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What Does it Mean? *** (Crit welcomed), rondeau |
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Nov 12 14, 15:03
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 18,638
Joined: 2-August 03
From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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What Does it Mean?
What does it mean to please someone? Do anything to get along? or should I work to understand, befriend, and try to lend a hand? At times, the process won't be fun.
What pleases God? Look to His Son. Attend His Word; know right from wrong. What's PC? No! Seek true peace, and What does it mean?
Is there something that will atone? Can we talk on the telephone? To reconcile's no magic wand; relationships have shifting sand. Ask God to guide; don't act alone. What does it mean?
© MLee Dickens'son 2014
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Nov 13 14, 12:56
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 11,402
Joined: 15-June 07
From: Springfield, Louisiana
Member No.: 446
Real Name: Larry D. Jennings
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Just wondered in.
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Hi Daniel, long time no see!
First of all, your rhyme scheme does not follow the Rondeau’s a ®, a, b, b, a a, b, b, ® a, a, b, b, a, ®
It looks more like a, b, c, c, a a, b, c, ® d, d, e, b, d, ®
(wand/sand), although they look alike, do not rhyme in S3.
Here are my suggestions: S1: L1 – (lose the question mark/replace with semicolon) L2 – do anything to get it done, L3 – befriend or strive to understand L4 – and even lend a helping hand? L5 – (ain’t that the truth)
S2: L2 – Attend His Word… and His command. L3 – I’ll have to think on this one because I can make no sense of what it means and unlike all the other lines, it isn’t iambic.
S3: L1, 2 and 5 end rhymes match but don’t follow the rhymes of S1 and S2.
L1 – Forgive and wrongs may be undone L2 – or share your thoughts and we've begun. L3 – To reconcile must be well planned; L4 – (this line is so true) and the end rhymes match L5 – Ask God to guide and you have won.
Here is my edited suggestions:
What does it mean?
What does it mean to please someone; do anything to get it done, befriend or strive to understand, and even lend a helping hand? At times, the process won't be fun.
What pleases God? Look to His Son. Attend His Word… and His Command. What's PC? No! Seek true peace, and (don’t know what to do with this line) What does it mean?
Forgive and wrongs may be undone or share your thoughts and we've begun. To reconcile must be well planned; relationships have shifting sand. Ask God to guide and you have won. What does it mean?
That's about as thorough a critique as I can give. Hope it's not too much.
Again, glad to see you back.
Larry
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Nov 15 14, 05:58
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 18,638
Joined: 2-August 03
From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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Thank you for trying to understand my poor communication in this sad poem, Larry.
My slanting rhymes I see don't please your eyes and ears, but merely tease that critical and helpful mind that prods and probes me to unwind a pome that's fallen to disease.
If we call in more conferees perhaps in time they may unfreeze my ears so they'll no longer find my slanting rhymes.
I know the form: a's a's then b's and b's again then a's -- no c's. Alas, for now I'm disinclined to use the words you've reassigned; let's let it die and not appease my slanting rhymes.
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Nov 17 14, 18:27
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 11,402
Joined: 15-June 07
From: Springfield, Louisiana
Member No.: 446
Real Name: Larry D. Jennings
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Just wondered in.
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What Larry Saw
What Larry saw… Daniel’s request was thought, at first, to be a jest but asterisks, from one to three meant some critique was asked of me so off I ran at his behest.
“What does it mean” was not the best Rondeau he’s written, probably; near rhyme and verse were metrically What Larry saw.
Could this be ruse or just a test from he whose tongue always caressed his cheek? I guessed it was a plea but I was wrong from “a” to “z”. My brain’s shut down for I’ve confessed what Larry saw.
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Nov 18 14, 19:58
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 18,638
Joined: 2-August 03
From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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What Larry saw was quite correct. It's not critique that I reject... it's just my poor Rondeau that failed to communicate what I had desired. I think it's beyond repair!! You did exactly what was requested, my friend... and extremely well! deLighting in your sharing, Daniel
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Nov 19 14, 00:05
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 11,402
Joined: 15-June 07
From: Springfield, Louisiana
Member No.: 446
Real Name: Larry D. Jennings
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Just wondered in.
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Hi Daniel,
I never said I didn't understand what you were writing about. Your Rondeau gave me the message that there is something wrong at home (yours) and that you were trying to find some way to assuage someone's hurt feelings. Where the fault lies or who was hurt I can't ascertain but you were/are trying to smooth thing over and obtain someone's forgiveness and you can't understand why things have gone awry. Communication is definitely the key so there has to be compromise before there can be a meeting of the minds to work thing out.
You are right to include God and "WWJD" when there is conflict. Prayer always helps! Maybe not in your time but always in His time.
Hope you can work thing out and come to a mutual understanding.
Did I comprehend correctly or am I out in left field looking for the batters box?
My Prayers,
Larry
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Nov 20 14, 10:03
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 18,638
Joined: 2-August 03
From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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Hey, Larry YOUR communication was very clear to me from your excellent comments and suggestions, and what you say here makes that even more clear. Your interpretation is excellent, and the advice you see is absolutely correct.... but that underscores my failure to communicate, because that is not the message I was working at. I know that sounds absolutely weird, but it's true. The question mark in the second line is crucial. The idea is that doing anything just to get along is going too far. Since I didn't communicate that, all the rest of the poem falls apart. I don't see any way in getting across what I was trying to communicate using the current form. I can't make my intentions clear. I don't give up trying to communicate my thoughts, but I think this particular piece can't do it! Thank you so much for your assistance, my friend. deLighting in your ability, Daniel
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Nov 24 14, 07:01
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Group: Gold Member
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From: South Africa
Member No.: 457
Real Name: Walter Schwim
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Mistral
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Daniel
For me each poem must select its own form to say what it has to say, that is why I seldom participate in challenges. I think you struggled with this one by trying too hard to comply with form. In the end neither the message or the structure worked out. I did follow the poem's sentiment but perhaps not as you would have liked. I know that wont keep you down for long.
Cheers, Wally
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Nov 24 14, 07:02
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 783
Joined: 24-July 07
From: South Africa
Member No.: 457
Real Name: Walter Schwim
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Mistral
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Daniel
For me each poem must select its own form to say what it has to say, that is why I seldom participate in challenges. I think you struggled with this one by trying too hard to comply with form. In the end neither the message or the structure worked out. I did follow the poem's sentiment but perhaps not as you would have liked. I know that wont keep you down for long.
Cheers, Wally
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Feb 25 15, 23:52
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Ornate Oracle
Group: Praetorian
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Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting
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Oops, Daniel, I missed this one altogether. Far too late to comment, but here I am because it struck me as highly original as well as sad.
QUOTE The question mark in the second line is crucial. The idea is that doing anything just to get along is going too far.
I picked these lines out of one of your amusing interchanges with Larry! I absolutely agree that the question mark is essential here.
I've had an enjoyable time reading the ripostes from both of you! So I'll leave it at that. I have no problem with near rhymes, many famous poets have/do use them.
I hope that by now you've gotten out of this messy relationship, or else come to some mutual understanding (without doing anything just to get along...LOL...).
Cheers, Syl***
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Mis temas favoritos The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
"There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction."
Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
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