Golden Flames, from J.W. von Goethe snippet challenge Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

Golden Flames (slight revision - TY Eisa and Merlin!))

With downcast eyes they do not see
a life once bright, hear the melody
of souls dancing on restored wings
in golden flames, a treasure brings.

If I could give to you, my plea
my love I’d offer endlessly.
By boundless blood, we'd share beliefs
embracing times of joy or grief.

In that sweet dream you’d come to me
on laden twigs of carriage glee.
A harpsichord of newborn life
adorns the fairest face of strife.

I find solace in churchyard sea
where waves of life inspirit me.
In death’s unholy glow there shines
serenity in memories shrines.

With downcast eyes they do not see
a life once bright, hear the melody
of souls dancing on restored wings
in golden flames, a treasure brings.

Copyright © 2004 Lorraine M Kanter

[Merlin]

Hi Cleo,

I have not posted yet, so you are unable to do unto me as I shall be doing unto you.  I expect that will change, however, for the present, feel free to simply tell me where to go right here!

Still in my “getting to know ya” stage, I see that critique is given extensively here, even if it is the gentle page.  I’ll strive for a balancing act.

Firstly, I like the title, both visually and effectively.

In L2, I’d suggest you describe “so”.
L3 – describe “the” (long, short, clipped, soaring, broken, etc)
L4 – “golden flames” would flow better
V1 – leaves me wondering who “they” are; you switch to “I” in V2.


V2L1 – clarity needed (one what?) and punctuation at end?
L3 – inversion for rhyme sake? Tsk tsk.
L4 – “bless” is verb transitive, requires an object.  Gesundheit!

There has been much discussion regarding elisions; some like, some dislike them.  Often they are not required, as the spoken language doesn’t necessarily pronounce all the syllables – chocolate, fer instance, is choc-lat, plain and simple.  No need to hook it at all.  ‘Memories’ could pass without the hook, too.

You present nice imagery, with effective use of devices – subtle alliteration, metaphor, etc.  

There tis.

Merlin

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Cleo,

Firstly, I like the title, both visually and effectively.
Thanks - I just inversed it - so I do hope the meaning is still the same! I alwys try and use something within my poems for the titles, I just think it solidifies them more that way.

In L2, I’d suggest you describe “so”.
Done. I've changed 'so' to 'once'.

L3 – describe “the” (long, short, clipped, soaring, broken, etc)
Here, I've changed 'spirits' to 'souls' and 'the' to restored' - what do you think?

L4 – “golden flames” would flow better
YES - TY! done....

V1 – leaves me wondering who “they” are; you switch to “I” in V2.
This was on purpose.... 'They' refers to non-believers of an after-life.

V2L1 – clarity needed (one what?) and punctuation at end?
I still need work here. One - is the 'moment'...

L3 – inversion for rhyme sake? Tsk tsk.
L4 – “bless” is verb transitive, requires an object.  Gesundheit!
I'll re-visit those two lines.... Thanks!

There has been much discussion regarding elisions; some like, some dislike them.  Often they are not required, as the spoken language doesn’t necessarily pronounce all the syllables – chocolate, fer instance, is choc-lat, plain and simple.  No need to hook it at all.  ‘Memories’ could pass without the hook, too.

You present nice imagery, with effective use of devices – subtle alliteration, metaphor, etc.  

There tis.
Merlin


Thanks very much Eric!
Cheers!
~Cleo

Hi Merlin!

Thanks for stoping in on this one - as you can now see -I've changed the title and made a few adjustments already.  :StarWars1:

Please see my other comments within your quote...

Look forward to reading your works soon!
Cheers.  :cheer:
~Cleo  :pharoah:

[Eisa]

Hi Lori

Another wonderful poem here, full of vibrant imagery.

My thoughts follow much of what Merlin has already said, so I will not repeat them. Only one more thought, is the word `boundless' which I would scan BOUNDless, but you have used the meter the other way round, putting the stress on LESS. I suppose this could be  a variation in accents?

This was a great  read anyway

Snow:D

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Lori

Another wonderful poem here, full of vibrant imagery.

My thoughts follow much of what Merlin has already said, so I will not repeat them. Only one more thought, is the word `boundless' which I would scan BOUNDless, but you have used the meter the other way round, putting the stress on LESS. I suppose this could be  a variation in accents?

This was a great  read anyway

Snow :D

Hi Snow!  :StarWars1:

Thanks for stopping by!

Yes - thanks for your observation also with that line!

I am planning to re-work both those lines:

we’d share our faith by blood boundless
prolonging moments, I would bless.

I almost thought of inverting them but alas - still need a better end rhyme!  :speechless:

By blood boundless, we'd share our faith
prolonging moments _ _ _ ?

Glad you enjoyed!
~Cleo  :pharoah:

[Eisa]

Hi Lori

I'm back again

Just had a thought that might help you problem.

we’d share our faith by blood boundless
prolonging moments, I would bless.

I almost thought of inverting them but alas - still need a better end rhyme!  

By blood boundless, we'd share our faith
prolonging moments _ _ _ ?

If you changed `faith' to `belief' it would be easier to rhyme and you could have something like

"by boundless blood, we'd share beliefs
embracing times of joy or grief"

Hope this might help


Snow

[Cleo_Serapis]

Thanks Snow!

I like your idea - and I've also revamped S2L1 also...
Cheers!
~Cleo