Desert Heat (Revised Aug 13) Options

[Guest_Gregory_*]

Revision: Aug 13

Desert Heat.

Namibian Elephants,
stomp, hopelessly, seeking vegetation,
around rocks skull-shaped by the wind.

There is no shape, merely the suggestion of one.

Kangaroo’s dig under coolibah shade
licking vessel-veined forearms, unmoving in the bake.

There is no shade, merely a lack of radiance.

Sahara desert fox cubs play at night listening to
toads, dodging scorpion.

There is no respite, merely a lack of heat.

South American Gwanakos eat where they can,
sipping sea water spray that alights like dew on swaro stems
that grow round as they suck the juice of heaven from sub-fecunded soil.

There is no growth, merely a build up of fluid.

Long tongued bats sip nectar from bellongated flowers,
seeds lie for the right tri-decade to taste their blossoming.

There is no barrenness, merely the illusion of time.

On ravines, arches, spas and pinnacles, red bellied lizard
with blue face and yellow arms, red tail whip-jump
jackinaboxes to snap a black fly, turns a sault in summer.

There is no motion, merely the representation of survival.

Death’s Valley sparkles yellow buttercup, deepening to violet orchid
until sand takes over.
Locusts, masters of free flow, flying on the pressure waves of winds
consuming, consuming, like blizzard snow, consuming then gone.

There is no design, merely the appearance of one.



Original:
How to use or avoid the desert heat.

Namibian Elephants, toughest in Africa,
stomp the sands seeking vegetation, hopelessly,
fifty miles a day, around the wind-sculptured skull rocks.

Kangaroo’s dig into the cooler sub-soil under the coolibah shade
licking their vessel-veined forearms, unmoving in the bake
bemoaning the end of the dreaming.

Desert fox cubs play at night in the Sahara listening to
toads who’s permeable skin drinks, and dodge water-tight shelled scorpion.

Gwanakos in the South American desert eat where they can,
sipping sea water spray that alights like dew on swaro stems
that grow round as they suck the juice of heaven from sub-fecunded soil.

Long tongued bats sip the nectar from the bellongated flower whose
seed lay for 30 years to taste its blossoming.
On ravines, arches, spas and pinnacles, red bellied lizard
with blue face and yellow arms, red tail whip-jump
jackinaboxes to snap a black fly, turns a sault in summer.

Death’s Valley sparkles yellow buttercup, deepening to violet orchid
until sand takes over.
Locusts, masters of free flow, flying on the pressure waves of winds
consuming, consuming, like blizzard snow, consuming then gone.

There is no design, merely the appearance of one.

This post has been edited by Cleo_Serapis: Aug 13 06, 05:35

[JustDaniel]

Greetings again, Gregory...

I must confess that I am still but a novice with FV, so I don't quite know how to treat this treatise. There is a bit of lyrical flow to it, but it feels to me somewhere between verse and prose, so I'll be looking with great interest at others' responses. This is by no means a criticism of your obviously fine research, which I greatly admire and appreciate, but is more in the nature of a query as to the nature and style of this particular writing. I'm simply here to learn, and I expect to do so.

I can only suggest minor nits with S2L1 ~"kangaroos" S3L2 ~"whose" and a few hyphenated and not-hyphenated words, which seem often to be a matter of personal choice among writers. Your title is a thought-provoker [ It isn't really answered in the piece. ], and I'm not sure that I'd personally agree with your conclusion in the last line... but that too is a thought-provoker... so it works. I also like your "sault in summer"

deLighting in a short exchange for now, Daniel

[Guest_Gregory_*]

Hey Daniel, that's a good question. What is this style? Actually I don't rightly know myself having just come up with it. It does read a little like a list, and that last line, as you have rightly pointed out, does have a smattering of polemnic about it. I will think about universalising it through opposition, or discard it all together. Probably the latter. I have to confess the research was not mine but David Attenborough's (much admired) who narrated his wisdom in a programme called "Planet Earth". I listed all the amazing creatures and visions of nature as a poetic stream and then threaded them together. I must confess a bit of laziness about this poem, I really whacked it together when I could do a great deal more with it on hindsight. The poem is essentially free form, but the nature of free form is hard to categorise, especially as poetry is currently moving toward long narratives in prose form being developed through poetic mediums, like free form. I'm not sure its not the other way round too, it seems to be a mystery of an emerging style. I really believe in tightening the poem as if you were wringing the meaning out of a spunge, without losing your flow. This poem I will wring, I assure you. There is poetic merit to be gained from this work, but as you have so subtly intonated, it is merely journalistic at the moment. The prose outways the poetry, this is true, but the content is better described that way, just what the poem itself is demonstrating, well, like you saw, the title doesn't cover. I will do a little more work on revealing the poetic meaning of that last line, but throughout the poem instead. Thank you Daniel, you have helped clear my fuddle. Sincerely Gregory

[Eisa]

Hi Gregory -- and welcome again!

It is very good to read your work. This is a very interesting piece, but I have to agree with Daniel's thoughts that this is very prose-like. You could keep it this way as prose, or with some reworking, make it more poetic. I'll make some suggestions for the 1st stanza to show you what I mean.


Tough Namibian Elephants,
stomp the sands of Africa --
a hopeless search for vegetation,
around wind- sculptured rocks.


I look forward to seeing where you decide to go with this.

Snow

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Gregory.

I echo what Daniel and Snow have said that this reads very much like prose at the moment. Perhaps some poetic devices such as assonance and alliteration along with shortened lines might sculpt this one more to the poetic side?

As for your title, I suggest 'Desert Heat' for simplicity.

Following Snow's lead, here is an idea for S2:

Licking vessel-veined forearms,
Kangaroos search sub-soil coolness
under coolabahs shade;
baking and bemoaning an end to dreaming.

I'll await your response before making further comments.

Cheers
~Cleo

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Gregory

I can only echo what the others have said and make a suggestion for verse 3

Desert fox cubs play in Sahara night,
dodging water-tight shelled scorpion,
toads drink through permeable skin.

Nina

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Gregory.

I've edited in your revised posting in the top of this thread. In our forum participation rules here in Seren's Synapse:
http://forums.mosaicmusings.net/index.php?act=SR&f=51
we ask everyone to post their REVISIONS at the top of their original post and add date revised so that we can see the changes in each other's work and offer extended feedback.

Could you kindly also let us know your feedback on the replies you've already received here?

Thank you.
~Cleo

[Guest_Gregory_*]

Cleo, I must admidt I thought I had sent a reply, a lengthy one, but it doesn't seem to have made it. I will try to remember what I wrote, but I guess it will have to be a bit different. My apologies. I did thank you all for your thoughts, it helped me to crop the poem and make something else out of it. Nina, i liked what you did to S3, thank you, and you too Cleo, i worked on the formula that was obviously being presented to me by everyone, crop, and so i did, and I think it works much better. Cleo, spot on about the title, it works well. Sorry about the posting mix-up. I shall post as you suggest in the future for revisions. I'm still finding my feet around the forum protocols. Thanks for all your suggestions. Cheers, Gregory

[Cleo_Serapis]

Cleo, I must admidt I thought I had sent a reply, a lengthy one, but it doesn't seem to have made it. I will try to remember what I wrote, but I guess it will have to be a bit different. My apologies. I did thank you all for your thoughts, it helped me to crop the poem and make something else out of it. Nina, i liked what you did to S3, thank you, and you too Cleo, i worked on the formula that was obviously being presented to me by everyone, crop, and so i did, and I think it works much better. Cleo, spot on about the title, it works well. Sorry about the posting mix-up. I shall post as you suggest in the future for revisions. I'm still finding my feet around the forum protocols. Thanks for all your suggestions. Cheers, Gregory

Hi Gregory.
Thanks for getting back to me. I hate when that happens (if you post and the come along and steal it)!

Glad you liked my title suggestion and thanks for the note on future revisions to your work(s).

Cheers
~Cleo

[Cyn]

I love the conceit you have employed with the italisized stand alone lines. This IMO now makes this a very wonderful poem and less prosey.

[Eisa]

Hi Gregory

I agree with Cyn -- I do like the italicized lines. This is becoming much less prosey. You could if you wish trim it back further. You have done a goood job. Great read.

Snow

[Guest_Gregory_*]

Cyn and Eisa, thank you for commenting on the revised version. I thought that the first version really lacked that poetic tightness, and Eisa, you are probably right, this might need more. The last line of the original seemed tacked on but to imply some development, so I interspersed the conceit with the idea that the last line was pointing to. I am glad to get all your responses to this poem, it certaintly turned out differently to my expectation. Gregory

[JustDaniel]

I've watched as a learner, as I promised. I think I see where you're going, so I will practice FV with you. That's all I'm doing, my friend, so please do not see this as "suggestions" but merely my own playing with your words -- workshopping your poem. I'm very much in a learning mode:

Revision: Aug 13

Desert Heat(.) [ Title improved, methinks ]

Namibian Elephants,
stomp(,) hopelessly, seeking for vegetation,
around rocks skull-shaped by the wind.[..]

There is no shape, merely the suggestion of one.

Kangaroo(’)s dig under beneath coolibah shade
licking vessel-veined forearms, unmoving in the bake.[..]

There is no shade, merely a lack of radiance.

Sahara desert fox cubs play at night listening to
to toads, dodging scorpion.[..]

There is no respite, merely a lack of lessened heat.

South American Gwanakos eat where they can, survive
sipping sea water spray that [line break]
alighting like dew on swaro stems
that grow round as they suck the juice [line break]
of heaven from sub-fecunded soil.[..]

There is no growth, merely a build[-]up of fluid.

Long[-]tongued bats sip [line break]
nectar from bellongated flowers,
seeds lie for the right tri-decade [line break]
to taste their blossoming.[..]

There is no barrenness, merely the illusion of time.

On ravines, arches, spas[,] and pinnacles,[line break]
red bellied lizard with blue face and yellow arms, [line break]
red tail whip-jump jackinaboxes [line break]
to snap a black fly, turns a sault [line break]
in summer.[..]

There is no motion, merely the representation of survival.
[ though I am not sure that I understand 'no motion' ? ]

Death’s Valley sparkles yellow buttercup(,) [line break]
deepening to violet orchid
until sand takes over.
Locusts, masters of free flow, [line break]
flying on the pressure waves of winds
consuming, consuming, like blizzard snow,
consuming[b][,] then gone.[..]

There is no design, merely the appearance of one.

Again, Gregory, I'm not a teacher here. I'm practicing using your poem. I hope that you don't mind my trying to learn along with the others in your workshop.

deLighting in the process, Daniel

[Guest_Gregory_*]

Daniel, no need to apologise for a crit, you crit well. I learned a bit about line endings from your post. I have been a bit lazy and neglected the niceties of line placement and so I'm a bit of a novice at them. I like the format you showed me. One thing that still troubles me about this poem is its lack of flow, mainly because it didn't start life as a poem but as a streamed list. You certaintly help to bring flow into the poem by discarding the "There is..." in the italicised phrases, but I am not yet convinced of the overall flow of the poem. The Kangaroos were initially digging the cooler sub-soil beneath the koolibah trees, and I cut the meaning of this in the revision. Your revision has spruced it up, thank you, I love a good workshop. I am going to give the title a bit of a think. I don't think I've ever come at a poem so backwardly, but it makes a change. I will give it a bit of time before I make for the final revision. I am so glad to have everyone give so much time to, I think, a relatively weak piece. Thank you again for your most helpful suggestions. Cheers Gregory

[JustDaniel]

Thanks for that feedback about my feedback, Gregory...

but please keep in mind that I'm still but a novice on this side of the village. I'm here to learn by practicing on your and others' work. It's free, and the interplay is most instructive!

deLighting in the process, Daniel

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

I was stationed in Libya and remember that it used to get so hot the asphalt tar would start melting under out feet and we had to stand in the shade of aircraft wings, take salt tablets, this poem brings back all those memeories..
Steve