Balboa Summers- modified Options

[anaisa]

Revision- tweaked and chopped ;-)


Balboa skies are deep wisteria
tonight, Tony's bar is set aglow
in strands of light. Beach Boy songs
float honeycombed around the bungalows,
where errant palms wave offerings
beneath pale summer stars. The flow
of tide beyond the pier retrieves a rhythmic
water-tune. Although I never stay until
the restaurants close, or dance inside the bars—
I still remember cigarettes and halter tops,
dampness of an evening chill;
the stinging sunburn from an august day
revealing tenderness, when peeled away.


first one

Balboa skies are deep wisteria
tonight, and Tony's bar is set aglow
in strands of yellow lights. Faint Beach Boy songs
float honeycombed around the bungalows,
where front yard palms wave errant offerings
beneath pale summer stars. The cadenced flow
of tide beyond the pier is sloshing out
a distant, rhythmic water-tune. Although
I never stay until the restaurants
have closed, or dance inside the bars— I still
remember cigarettes and halter tops
inviting dampness of an evening chill.
The stinging sunburn from an August day
and tenderness, when all is peeled away.

[merle]

Hi Karen -

Lovely writing Karen. I think we all look back at our youth with fondness and longing, even the times when we were burned. The only line that threw me was...Although I never stay until the restaurants have closed...it didn't seem to flow like the rest of your poem. In my head I wanted to read it as...Although I never stay until the restaurants close.

Robin

[anaisa]

Hi Robin,

Thanks for reading it, and I'm glad you like it ;-)

The line in question...I guess if you pronounce "rest aurants"
as a 2 syllable word--which most of us do, then your way sounds better.

But I used it like this:

res·tau·rant

and if you drag out the word a little, I think it works.

K

[Alan]

Dear Karen,

Hmmm. Third time through, I got it ! Very fine writing, good sonnet.

Coupla points for you to toss, or ... ?

L3, for some reason strands seems the wrong word, how about strings ? Strands lack continuity, while a string would indicate the horizontal.

L4, Bungalow singular may not be memory-accurate, but the S in this case really spoils the rhyme

L7 sloshing threw me right out of the poem, a harsh sound, with suggestions of being drunk, which, although you may well have been, does not seem to be part of this poem ! How about slopping, which for me also carries resonance of beating ? Oh dear, slopping out also means something else though. Beating out ?

Love
Alan

[Daniel Barlow]

A few thoughts for you to take or toss.

I think this is goodish, though I note the rhyme scheme is a bit odd, and since you mix that up a bit I think there's enough freedom to perhaps reach for more with some of these lines, also, I think there could be a stronger continuity in this piece, or maybe i mean that the phrasing could be more precise. Anything is bold is an area to look at with those things in mind.

Balboa skies are deep wisteria
tonight, and Tony's bar is set aglow
in strands of yellow lights. Faint Beach Boy songs
float honeycombed around the bungalows,
where front yard palms wave errant offerings
beneath pale summer stars. The cadenced flow
of tide beyond the pier is sloshing out
a distant, rhythmic water-tune. Although
I never stay until the restaurants
have closed, or dance inside the bars— I still
remember cigarettes and halter tops
inviting dampness of an evening chill.
The stinging sunburn from an August day
and tenderness, when all is peeled away.

the couplet is good.

db

[anaisa]

Hi Alan,

Thanks for going over it. I sort of took it apart and think I like it better now,
I will repost it and you can have a look. It really was a "cheater sonnet" anyway-
I mean, only every other line rhymed...I was a bit lazy.
Glad you liked it so far.

K

[anaisa]

Hi Daniel,

Thanks for pointing out those things. I did turn it into more of a blank verse,
and will post it in a few days- maybe I will just end up with 2 poems ;-)

K

[anaisa]

okay I chopped this down, and I think I like it better....
Let me know~

[Alan]

Dear Karen,

Yes, very good indeed now, well done on taking the advice that suited you while considering and dropping the rest.

Only one thing puzzles me :

of tide beyond the pier retrieves a rhythmic

do you actually mean

of tide beyond the pier reprises

Definitions of reprise: * verb: repeat an earlier theme of a composition

Love
Alan

[anaisa]

I don't know if retrieves is the correct word, but to "bring back" ...the tide
washes in and delivers with it the sound of waves. Does that make sense?

Dear Karen,

Yes, very good indeed now, well done on taking the advice that suited you while considering and dropping the rest.

Only one thing puzzles me :

of tide beyond the pier retrieves a rhythmic

do you actually mean

of tide beyond the pier reprises

Definitions of reprise: * verb: repeat an earlier theme of a composition

Love
Alan

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Karen, I thought the revision was delightful and it tightened up the piece a lot. I think Alan my be spot on with reprise instead of retrieves, it makes a lot more sense. As far as the subject matter it reminds me of a lot of my younger days down by the ocean, I never was much of a beachboys fan but strange how many of their lyrics I know. The one of theirs I really love is Kokomo. ....you know...lumbago, arthritis, why don't they invite us all to go down to Kokomo...LOL.

Take care
Steve

[Daniel Barlow]

I think that between both versions you are getting it covered.
I liked the original closing couplet because there's more of an emotional impact to those lines as they relate to the nostalgia. They are quite sad and whether that was intentional or not I think it's something that lifts this poem. I liked 'retrieves a rhythmic water tune.

the original was strobger in relation to the light at the bar because at least you had the sense of where the light came from.
And, I like the palms bit, but I think this could be stronger too, it's obvious that the wind causes the palms to move about but I think it's worth exploring some phrasing that will nail that down.

Revision- tweaked and chopped ;-)


Balboa skies are deep wisteria
tonight, Tony's bar is set aglow
in strands of light. Beach Boy songs
float honeycombed around the bungalows,
where errant palms wave offerings
beneath pale summer stars. The flow
of tide beyond the pier retrieves a rhythmic
water-tune. Although I never stay until
the restaurants close, or dance inside the bars—
I still remember cigarettes and halter tops,
dampness of an evening chill;
the stinging sunburn from an august day
revealing tenderness, when peeled away.


first one

Balboa skies are deep wisteria
tonight, and Tony's bar is set aglow
in strands of yellow lights. Faint Beach Boy songs
float honeycombed around the bungalows,
where front yard palms wave errant offerings
beneath pale summer stars. The cadenced flow
of tide beyond the pier is sloshing out
a distant, rhythmic water-tune. Although
I never stay until the restaurants
have closed, or dance inside the bars— I still
remember cigarettes and halter tops
inviting dampness of an evening chill.
The stinging sunburn from an August day
and tenderness, when all is peeled away.

[merle]

Hi Karen -

Sorry for stopping by so late. I like some of the changes but still prefer your original ending. Using the word 'all', in my opinion, is significant. Of course, it's your poem, just my two cents.

Robin

[Eisa]

Hi Karen

Nicely tightened up, but i'm with Daniel and Robin on the last 2 lines. I feel 'all' makes all the difference.

Snow

[anaisa]

Hi Daniel,

Thank you for looking at it. I will do a bit more on it, and get that last line
fixed, and check out the few spots you mentioned.

K

[anaisa]

Hi Eisa,

Thanks for dropping by- missed seeing you for a bit,
glad you are back!
K

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Karen,

Just stopping in to say I enjoyed both versions, but I think the tightening of the revision is an improvement in the imagery.

Balboa skies are deep wisteria
tonight, Tony's bar is set aglow
in strands of light. Beach Boy songs
float honeycombed around the bungalows,
where errant palms wave offerings
beneath pale summer stars. The flow
of tide beyond the pier retrieves a rhythmic
water-tune. Although I never stay until
the restaurants close, or dance inside the bars—
I still remember cigarettes and halter tops,
dampness of an evening chill;
the stinging sunburn from an august day
revealing tenderness, when peeled away.

I've never attempted blank verse form, however, I'll just say I find this format to be less eye-appealing with all the stops and starts bunched together. Perhaps you'll consider adding some white space?

Enjoyed!
~Cleo