 stars (revision), lanturne |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Short Form Poetry -> Shogun's Psalms  |
 Jun 27 07, 06:45
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#1
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori  |
My haiku about stars didn't work out, so I thought I'd try something similar in a lanturne
REVISION 2 (July 2nd) stars spangle as cloudless sky turns cobalt night ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ REVISION 1 stars spangle a cloudless night of cobalt sky ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ORIGINAL stars jewel cobalt sky on a cloudless night ·······  ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner            |
  
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Jun 28 07, 15:35
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#2
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 Ornate Oracle  Posts: 18,591 Joined: 2-August 03 From: Southwest New Jersey, USA Member No.: 6 Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr. Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Greetings, Snow. It's wonderful to see this short form section now a reality! YAY! And I'm glad to see you working in lanturne. It's such a simple but wonderfully wide open medium for possibilities!
I actually like both versions of your poem, and I see that you've made revision even before comments. I can't tell you how many times I've done that! I think I only have one possible suggestion? QUOTE (Eisa @ Jun 27 07, 07:45 )  REVISION stars spangle a cloudless night of cobalt skies sky of cobalt night or night of cobalt sky twinklin' Lightly, Daniel 
······· ·······Slow down; things will go faster!
MM Award Winner    |
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| Guest_Rosemerta_* |
Jul 1 07, 14:49
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#3
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Greetings, Eisa...
...and a big Huzzah! This was wonderfully well done. I love poems that form a visual layout as well as one within the mind. You rock!  ~~Jackie |
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Jul 1 07, 17:24
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#4
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 Ornate Oracle Posts: 3,822 Joined: 3-August 03 From: Florida Member No.: 10 Real Name: Elizabeth Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori Kanter |
QUOTE stars spangle a cloudless night of cobalt skies Hi Snow, There is such a calmness to this Lanturne. I myself, haven't yet tried one but I like how this builds up. I am unfamliar with the params on it, I gather it is by syllable - L1: 1 syl L2: 2 syl L3: 3 syl L4: 4 syl L5: 1 syl Does each line have to be a specific type of word, as I know some forms call from a noun in one specified line, and a verb elsewhere. I will take a quick look at the thread here in Karnak after a brief Cheers on your very brilliant description of a starry night. QUOTE stars spangle Although I know you reside in the UK, this brought back a warm feeling for me when I was younger, and our summer nights, brilliant with stars while sitting on bleechers at a baseball game and singing the star spangled banner flooded my mind with these two simple words. QUOTE a cloudless I keep wanting to say as cloudless - QUOTE night of cobalt skies A possibilty might be ... as cloudless skies turn colbalt night Big Hugs, Liz ······· ·······Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!
MM Award Winner |
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Jul 2 07, 03:17
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#5
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Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Thanks Daniel
I did wonder about the use of 'skies' -- well there is only one sky! I'll tweak that now. Yes ... I think when you have freshly written something, you're sometimes urged to revise before you have replies. Thanks Snow 
······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Jul 2 07, 03:21
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#6
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Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Hi Liz
"Although I know you reside in the UK, this brought back a warm feeling for me when I was younger, and our summer nights, brilliant with stars while sitting on bleechers at a baseball game and singing the star spangled banner flooded my mind with these two simple words". Aw ... that's a nice thought! I like your suggestion Liz, which twists the meaning slightly ... nice! Hugs Snow
······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
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