Spring Morning (Revision 2- 23 May), free verse Options

[Maggie]

Spring Morning (Revision 2)

Spring's sweeping breeze
and sparkle of sunlight
chase away dreary mist
by mid-morning.

In winter flannel
I step out
to greet a glorious day.

Startled, the ebony crow
departs from his perch
in my snowy white dogwood.
A pair of gray squirrels scurry
up twin water oaks
as robins and sparrows
flutter to neighboring yards.

Two male cardinals fight in flight
over the favors
of a demurely waiting female.
Their air battle
of steep climbs and dives
is as fiercely fought
as one of the Red Baron's himself.

After seeing the victor claim his mate,
I sigh, step back inside,
and open blinds and windows
welcoming a warm, fragrant breeze and brilliant sunlight
into my dark and stuffy winter's den.




Spring Morning (Revision1)

Sweeping spring breezes
and sparkling sunlight
chased awa

[Orion]

Hello Peggy,

I enjoyed your descriptive writing this morning. My coffee pot is singing right now as I await my first cup. Birds outside are calling me to visit our front porch this AM. Your scene is quite like mine; however, our pine pollen is still in active swing! If windows were opened, I'd have to spend 2 days getting "the yellow" off of everything! haha

Enjoyed your poem.
Jan

[Guest_walrus_*]

Beautifully description but a little too telly for my tastes. Nice all the same, enjoyed the read.

walrus

[Maggie]

Hi Jan and walrus,

I appreciate you reading and commenting! I'm glad you like the poem!

Peggy

[Cleo_Serapis]

HI Peggy,

I'd really like to see more show and less tell (and I know you can do it, I've seen it in other poems). As a reader, I want to be transported to another place, and want to fill in the gaps in my own space and time. I like to be teased a bit more, with action sequences and metaphors. If I take a look at the beginning:

I slept late this morning-
late enough for April’s misty rain and fog
to blow away.
Took my coffee onto the front porch.

You've told me everything, leaving me nothing (as the reader) to imagine on my own. If you changed it up a bit, perhaps you could leave more to our imaginations? Instead of saying: I slept late, try something like:

The breath of rain
whispered away mid-morning
as she streched her legs.
I awakened, the aroma of java
tempting me to the porch (can find other words to use).

My arrival startled the crow
who visits my dogwood.
Then two squirrels hurriedly scurried up the water oaks.
Robins and sparrows moved to neighboring yards.

The dogwood lets go of crow
whose morning trysts
parallel fleeing crimson and ebon;
two spooked grays scuttle
up the oak in a repartee.

Do you see what I'm demonstrating Peggy? Can you try and give the first two stanzas a do-over to leave things a bit more showy?

I'll be back!
~Cleo

[Peterpan]

Hello Peggy~

I loved your poem. It is a bit prosey, but, I think Spring is allowed to be prosey. ONE CANT SAY ENOUGH! We felt like were were there with you, on your waking and on the patio, observing courting nature.

We go into Autumn here now and I am so envious of you embarking on Spring! But I suppose you have had a long cold Winter.

Thank you for sharing this.

Peterpan

[Maggie]

Hi cleo,

Thanks for your suggestions! I think it's too prosy too. I love your re-write!! I'll get rid of the "I" and see what I can do to "flower it up."

Hi Peter Pan,

Thanks for your opinion!! I think it's too prosy too!

I think you're lucky to be going into autumn because I like autumn even better than spring!

Again thank you both for your time and attention!!!!

Peggy

[Eisa]

Hi Peggy

I love spring poems and this one is shaping up very well.
A few thoughts ~

[ ] delete

Sweeping spring breezes
and sparkling sunlight
chased away the mist [and fog]
by mid-morning today.

Mist is just light fog, so really one cancells the other out imo.

With steaming coffee in hand,
I stepped out
[to] greeting the glorious day.

Startled, the ebony crow
departed from his perch
in the snowy white dogwood.
Two grey squirrels scurried
up the oaks
as robins and sparrows
flew to neighboring yards.

Two male cardinals were having an air fight
I think at this point a description of the fight might add interest for the reader
over the favors of a female
[who was] waiting demurely in the tree.
Their air battle was as fiercely fought
as one of the Red Baron’s himself.
From further away in the cul-de-sac
came the “chirps” and “tweets” and “poor Wills”
of the onlookers.

[After] The victor claimed his mate
I stepped back in-
opening the blinds and windows
to welcome Spring’s sights and sounds
inside too.
Perhaps here - describe the sights, sounds & smells, to share with the reader

I hope something helps

Snow

[Maggie]

Hi Eisa,

Thank you for working with my poem!! I appreciate it!! Thanks for the interesting and thought provoking suggestions too! I am mulling them over at the moment.

Have a nice day!!

Peggy

[AMETHYST]

Hi Peggy,

I enjoyed many of the images and perspectives of this poem. It is slightly prosaic, but with some minor shifting and weeding of words, you might find more active diction to enhance it and bring out the lovely poetry that it beholds.

Some thoughts to follow and please use what you find useful and discard the rest.

I quite enjoyed this and look forward to more of your work.

Best wishes, Liz

Spring Morning (Revision1)

Sweeping spring breezes
and sparkling sunlight
chased away the mist and fog
by mid-morning today.

As a thought, making use of present tense verbs would create a more immediate image and there fore, become more active. I would also suggest omitting 'and fog' from line 3 and perhaps making it more focused on the moment so that you might omit "today' in L4.

It would read as so ..

A sweeping spring breeze
and sparkle of sunlight
chase away the mist
by mid-morning.


These changes create an immediate scene and automatically give the sense of today without having to tell the reader this.

With coffee in hand,
I stepped out
to greet the glorious day.

Perhaps just switching some lines here will also create that sense of it happening to grab the readers attention (as in the first stanza,) and then keep it held.

I step out,
with coffee in hand
to greet a glorious day.

Startled, the ebony crow
departed his perch
in the snowy white dogwood.
Two grey squirrels scurried
up the oaks
as robins and sparrows
flew to neighboring yards.

Again, making use of your verbs in present tense helps to add movement to the images.
Such as;

Startled; an ebony crow
departs his perch
from the snowy white dogwood. (This is a wonderful fresh and lively image. I enjoyed how you made use of the detail of the dogwood.

In L4, to add some life to the image of two squirrels, perhaps and also create a bouncing off of sounds in other lines within the stanza - you might consider using

A pair of gray squirrels scurry
up the oak;
robins and sparrows
flutter to neighboring yards.

Two male cardinals were having an air fight
over the favors of a female
who was waiting demurely.
Their air battle was as fiercely fought
as one of the Red Baron’s himself.
From further away in the cul-de-sac
came the “chirps” and “tweets” and “poor Wills”
of the onlookers.

This stanza is where it becomes a little prosey and I think with just some weeding out unnecessary words it can be a great lead off to the ending. In L2, 'over the favors of a female' is very prose like, perhaps you might tantilize with some word usage like... 'tempting a the favors of a female' ...

Two male cardinals, fight in flight (which would be as air fight)
tempting the favors of a female
in waiting.
Their air battle, fiercely fought -

IMO, the rest of this stanza doesn't really make any declaration or any connection through out...

After the victor claimed his mate
I stepped back in-
opening the blinds and windows
to welcome Spring’s sights and sounds
inside too.

THis final stanza, I would love to see the narrator embrace the moment somehow, make it move, as it stands it sort of lies flat as directive narrating. Like: the victor claims his mate. I step back in. opening the blinds and windows

Perhaps ...
I witness him claim his mate,
sigh. I step inside,
slide the blinds, open the windows
and welcome Springs's sights and sounds
into my retreat.

Of course, please use what is to your interest and discard anything that isn't in your line!

Best Wishes, LIz

[Maggie]

Hi Liz,

Thank you so much for working with my poem!! It is greatly appreciated!! I do think your suggestion of present tense is a big improvement.

I decided to keep my reference to the "Red Baron" but love your "fight in flight" suggestion. I added some new ideas with reference to "winter flannel" and "musty winter's den" as well as "fragrant spring breeze."

Thank you again!!!

Peggy

[AMETHYST]

Hi Peggy,

I really enjoyed those fresh images... especially 'winter flannels' it tells so much and it alters the whole experience for the reader. It fills in a gap which hadn't been in Drafts 1 or 2, it defines a close of winter. The reader enters into the passage understanding that this is a long and welcomed moment and the chill of winter is still on the tip of the narrators day... which makes a grand difference. I also loved the switch in words, maintaining demurely, I liked the word but wasn't too thrilled with it as it was, but with your slight change it works well.

I am going to return later this afternoon with some comments on your newest revision. I love it when workshopping springs creative thoughts of the poet's own and they make magical changes... I like a lot of your own changes... Great reworking.

Best Regards, Liz

[Maggie]

Hi Liz,

Thank you so much for sticking with me through the last revision!!!

I am particularly pleased with my new last stanza. When you suggested the inside of the house as being a "retreat" that made me think of "winter's den" and I made a clearer and sharper contrast between spring outside and the now outdated "winter's den" inside. What do you think?

Again, thanks for the insights and time and nudging!!!!!

Peggy

[Eisa]

Hi Peggy

Wow! - this revision is just great. I like how you've tightened everything up.

I particularly like the last stanza and how you've finished with the breeze & sunshine of the beginning of this poem. This seems bring it full circle very nicely.

welcoming the spring breeze and sunlight
into my dark and musty winter's den.


I still feel you could make the cardinals fight more descriptive, possibly bringing in something about flapping wings - pecking beaks - piercing shrieks

Just a thought.

Great revision

Snow

[AMETHYST]

Hi Peggy.

YES!!!! Your revisions through out very strong, but especially that final stanza. The winter's den image and addition really grabs the readers understanding, enhancing the contrast between the Spring day outside from the refuge of a cold winter inside. Love it!

Spring Morning (Revision 2)

A sweeping spring breeze
and sparkle of sunlight
chase away the mist
by mid-morning today.

I must say the change to present tense really makes a great difference. It enlivens the image and makes it active.

In winter flannel
I step out
to greet a glorious spring day.

Excellent change "In winter flannel' it immediately brings the contrast to light so the reader can put themselves into the moment with the narrator.

Startled, the ebony crow
departs his perch
from the snowy white dogwood.
A pair of gray squirrels scurry
up the oak as
robins and sparrows
flutter to neighboring yards.

Small suggestion (although it isn't a must, ) brings 'as from L5 down to L6.

Other than that tiny nit, this reads smooth and unintrusive.

Two male cardinals fight in flight
over the favors
of a demurely waiting female.
Their air battle as fiercely fought
as one of the Red Baron's himself.

As already mentioned, I liked the switch between waiting/demurely. However the last two lines, seem not to make full sense. Perhaps you might find a way to keep it but changing some words to allow it to be a full thought or movement.

After seeing the victor claim his mate,
I sigh and step back inside
to open blinds and windows
welcoming the spring breeze and sunlight
into my dark and musty winter's den.

Love that final line. Good reworking.

Best Wishes and good luck with this..

[Maggie]

Hi Snow and Liz,

Thank you both so much for your kind and helpful imput!! I appreciate it very much!! I might add a couple lines more, but for most all intents and purposes I consider this one complete.

Thank you both again!!!

Peggy

[AMETHYST]

Then I too will consider it complete and a job well done!

Look forward to more of your poetry. Best Regards, Liz

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Peggy,

This is coming along now wth each revision.

I've a few more thoughts below for you to ponder. I'd like you to think of wasys/word substitutes to get rid of many of your 'the' words scattered throughout if possible.

Cheers,
~Cleo

A sweeping spring breeze
and sparkle of sunlight
chase away the mist
by mid-morning today.
Suggest a descriptor in place of 'the' preceding 'mist' - perhaps 'rambling mist' or something like that.

In winter flannel
I step out
to greet a glorious spring day.
No need to use 'spring' again here as we already know it is from S1.

Startled, the ebony crow
departs his perch
from the [his] snowy white dogwood.
A pair of gray squirrels scurry
up the [mighty] oak
as robins and sparrows
flutter to neighboring yards.

Two male cardinals fight in flight
over the [flirty] favors
of a demurely waiting female.
Their air battle [is] as fiercely fought
as one of the Red Baron's himself.

After seeing the victor claim his mate,
I sigh, step back inside,
and open blinds and windows
to welcome the spring breeze and sunlight
into my dark and musty winter's den.
A suggestion to focus here in the close - are there ways you can share the actions you take without telling us so abruptly?
I welcome glorious beams of light
into my home after watching the finale
of victor claiming his mate;
as the darkness fades with winter's musty den.

[Maggie]

Hi Cleo,

Thank you for the attention to detail and the excellent suggestions! It is appreciated!!!

Peggy

[Eisa]

Hi Peggy

This has really transformed with each revision. Just a couple more thoughts

Spring's sweeping breeze
and sparkle of sunlight
chase away dreary mist
by mid-morning today.


Startled, the ebony crow departs
from his snowy white dogwood perch.


Two male cardinals fight in flight
over the favors
of a patiently waiting female.

Patiently doesn't mean the same as demure - but sounds good with 'waiting'

Your hard work has paid off in this one Peggy - well done!

Snow