Dick Tracy and the North Pole Caper
The e-mail came in on my wrist computer at nine fifteen am. and it was bad news: The Brow, Mumbles, Pruneface, Rhodent, Gargles and all the bad guys were making-out for the North Pole Caper.
Yeah, that’s what the message said, and it wasn’t just my bad guys, it was the whole damn comic strip crooks! The Joker, the Ridler, the Penguin, Clayface, Mr. Mxyztplk, the Eradicator, Dr, Thaddeus Sivana, the Legion of Death, and Princess Ardala and so on. The list kept moving up the screen. What a diabolical plot. This is going to be one hell of a party.
I’ll have to move fast— quick look to my left: who’s with me today. Sheesh, B O Plenty’s in the next frame; can’t use him. Oh… there’s Junior down near the end I’ll take him with me. Who’s up above! Cathy, no good, a scatterbrain— The Wizard of Id—useless, Hagar the Horrible— a lazy slob, hmm…maybe, he could be handy as a decoy. Nine twenty am. I hit Google— move backwards through the papers and choose carefully. Sam Catchem, Tess, Liz—(got to go back to an edition prior to Liz dying), yes and I’ll need Pat the chief, oh, and that moon space ship I used some years ago for space travel; should get us to the North Pole in no time. Now, who else… Superman… the closest comic strip for looking up Clark Kent, appears to be the Connecticut Tribune; and Batman and Robin they’re in India— doing a fine job in the Bangalore Star, then there’s Captain Marvel and his family there down in Peru, the world’s a strange place, who’d have imagined the Marvel family ending up featuring in Lima Examiner. Last, but not least: Buck Rogers and his crew they’re vital to control the space ship— it’s reassuring to know that we’ll use Buck and his crews superior weaponry. Ok…done, messages sent, the crew should arrive in a few seconds. My crime-fighting unit assembled I related the purpose behind my hurried appeal for help: the comic strip rogues ARE in the process of launching a vile raid on the North Pole; our common enemy’s outrageous plans are to capture Santa’s toys and presents warehouses, once their heinous goal accomplished, the fiendish gangsters would be in a position to hold the world’s parents to ransom. On hearing the news, there was quite a considerable amount of discourse between the heroes’. I went and thanked everyone for turning up for the party, and how deeply indebted I am for their commitment to make sure children throughout world would have a joyous Christmas. The downside to their generosity was that they would be in breach of their contracts for their non-appearance in comic strips. Nine thirty am, intelligence report from military tracking satellites pinpointed our adversaries about ten minute traveling distance from the warehouses. No time to lose— Buck Rodgers, his nimble hands on the controls of our fully armed spacecraft, and all personnel are onboard, all personnel except— Superman and the Marvel family— it will be their job to lead the way to the battle zone. We have no time to lose— our approximate time from our marshaling point to an area two hundred metres behind the enemy— is ninety seconds—gotta go.
We’ve arrived, the enemy is in sight. Captain Marvel and Superman each grab an arm of Hagar the Horrible and soar upward; Hagar in full regalia: blunt sword and fur Viking suit is taken to an area just ahead of the evil invasion and dropped by parachute in front demonic enemy. After the descent, Hagar opens his mouth, gives a laconic smile, and asks for ‘food’. The wicked legion come to a halt—stop… then go into raucous hysterics. Just what we need, a pause— a diversion. I send Superman and the Marvels ahead. Buck revs up the spaceship and we prepare for the attack. The attack goes like clockwork, our caped hero's hit the front line, Hagar settles down to curse the opposition, Buck brings the ship to a standstill— opens the hatches, disgorges our troops and orders the crew to let fly with the laser guns.
Success, all done, the evil procurers of devilment lay slain in the suffocating wealth of black ink. So once again, truth and the democratic way of life has overcome those bent on destroying our society and our values— values that over the centuries have been traditionally enjoyed and will be continued to be enjoyed in the future. I’m proud of the fact that I took control of a situation that had an uplifting effect on those of innocent faith, and believe the world is a better place for the action taken. Children everywhere: MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Dick Tracy
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