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CODE ORANGE, Got to keep on your toes.... |
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Guest_Xanadu_*
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Dec 8 07, 11:13
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Warning!
It`s a heads up.
Stepping to the back door I begin surveillance - fields - ponds - garden.
Scan that copse of maples marking our boundary. Fahid`s place. Saw his big new truck backed up to the barn all day Monday.
Wonder what he`s up to?
I hit the front window. Driveways clear. Look up. Nothing but grackles. Dirty, suspicious birds. Never did like them.
Freshen my coffee - rush back to CNN. Wolfe is at the door.
Code Red now!
I jump to my larder, make a quick check Soup - buckshot - bandades.
All set.
Think I can hold out when push comes to shove, in Iowa.
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Guest_ohsteve_*
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Dec 13 07, 16:06
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Linda... this read ok, but I am afraid that I didn't get the reference you were hinting at..,. was it hunting? Steve
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Guest_Xanadu_*
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Dec 13 07, 16:10
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Guest
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Oh...Steve!
You know....our just about useless terrorists warning system?!
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Guest_ohsteve_*
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Dec 14 07, 08:17
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Guest
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Linda... ah ha...ok makes sense now.... Steve
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Jan 8 08, 16:49
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Ornate Oracle
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 8,958
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting
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Hi Linda! I got your meaning, as well as the irony of it all. Tragicomic, isn't it? And so sad, that it's best to write poetry than to stock up on essentials... Use or lose, Linda:QUOTE (Xanadu @ Dec 8 07, 18:13 ) [snapback]105056[/snapback] Warning!
It`s a heads up.
Stepping to the back door I begin surveillance - fields - ponds - garden.
Scan that copse of maples marking our boundary. Fahid`s place. Saw his big new truck backed up to the barn all day Monday.
Wonder what he`s up to? No nits so far!
I hit the front window. Driveways clear. Look up. Nothing but grackles. Dirty, suspicious birds. Never did like them. Brilliant!
Freshen my coffee - rush back to CNN. Wolfe is at the door. Does 'Wolfe' have double-meaning? Who is Wolfe?
Code Red now!
I jump to my larder, make a quick check Soup - buckshot - bandades. I think it's 'Bandaids' All set.
Think I can hold out when push comes to shove, I don't get 'push comes to shove'... guess I'm dim with the 40ºC we're sweating out in Buenos Aires today...sorry!!!
in Iowa. I like your poem very much, in spite of the horrid realities behind your light verse. But what else can one do, in Iowa or in Buenos Aires? We've had lots of terrorism here, too. Thanks for the read, Linda! Hugs, Sylvia ***
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Mis temas favoritos The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
"There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction."
Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
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Guest_Xanadu_*
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Jan 9 08, 13:14
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Guest
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Thank you for the read Sylvia
Wolfe...refers to Wole Blitzer, CNN. He keeps us all in fear of our lives like a good reporter should.
Push comes to shove, is an old saying referring to a suspected altercation. A colloquialism.
My spell check did not come up with Bandaides. Believe it or not, it wasn`t even written on the box I have stowed in the bathroom! LOL
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Jan 20 08, 16:45
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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Hello Linda,
I enjoyed your poem despite the tragic topic at hand. If you really want to grab the reader, I urge you to consider possinly changing the title and adding more emotion in your character's reactions to get prepared for an attack, IMHO. I really think this poem has more promise if a few more emotional strings were pulled. I'm not certain if you planned to keep this one 'light', but wanted to throw the possibilty out there.
Please see my comments below...Warning! It`s a heads up. (I do not feel this line is necessary as it’s redundant to the opening)Stepping to the back door I begin surveillance - (change to semi-colon or colon)fields - ponds - garden. Scan that copse of maples (Add the ‘I’ to the beginning)marking our boundary. Fahid`s place. Saw his big new truck backed up to the barn all day Monday. Wonder what he’s up to? (Perhaps put this in italics?)I hit the front window. Driveways clear. (Do you mean the driveway is clear, if so, add the apostrophe there)Look up. Nothing but grackles. Dirty, suspicious birds. Never did like them. This stanza is confusing as I’m uncertain where the narrator is, is she/he outside in the yard? In the previous stanza, he/she is at the back door, and now s/he hits the front window? This is an inconsistency that can be easily corrected. Also, I wonder if you might elaborate on why this sudden reaction? Is there a significance to these birds? Maybe you can foreshadow a bit in your opening?Freshen my coffee (Add the ‘I’ to the beginning and add a comma to end of line)rush back to CNN. Wolfe is at the door. (Who is Wolfe?)Code Red now! (Why is it a code red now, something to do with Wolfe? Perhaps put this in italics?)I jump to my larder, make a quick check (add a colon or semi-colon)Soup - (Don’t need to capitalize)buckshot - bandades. All set. (Perhaps put this in italics?)Think I can hold out when push comes to shove, (Comma not necessary here)in Iowa. I understand the preparations here for war, but I think it would be helpful to add something specific about it, maybe if Wolfe is a soldier, you could state his rank – like Private Wolfe is at the door? And then a a few more words at the end after L2, perhaps an L3 about the terrorist warning system?
Overall, I like this poem, you might consider making the reactions the MC takes more dramatic in some way to stress the panic and urgency of a pending attack on her/his soil, just a thought to ponder…
Cheers, ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Guest_Xanadu_*
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Jan 20 08, 17:25
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Guest
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Thank you for the read and comments Cleo.
I will implement your suggestions over the next few days. I am having problems with my computer. So, if I do not get back to it right away it is because I am sitting in front of a blank screen with tears streaming down my face. LOL
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Jan 20 08, 18:09
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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I look forward to seeing any revisions you may make.
I HATE the white screen syndrome, hope it gets resolved soon!
Cheers ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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