Claymore Dawn, Rhyming, war sketch Options

[Thoth]

(There is an explanaton at the end)
Claymore Dawn
Walk soft upon this crumbling valley floor my Friends

So break you not a single brittle twig
lest crickets feel your step and cease their song
speak not a whisper as the sunset dies
but blend into the valley bush
beneath the amber skies

Scent well and feel the texture of the air
seek out a path between the searching thorns
inhale the noises of the coming night
and place each steady silent step
without the use of sight

Now find the place that's chosen for the kill
to set your deadly trap with practiced care
this gentle trail between the rocky hills
shall soon become the road that leads
into the Devils lair

Then lie and let the spirits of the trees
wash gently through your aching lonely soul
till all your thoughts are but a single wish
and bold Orion's chased by Mars
across a sky of coal

Then ping! - your sense awakes you from your bliss
an evil coming silent through the dark
and chilly air that wets the grass with dew
you feel the shadowed presence more
than see a ghostly hue

Silent scuff, unheard, a glint of steel
beneath the paling stars that flee the morn
you tense and slip the oiled safety catch
to "fire", and aim the guns into
the embryonic dawn

A blinding flash of light that blasts and shreds
the night apart with thunder flame and steel
and echoes with the rifle cracks then rolls
across the cowered bush and back
between the startled hills

An amber comet streaking up then bursts
intruding flood of pseudo sunlight swings
upon on a spiral tail of cloud and shows
a naked scene of smoke and dust
and broken, nameless things

Some cries and groans emit from writhing forms
but mostly still lie bodies on that trail
and all grow cold as sunlight shines once more
upon your icy heart that bleeds
onto this valley floor

Step even softer now my trusted Friends of old

As Time persistent in its endless march
re-walks those faded trails of years ago
to wake once more within your troubled mind
the images that you had thought
were long since left behind . . .

----------------------------------------------------
Notes:
Sketch of an incident from the Rhodesian war - Circa, February 1976
Location:
Escarpment zone of the Zambezi Valley near Centenary (north of Salisbury, Rhodesia)
Unit:
A territorial tracker stick of the Selous Scouts
Mission:
To detect & intercept terrorist support columns entering the country from Zambia.
------

The stick moves with extreme stealth into the ambush location after sundown to avoid detection by locals.

The "walk in" enables the men to orientate themselves and become familiar with their surroundings so their senses are sharpened.

The ambush location is reached. Claymore shrapnel mines are set and the men take up their firing positions around the "killing ground".

The long night vigil begins. No guard is posted, so every man must remain alert. Thoughts of home and loved ones dominate this lonely time. The movement of the stars and planets is the only clock.

It seems ironic that Mars the God of war is dominant in the In the heavens.

Acute sense warns the men that danger lurks as the enemy group approaches. Adrenalin flows as eyes strain to glimpse the target in the dark before the dawn.

The terrorists enter the killing ground and although they move with care, are completely unaware of the pending attack.

The stick leader detonates the claymores. The concussion and shrapnel decimates terrorist column. Rifle fire completes the job.

An "Icarus" parachute flare is fired to illuminate the battleground, but there is no resistance. The ambush was brutally efficient.

As a precaution, no-one will move position until daylight when the tracking stick will vanish into the bush. Later on "Fire-force" will arrive to clean up. By then the wounded will have died.

There are no survivors, and offically no-one knows the group responsible for the massacre. It is blambed on a rival terrorist group in order to create dissention and suspicion within the enemy ranks.

In the years that follow the war, the trackers will try to forget all the killing, and live normal lives.

Though they never speak openly of this, the horror will stay with them to the grave.
- - - -
Hope this explains. Wally

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Wally,

I'm just closing this topic until tomorrow as you have already posted a new poem in this forum just yesterday. You need to give 2 crits, wait 2 days then rinse and repeat.

Thanks!
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Thanks for the reminder Wally - sorry abou that!

This topic now open for critiques.

Cheers
~Cleo

[Thoth]

Is anyone prepared to help me with this one ? -- Pleeeeze!

Wally

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Wally,

I'll print this one out and get back to you later (I'm at work all day) but will comment when I can.

Stay tuned!
~Cleo

[Michelle]

Hi Wally, really good to meet me. I think your poem is incredible. The message and rhythm go together very well and I think this is a story that needs to be told. I will be back with more, but I just wanted to stop in to note that your rhyme scheme goes awol after the first two stanzas. I would start there and keep they rhyming lines consistant.

More later.

my best to you,

Michelle

[Thoth]

Hi Wally, really good to meet me. I think your poem is incredible. The message and rhythm go together very well and I think this is a story that needs to be told. I will be back with more, but I just wanted to stop in to note that your rhyme scheme goes awol after the first two stanzas. I would start there and keep they rhyming lines consistant.

More later.

my best to you,

Michelle

Thanks Michelle,
Yes the matching rhyme for the last line varies. This is the way it came out origionally, all in a rush, and I have not done any editing on it, and not shown it to many people. It has been an emotionally traumatic poem for me, bringing up surpressed memories from the distant past. (There are actually a series of four) I think I am able to deal with it now, but am still a little sensitive, so if you think this one is worth polishing, I will give it a try.

Wally

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Wally,

I'm back with a partial critique of the first 4 stanzas to start, as I want to clarify that you are keen on the suggested changes I've offered below, re: narration changes. Let me know, so I can adjust (if need be) my further comments. I see you are using a 10/10/10/8/6 format, but your rhyming pattern varies from stanza to stanza. I’ll offer suggestions in keeping with the meter but will also suggest alternates to keep the rhyming pattern consistent in L3 & L5. I’m not fond of starting a line (or a poem) with the word ‘So’ or using too many inversions. In my suggestions below, I have taken the approach of a narrator, like a reporter in the field, telling us the soldier’s story. I’m not certain if you are keen on this suggestion, so please let me know. As always, take or toss as you wish:


So break you not a single brittle twig
lest crickets feel your step and cease their song
speak not a whisper as the sunset dies
but blend into valley bush
beneath the amber skies
Alternate idea:
A silent soldier heeds a brittle twig
lest crickets find his step and cease their song;
speak not a whisper as the sunset dies
and mingles into valley bush
beneath these amber skies.

Scent well and feel the texture of the air
seek out a path between the searching thorns *thorns don’t search, the soldiers do.
inhale the noises of the coming night
and place each steady silent step
without the use of sight
Alternate idea:
He scents and senses textures in the air,
seeks out a path between the prickly thorns,
inhales the noises of the coming night
and places steady, silent steps
foregoing use of sight.

Now find the place that's chosen for the kill
to set your deadly trap with practiced care
this gentle trail between the rocky hills
shall soon become the road that leads
into the Devils lair
Alternate idea (rhyme scheme changes included):
To find the place that's chosen for the kill
sits 'tween these rocky hills and gentle trail --
he sets his deadly trap with practiced care
that shall become the road that leads
into the Devil’s lair…

Then lie and let the spirits of the trees
wash gently through your aching lonely soul
till all your thoughts are but a single wish
and bold Orion's chased by Mars
across a sky of coal
Alternate idea (rhyme scheme changes included):
He lies among the spirits of the trees
until his thoughts are but a single wish
that gently cleanse his lonely, aching soul;
as bold Orion's chased by Mars
across a sky of coal.

I'll be back again once you've replied!

Cheers
~Cleo

[Thoth]

Hi Cleo,

Thanks a mil for taking the time to do this crit,
That was a lot of work you put in, and it has given me many ideas.
Let me explain how this poem works;


The story is told in the second person (is that right?), the narrator to the reader as a reminiscence. It puts the reader in the position of one of the soldiers, describing his experience.


The intro line is very important, and is enjambed to the first line, So perhaps I should include it in the verse?
So is the the coupling line before the last verse. Both are heptameter, and match the tet/tri lines in the verses


I want to keep the iambic form exactly as is, but fix up the bad bits like the variation of ryming lines, too many "the"s
punctuation, etc. (My grammar is shocking) Reversed speech is sometimes used to get the accent on the correct word.


I have begun to edit a bit as follows, but due to other commitments this week it will be a bit slow.


Hugs, Wally





"Walk soft upon this crumbling valley floor my friends. (7) (An old army saying advising discretion "Tread softly friend, lest you . . . "


That you break not a single brittle twig, (5) (Try to get all the keywords to fall on an accent))
lest crickets feel your step and cease their song. (5) (Crickets feel vibration in the ground, and will stop-
Speak not a whisper as the sunset dies (5a) singing, to alert that an intruder is approaching)
but blend into Zambezi the valley bush, (4) (the act of camouflage is a blend - not a mingle)
beneath her the amber skies." (3a) ( splits the hept line up)


Scent well and feel the texture of the air
seek out a path between the searching thorns (Believe me, those thorns do search you out)
inhale the (soft?) noises of the coming night (and remember it is almost dark)
and place each steady silent step
without the use of sight

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Wally,

OK, I'll ponder a bit more and return...

Cheers
~Cleo