lives together. then you "stoop" to trace (as in the sand) what could have been.

I would say "wooden bench"
not getting "spill out of class"

I love the final 2 stanzas and most especially that last line.

great to read you again.
please come again.
Sue

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Daniel - so glad Sue just commented as I saw this is 'view new posts' and have very similar thoughts about this poem.

First - it is good to read your poetry again! Welcome back!

Now - my concern is here and I feel its because I do not quite understand the use of the word 'bent'.

I'd say I love you presently, that all
the fallen years we bent to share have brought
us symmetry.

I am thinking you mean it as if the couple 'endured' and as such shared a symmetry. Please do let me know if I'm on the right track and I'll be back again soon!

Love the ending...
~Cleo

[Daniel Barlow]

hey everyone,

thanks for the time and thought, I appreciate that, I apologize for the tardiness, that's due in part to the fact that I'm moving and also because I wanted to see what people said.

Bent is different to stooped in that the one applies to flexibility within the relationship for the good of the relationship whereas the other implies going out of the way to examine something, at least this is the idea.

I can understand the glitch surrounding wood bench, and excuse the pun, but I intend that to be a little choppy, it marks a volta of sorts in that this was originally a sonnet (and still is) that unwinds after the word green. It's reverse looking or something green referring to youth etc etc.

Sorry for the all in one reply. Thanks for the points to consider.

db