|
|
|
My Spring- Revised, Times Ten Challenge for March 20/ 2010 |
|
|
|
Mar 23 10, 08:41
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 1,547
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia
Member No.: 13
Real Name: Daniah
Writer of: Poetry
|
Revised... TY Larry, Sylvia, and Steve
I see Spring in his eyes; an amber sheen misted by frames of a rocky future persuaded forward.
I tread his meadows' undulating slopes, watch lush greens turn soft pastel, then gather its harvest with my embrace.
His road is traversed where dreams and desires flounder between shared giggles and tears.
Uncertainty is written, etched on his forehead, and I reach deeply into wisdom and serve it up to him.
He is Spring tearfully gazing into the Winter of my eyes.
Orinigal
I see spring in his eyes; an amber sheen misted by frames of a rocky future he persuades forward.
I tread his meadows' uneven slopes, watch its lush greens turn pastel, then tie its hay with my embrace.
His road traverses; where dreams and desires flounder between shared giggles and tears.
Uncertainty is written; scribbled on his forehead, and I reach deep into wisdom and serve it up to him.
He is the spring that tearfully stares into the winter of my eyes.
Words used. sheen- pastel- mist- written- road- traverse- meadow- giggle- spring- amber
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
Guest_ohsteve_*
|
Mar 23 10, 12:09
|
Guest
|
Dani, Awe this was just beautiful, even if it did make me shed a tear or two. It feels very warm and close and as if you opened your heart to give us a peak. Lovely lines and lovely words. A nit or two.
His road is traverse; where dreams and desires flounder between shared giggles and tears.
Shouldn't it be His road traverses between dreams and desires they flounder in shared giggles and tears. Just my two cents
Very well done.
Steve
|
|
|
|
|
Mar 23 10, 16:57
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 1,547
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia
Member No.: 13
Real Name: Daniah
Writer of: Poetry
|
Hey Steve, Thanks for the input. It was a pretty silly mistake but in my defence I wrote this after 4 a.m. I made the change. Dani
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
Mar 23 10, 23:04
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 11,376
Joined: 15-June 07
From: Springfield, Louisiana
Member No.: 446
Real Name: Larry D. Jennings
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Just wondered in.
|
Hi Dani,
I got the email from you forwarded by Lori. Since the Challenge Forums are not for crits, I'm glad to see you posted "My Spring" in Seren's. I see that Steve saw the "traverse" mistake and you corrected it per his suggestion. Well, since you asked for my insight, I have a few suggestions which you may take or toss as you please.
S1/L1: Capitalize Spring S1/L5: Delete "he has to" and use "persuaded forward." for L5
I see Spring in his eyes; an amber sheen misted by frames of a rocky future persuaded forward.
S2L2: Sub "undulant" for "uneven". S2L4: Sub "transform into soft" for "turn". S2L5: Sub "harvest" for "hay".
I tread his meadows' undulant slopes, watch its lush greens transform into soft pastel, then tie its harvest with my embrace.
S3L1: Use "traversed"
His road is traversed; where dreams and desires flounder between shared giggles and tears.
S4L2: "Scribbled" denotes messy, illegible and generally untidy writing. Try "etched" instead. S4L3: Add "ly" to deep (deeply) S4L4: "serve it up" sounds like something a waitress would do in a "Greasy Spoon" establishment. Would you consider using "minister" in its place?
Uncertainty is written; etched on his forehead, and I reach deeply into wisdom and minister to him.
S5L1: Capitalize Spring once more. S5L2: Sub "melts" for "stares" S5L3: Delete "into", Capitalize "Winter" and Sub "soul" for "eyes"
He is the Spring that tearfully melts the Winter of my soul.
I know that all this is a bit much to take in but it's the best suggestions that came to me after numerous reads. Hope I didn't offend.
Larry
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
Mar 25 10, 21:16
|
Ornate Oracle
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 8,875
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting
|
Dear Dani, This is a lovely, rather sad poem. You have great imagery here, as well as original analogy between a lover and Spring. That's the way I understand it, correct me if I'm wrong!
May I make a few suggestions to T or T? Very few, some to do with punctuation as well.QUOTE (Siren @ Mar 23 10, 15:41 ) I see spring in his eyes;<<<<<<< capitalize Spring in this case, otherwise it's like a verb. Maybe a colon at the end of this line.
an amber sheen <<<<<<< lovely! misted by frames of a rocky future he persuades forward. <<<<<< I'm not sure I understand L5
Maybe:
I see Spring in his eyes: an amber sheen framed by the mist of a rocky future impelled forward.
Just trying to understand! Stupid me...
I tread his meadows' uneven slopes, <<<<<<<< I like Larry's 'undulant', or maybe 'undulating'
watch its lush greens turn pastel, then tie its hay <<<<<< then gather its harvest with my embrace.
His road traverses; <<<<<<<< you don't need the semi-colon here. where dreams and desires flounder between shared giggles and tears.
Uncertainty is written; <<<<<<<<< I think a comma would be better here.
scribbled on his forehead, <<<<<<< 'etched' is good. and I reach deep into wisdom and serve it up to him.
The above S is intriguing, I like it!
He is [the] spring <<<<<<< Capitalize Spring and perhaps remove 'the'?
[that] tearfully stares <<<<<<< tearfully gazing? into the winter of my eyes.
He is Spring tearfully gazing into the Winter of my eyes.
Such a melancholy finale! Truly a delicately woven poem. Please toss out my suggestions at will!
BTW, remember that once in the forums, you don't have to follow the challenge's rules.
Hugs, Syl***
Words used. sheen- pastel- mist- written- road- traverse- meadow- giggle- spring- amber
······· ·······
Mis temas favoritos The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
"There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction."
Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
|
|
|
|
|
Mar 28 10, 17:44
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 1,547
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia
Member No.: 13
Real Name: Daniah
Writer of: Poetry
|
Hey Larry,
Your help is valued. I did feel a bit off around this and the mistakes were silly but my excuse is the complicated surgery my son underwent this past wednesday.
Thank you so much and I hope you check in on the revision.
Smiling Dani
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
Mar 28 10, 17:58
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 1,547
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia
Member No.: 13
Real Name: Daniah
Writer of: Poetry
|
Hey Sylvie honey,
Thanks so much for the help and the insight. I revised it per all your suggestions and what worked for me and I hope you check on the revised version.
First off, the poem is written for my son who is struggling with his university studies and is pushing himself forward. He underwent a complicated knee surgery and this was written in the eve of that day.
I used "persuaded" in L5 to identify one charateristic of a procrastinator.
Thanks so much for the help
Dani
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:
|
|
Read our FLYERS - click below
Reference links provided to aid in fine-tuning
your writings. ENJOY!
|
|
|
|