test-tube baby, senryu Options

[Eisa]

Another one that's been in Herme's

revision

the test-tube baby
brings a mother untold joy;
father's unaware


test-tube baby
brings mother untold joy;
father's unaware

[laryalee]

Snow, I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry...
this is priceless!
And what a comment on today's modern science.

I think this could be smoother, but I don't have
any specific suggestions right now...
Will think more about it, and others may have some
ideas.


Lary

[Eisa]

Snow, I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry...
this is priceless!
And what a comment on today's modern science.

I think this could be smoother, but I don't have
any specific suggestions right now...
Will think more about it, and others may have some
ideas.


Lary

Thanks Lary -- I'll think on how to smooth it out too. I've changed the last line to 'father's unaware' instead of 'father is unaware' as this seems to help the ending.

Snow

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi SNow.

I remember this one! Cool! I have two ideas for you:

test-tube baby
brings mother untold joy;
father's unaware

brings mother [cryptic] joy
Do you mean untold as in obscure or limitless???
If ‘obscure, then I suggest ‘cryptic, veiled, secluded, secreted’

Suggest ‘unacquainted’ for ‘unaware’

Looking forward to the replies!
~Cleo

[Eisa]

Hi SNow.

I remember this one! Cool! I have two ideas for you:

test-tube baby
brings mother untold joy;
father's unaware

brings mother [cryptic] joy
Do you mean untold as in obscure or limitless???
If ‘obscure, then I suggest ‘cryptic, veiled, secluded, secreted’

Suggest ‘unacquainted’ for ‘unaware’

Looking forward to the replies!
~Cleo

Hi Lori

untold joy -- I really meant limitless joy... beyond description. I also thought it might hint atithe birth not being told to the father.

unaquainted -- that's good one, gives a different angle to think on.

Thanks Lori

Snow

[Cleo_Serapis]

Cool!

Ok - in that case, I was thinking on 'unbound' for limitless and it could still hint at the father not knowing since mum isn't bound to him.....

So - i guess my question is: is this a Senryu since it's about people?

~Cleo

[AMETHYST]

Hey Snow,

Yes this one is strong. I prefer unaware, as with artificial insemination, poss through a sperm bank, the father is merely a donor and is never aware, but also, the word unaware links me back to line 2, of unaware of the joy that he might miss out on, then also, the joy that he unknowingly has brought to another - the depth is endless and yet, profound. When I read 'untold' I immediately thought of how the donor is often anonymous, and the traits, background ... all those delicious things we wonder about when pregnant, will he have his eyes? Will she have her mother's dimples? A pug nose or straight nose? ... blond hair, or brown ... All these wonders are 'untold' to the mother, for she the child's appearence will be a surprise, more so than if she was aware of the traits and looks of the father. Unbound, also worked for me, as it still kept these thoughts in my mind, but linked it also to the boundless joy of giving birth, especially when you believed it might have been impossible.

This one, regardless of word choices is certainly a keeper...

Hugs, Liz

test-tube baby
brings mother untold joy;
father's unaware

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Snow, I like 'untold' because she hasn't told the father. He isn't there to be told.

There is an aha; it slowly dawns, and brings a prickle as the implications take shape.

test-tube baby
brings mother untold joy;
father's unaware

But 'test tube baby' is a fragment, and so is 'father's unaware.'

'the test-tube baby' fixes that. That's the phrase. ie 'the test-tube baby brings mother untold joy' Maybe 'a' mother would help. That focusses it on one particular mother.

You have juxtaposed 'mother' with 'father' and 'untold' with 'unaware.'

Well done.

[Eisa]

Cool!

Ok - in that case, I was thinking on 'unbound' for limitless and it could still hint at the father not knowing since mum isn't bound to him.....

So - i guess my question is: is this a Senryu since it's about people?

~Cleo

unbound is good, I like boundless too ... but I'm not sure whether it fills my intent completely.

Yes, this is a senryu, Lori.

Thanks for offering some words to ponder.

Snow

[Eisa]

Hi Liz -- it's good to see you here.

Yes, I think I'll stick with unaware -- I've gone through a lot of alternatives in my mind, but none seem to fit quite so well.

I am considering bounless for line 2 -- although I don't think it covers as many possibilities in interpretation as untold.

Thanks Liz

Snow

[Eisa]

Snow, I like 'untold' because she has told the father. He isn't there to be told.

There is an aha; it slowly dawns, and brings a prickle as the implications take shape.

test-tube baby
brings mother untold joy;
father's unaware

But 'test tube baby' is a fragment, and so is 'father's unaware.'

'the test-tube baby' fixes that. That's the phrase. ie 'the test-tube baby brings mother untold joy' Maybe 'a' mother would help. That focusses it on one particular mother.

You have juxtaposed 'mother' with 'father' and 'untold' with 'unaware.'

Well done.

Hi Kathy

I have given this much thought -- and now you have convinced me to keep 'untold' and 'unaware' as I feel they do convey my meaning well.

I did wonder whether I should have put 'the test-tube baby' It does sound smoother.

the test-tube baby
brings a mother untold joy;
father's unaware

This is it then -- thanks Kathy.

Snow