Thumbprints Options

[Kimi]

I have taken all critiques seriously and did my best with this poem, with help from a friend. I hope I have been able to take what I have learned and was able to apply it in this poem. I am working on syllable count, showing and not telling, rhyming, discriptions and also words that speak up and down in tone.


Thumbprints


I see His thumbprints everywhere
from azure depths to heaven's stairs.
The rainbow in a blackbird's wing,
horizons with their endless seams;
while prairie flowers sing to me,
with southern breezes wild and free.
With every breath that is released,
all trace of doubt is quickly fleeced.

Kim Rodriguez
June 2010

[Alan]

Dear Kim,

Well, you certainly are a fast learner !

This is very good. Justg a few thought in case you like them, but yours to toss !

I see His thumb-prints everywhere - looks like there is a hyphen due there ?
from azure depths to heaven's stairs.
The rainbow in a blackbird's wing, - blackbird one word
horizons with their endless seams; - seems like a continuance, so ";"
WHILE prairie flowers sing to me, - while carries on the thought ?
with southern breezes wild and free.
With every breath that I release, - that is released - to get the perfect rhyme ?
all trace of doubt is quickly fleeced.

Love
Alan

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Kimi, Wow... what a beautiful and lyrical flowing piece. I love it, it feels very personal and very deep in meaning to me, yet the reader can grasp it very quickly and still get the message. Fantastic job, you are learning very fast, congratulations, this is excellent. I would not change a thing.

Take care
Steve

[merle]

Hi Kimi -

I am so proud of you! I can tell you've put a lot of effort into this one. You've caught on to 'showing' very well, I love the visuals you've portrayed. I especially liked the conclusion and usage of the word 'fleeced'. It clearly shows a shearing away of doubt but it can also indirectly refer to The Lamb (Christ) which reinforces having faith when doubts begin to pop up. My only nit would be in wanting this poem to be longer because I enjoyed it so much.

Robin

[Daniel Barlow]

Hi Kimi,

this is definitely headed in the right direction.

with rhythms there are opportunities to add variations which, when they break from a set rhythm, change the tone.
Something that is all in the same rhythm or note soon becomes familiar and sets a tone that is sometimes less than we are aiming for. This type of rhymed couplet format AA BB CC DD etc, can be lovely and light but it can also lend itself toward lighter poetry. Try enjambment of one thought into another, and ending lines at different places, rather than at the end of every second line. If your rhythm is good enough you can get away with not rhyming at all, or using internal rhyme. I think, as you have it, this poem is a bit list-like where what I'm trying to suggest is that it's possible to write about one thing, another thing and then have that add up to or suggest another, like the rainbow in a black bird's wing. And all the way through, you can do this.

well done though, it's a vast improvement on the last.

db

[Kimi]

Dear Kim,

Well, you certainly are a fast learner !

This is very good. Justg a few thought in case you like them, but yours to toss !

I see His thumb-prints everywhere - looks like there is a hyphen due there ?
from azure depths to heaven's stairs.
The rainbow in a blackbird's wing, - blackbird one word
horizons with their endless seams; - seems like a continuance, so ";"
WHILE prairie flowers sing to me, - while carries on the thought ?
with southern breezes wild and free.
With every breath that I release, - that is released - to get the perfect rhyme ?
all trace of doubt is quickly fleeced.

Love
Alan

Hi Alan -

Thank you very much for the suggestions. I used all of them except for the hyphen in the word 'thumbprints'. I had to look this one up myself.

hugs,
kimi

[Kimi]

HI Steve,
Your comment touched me deeply. Thank you so much for your encouraging words. It means alot to me that you liked it, you have helped me so much in my writing.
I have all of your critiques printed off and use them often.
big hugs
kimi

[Kimi]

Robin,
Your comment made me smile ( really big). Thank you for giving me the self esteem to keep writing. I am sorry I did not make it longer. lol. I would still be writing it.
A big Hug
kimi

[Kimi]

Daniel, I am relieved to hear I am improving, I appreciate your in depth critique. At the moment I am working on the basics. But will tuck this away with my other teachings, and will learn this type of writing. It is overwhelming to see how many styles of writing poetry there are. Thank you so much for taking the time to show me a way to improve.
Hugs
kimi

[Eisa]

Hey Kimi

Excellent writing! You are learning very quickly.

I really enjoyed this one

Snow

Thumbprints


I see His thumbprints everywhere
from azure depths to heaven's stairs.
The rainbow in a blackbird's wing,
horizons with their endless seams;
while prairie flowers sing to me,
with southern breezes wild and free.
With every breath that is released,
all trace of doubt is quickly fleeced.

[Kimi]

Snow
thank you so much for your comment.
Hugs kimi

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Kim,

Nice to read your poetry again - and I agree, you are learning quickly!

I have one nit - just a small one really and that is with this image and stanza:

The rainbow in a blackbird's wing,
horizons with their endless seams;
while prairie flowers sing to me,
with southern breezes wild and free.

I'd like to see you use a something other than 'the' for the rainbow - what kind is it - is it bold, dull, sharp, fading, bright etc.?

The use of the semi-colon is a bit troubling for me - I don;t think followed with the word 'while' works there? They are two completely different images - horizons and flowers singing. I suggest finding a replacement for that word, just like 'the' rainbow' - what kind of flowers, color, are they swaying, standing tall, hiding...

Just some more thoughts to chew on as you wish.

Cheers,
~Cleo

[Kimi]

Thank you so much Cleo for your comments, I like the idea of changing the word before rainbow and will work on that, as far as the semi-colon, I need to grasp the idea of how to use those. I will definately use your critique and learn from it.

hugs
kimi

[Alan]

Dear Kimi,

How about :

Dark rainbow in a blackbird's wing,
horizons with their endless seams;
bright prairie flowers sing to me,
with southern breezes wild and free.

Thus pointing up the contrast betweeen the (literally) dark rainbow on the bird, and the flowers ?

Love
Alan

[Eisa]

Hi Kimi

The more I read this, the more I like it. I see some good suggestions from Alan, just one suggestion from me:

while prairie flowers sing to me,
[with] in southern breezes wild and free.
With every breath that is released,
all trace of doubt is quickly fleeced.

Looking forward to your next one

Snow

[Guest_bombadil1247_*]

Thumbprints

I see His thumbprints everywhere
from azure depths to heaven's stairs.
The rainbow in a blackbird's wing,
horizons with their endless seams;
while prairie flowers sing to me,
with southern breezes wild and free.
With every breath that is released,
all trace of doubt is quickly fleeced.

Kim Rodriguez
June 2010

Hi, Kimi,

Couple of thoughts for you to consider. First, lose the 's' on 'thumbprints' - one creation, one creator. Second, 2 lines from 8 starting with 'with' is very noticeable - how about losing the comma after 'me' (l.5) and start l.6 with 'of' instead. Third, I might look for an alternative to 'fleeced' with its connotations of conmen. if you considered something like 'erased' eg 'by love erased' in place of 'quickly fleeced', then you can open up options for the previous line too 'with every breath exhaled in praise'. Next thing is a bit more tricky. The poem for me lacks cohesion as it stands: the images are fine ones but don't seem 'joined up' at the moment. Lines 3/4 in particular are a bit disjointed for me, perhaps you could find away to link them better, ie put the rainbow over the horizon in some way. A final thought might be to let this grow a little, I don't know how committed you are to 8, 8 syllable lines but perhaps just converting this to a sonnet or a 3-stanza piece might give you that bit more room to develop this in the way it deserves.

Yours to use or lose of course, it is your poem, poet,
Jim