I know how to fight with flies! Options

[Guest_iverhyck_*]

- You’ve taken some cake.
_______________________- A small slice,
And I’ve put it in that place.
- Why?
_______- You’ve seen a lizard. It’s nice.
- And what?
___________- It’ll live there, Grace!
- I haven’t yet heard of that serial,
But I heard whispers then saw mice or rats
After breakfast. They ate the cereal
Left there. Well, hear me out, Pat.
I’m not gonna stand it any more.
I don’t wanna see any mice!
- What did you leave the cereal for?
If not for mice, then perhaps for flies?
- But…
_______- Ah! Sorry, I see, it was left for rats.
- I hate both mice and rats.
_______________________- Both? You said,
“I don’t wanna see any mice!’’ That’s that.
I thought you’d like to have a rat as a pet.
- No!!!
_______- Flies as pets? I’d say it’s something new.
- Oh, please, stop! It’s disgusting, Pat!
- I’m about the same, Grace. Don’t feel blue.
This lizard will be a perfect pet.
- Why are you so sure?
____________________- Because it eats flies
And other small insects.
_____________________- Pat! Oh my!
Why are you telling that?
______________________- Since I put the slice,
That lizard’s been hunting. It’s eaten five.

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Iverhyck, Welcome to MM poetry forums, we would like you to please introduce yourself in the newbie forum give us some idea of your backround and what sort of feed back you would like. Are you a new writer? I think the first goal of a writer is to let the reader know what the message is that he is trying to get across. If this doesn't happen then the writing is a waste of time. If the reader doesn't understand, they are more than likely to not return to read anything else you write. Your piece doesn't take me anywhere, doesn't show me anything, doesn't convey any message. We all here at MM are willing to help, but we need to know what you are trying to say in your poem. I would suggest that you take what you want to say and write it out very simply first...ie

There is a girl on the swing. She is trying to swing higher. She looks sad. Maybe she has no friends. There is a breeze blowing, and I can smell the diner's food as it cooks. Now with that information you can start a very simple poem.

She sadly sways upon the swing,
one foot dragging in the dust.
She's just moved here and found no friends,
She wishes to soar high into the bright sky,
looks for someone to share her play time.
She sniffs the aroma of food on the breeze,
knows it is time to go home, time to eat, sleep,
and hope for a better day tomorrow.

There you have the bare bones of a beginning, one to be fleshed out, enhance the images, it has a message, it passes information on to the reader. I am not trying to be condescending here just to let you know that there is help if you ask. I hope that you will stay and ask. But if you don't ask and continue to post stuff like this, I can tell you that almost no one will want to read it, and most will not comment on it, because it will be just a waste of thier time. Also you must post a comment to two other peoples posts before you may post another piece in this forum. Please read the forum rules. If you have any questions or concerns please don't hesitate to ask.

Steve

[Psyche]

Hi Konstantin,

Do you perhaps write anti-poetry or poetry of the absurd?

Or something along those lines.

In that case, it will be far easier for members to know why it all sounds way out.

And allow them to skip your topics, or dwell on them, according to their curiosity, since poets here are fairly traditional. No offense meant, just please explain a little.

Thanks & welcome,
Psyche

[merle]

I am so very, very lost when reading this poem, it's probably me. I don't understand the form, format, or the content. A little help please.

[Merlin]

Hi Konstantin,

Somewhere a read a little of your bio, and see English is not your first language. Therefore, you've done very well with the spelling and grammar, all in all. Yes, there's need for clarity now, which can be done.

In your beginning, there's a time problem. What you have is You taking a piece of cake, and then I putting it there. Things would make more sense if I put it there before you take it, not after.

A little trick I want to share with you is to use color to eliminate your lines for indentations. Make the indent with a line, then color that line to the background using the big "A" visible in the posting box, up on the right.
..............like this.
........................or maybe this.

At least close... You can mouse-over the above and see the dots I used for indents.

Best,

Merlin

[Sekhmet]

Hello Konstantin -
I read this poem as a conversation, overheard drifting from an open window; on a sunny day (lizards do so love the sun.)
There is a serial playing softly, from the half-heard TV.
I see two elderly spinster sisters, who enjoy, (indeed - live - to annoy each other).
Although, of course, 'Pat' could be a man - but it makes no difference!
Each of the couple is determined to, 'get one over' on the other.
A bad-tempered, humorous squabble - graphically illustrated with long Pinteresque pauses.
I hope I have managed to grasp something of the essence of this unorthodox poem.
I think I enjoyed it!
Leo

[Arnfinn]

G'day.



You’ve taken some cake. <<<< A ! OR ? PERHAPS._______________________- A small slice, Mate, either use a Hyphen OR A DASH.

And I’ve put it in that place.
- Why?
_______- You’ve seen a lizard. It’s nice. I do not understand this line?
- And what?
___________- It’ll live there, Grace! It'll?
- I haven’t yet heard of that serial,
But I heard whispers then saw mice or rats>>>> ( But)<<< delete.' I heard whispers; then (saw)<<< delete saw then mice and rats

After breakfast. They ate the cereal <<< delete the After breakfast. They ate cereal.
Left there. Well, hear me out, Pat. <<< Left there Sentence: a set of words that is complete in itself, conveying a statment, question, exclamation or comment. I suggest a ;.
I’m not gonna stand it any more.
I don’t wanna see any mice! - What did you leave the cereal for? <<< I canot see why you use a - to start a line? Not grammatically correct?
If not for mice, then perhaps for flies?
- But…
_______- Ah! Sorry, I see, it was left for rats. <<< Incorrect punctuation and grammar ( I see).


A suggestion. Check out Walter De la Mare (an English poet)

His poem 'Five Eyes'

Tune yourself to the rhythm and rhyme of poetry.


Regards,

I doo like your message.

Arnfinn

[Eisa]

Hi Konstantin,

Like Leo I thought this was a conversation between 2 people, but have to admit that I found it hard to follow. I think your format is not really helping the clarity of this. Your lines & dashes can be distracting. Perhaps if it was laid out. with seperate paragraphs for each conversation -- or you could put one persons conversations in italics to diffrentiate.


You’ve taken some cake.

A small slice,
And I’ve put it in that place.
Why?

You’ve seen a lizard. It’s nice.
And what?
It’ll live there, Grace!

I haven’t yet heard of that serial,
But I heard whispers then saw mice or rats
After breakfast. They ate the cereal
Left there. Well, hear me out, Pat.
I’m not gonna stand it any more.
I don’t wanna see any mice!

What did you leave the cereal for?
If not for mice, then perhaps for flies?

But…
Ah! Sorry, I see, it was left for rats.
I hate both mice and rats.

Both? You said,
“I don’t wanna see any mice!’’ That’s that.
I thought you’d like to have a rat as a pet.

No!!!
Flies as pets? I’d say it’s something new.

Oh, please, stop! It’s disgusting, Pat!
I’m about the same, Grace. Don’t feel blue.
This lizard will be a perfect pet.

Why are you so sure?
Because it eats flies
And other small insects.

Pat! Oh my!
Why are you telling that?

Since I put the slice,
That lizard’s been hunting. It’s eaten five.


I think I may have got some of the conversations mixed up, but hopefully you get the gist.

I understand that English is not your fist languag so you must find this difficult.

I look forward to your revision

Snow

[Sekhmet]

Konstantin, several of us have taken an interest in your poem - and have asked you to cast some illumination upon what you intended to convey to us.
Your verses appear in a form unknown to us; so if you could let us know something about the forms you are using we would be able to offer more constructive critiques, rather than our blind guesses, and comments about the poem's layout.
There would appear to be several grammatical errors - but until we know a little more about your fluency in English, it will be hard to offer you useful suggestions. Your usage of English seems to be excellent - so it is possible that what I see as, 'grammatical errors' were intended.
We are a critique forum,and a reply from you would be most helpful.
More please!
Leo

[Guest_iverhyck_*]

Iverhyck, Welcome to MM poetry forums, we would like you to please introduce yourself in the newbie forum give us some idea of your backround and what sort of feed back you would like. Are you a new writer? I think the first goal of a writer is to let the reader know what the message is that he is trying to get across. If this doesn't happen then the writing is a waste of time. If the reader doesn't understand, they are more than likely to not return to read anything else you write. Your piece doesn't take me anywhere, doesn't show me anything, doesn't convey any message. We all here at MM are willing to help, but we need to know what you are trying to say in your poem. I would suggest that you take what you want to say and write it out very simply first...ie

There is a girl on the swing. She is trying to swing higher. She looks sad. Maybe she has no friends. There is a breeze blowing, and I can smell the diner's food as it cooks. Now with that information you can start a very simple poem.

She sadly sways upon the swing,
one foot dragging in the dust.
She's just moved here and found no friends,
She wishes to soar high into the bright sky,
looks for someone to share her play time.
She sniffs the aroma of food on the breeze,
knows it is time to go home, time to eat, sleep,
and hope for a better day tomorrow.

There you have the bare bones of a beginning, one to be fleshed out, enhance the images, it has a message, it passes information on to the reader. I am not trying to be condescending here just to let you know that there is help if you ask. I hope that you will stay and ask. But if you don't ask and continue to post stuff like this, I can tell you that almost no one will want to read it, and most will not comment on it, because it will be just a waste of thier time. Also you must post a comment to two other peoples posts before you may post another piece in this forum. Please read the forum rules. If you have any questions or concerns please don't hesitate to ask.

Steve

Steve,
thank you for your comments.
You see, here I tried to rhyme a short dialogue that is funny (at least I think it's funny).
I prefer writing iverhymes. Iverhymes aren't anything special in poetry, they are usually funny (again I have to repeat I think they are funny) dialogues.
You wrote, "Your piece doesn't take me anywhere, doesn't show me anything, doesn't convey any message."
Well... perhaps I didn't succeed and will be glad to know what to do.

Konstantin.

[Guest_iverhyck_*]

Hi Konstantin,

Do you perhaps write anti-poetry or poetry of the absurd?

Or something along those lines.

In that case, it will be far easier for members to know why it all sounds way out.

And allow them to skip your topics, or dwell on them, according to their curiosity, since poets here are fairly traditional. No offense meant, just please explain a little.

Thanks & welcome,
Psyche

Psyche,
it's difficult to understand 'Do you perhaps write anti-poetry or poetry of the absurd?'
Does it mean there's no logic in this dialogue? Or anything else?
Will you tell me what made you think this way?

I didn't invented any new things. In musicals we can hear short rhymed dialogues too.

Konstantin.

[Guest_iverhyck_*]

I am so very, very lost when reading this poem, it's probably me. I don't understand the form, format, or the content. A little help please.

Merle,
so sorry if it made you feel lost.
This is a rhymed dialogue between two girls.
I usually write iverhymes that aren't always dialogues and aren't always funny.

Konstantin.

[Guest_iverhyck_*]

Hi Konstantin,

Somewhere a read a little of your bio, and see English is not your first language. Therefore, you've done very well with the spelling and grammar, all in all. Yes, there's need for clarity now, which can be done.

In your beginning, there's a time problem. What you have is You taking a piece of cake, and then I putting it there. Things would make more sense if I put it there before you take it, not after.

A little trick I want to share with you is to use color to eliminate your lines for indentations. Make the indent with a line, then color that line to the background using the big "A" visible in the posting box, up on the right.
..............like this.
........................or maybe this.

At least close... You can mouse-over the above and see the dots I used for indents.

Best,

Merlin

Merlin,
thank you for your reading.
'You’ve taken some cake' means 'You’ve taken some cake (from the plate)' .
'And I’ve put it in that place' means 'after taking a slice I’ve put it in that place'.
I know I should have used Past Simple, but using Present Simple, I wanted to make the beginning more emotional.
Now about '_________'. Some sites gulp gaps ' ', and my stepped lines turn into columns. I think columns hide the rhymes here. And I tried to fight with this problem.
Your idea is very interesting. I think I'll follow it. And I can colour the phrases of every character.

Thank you again.
Konstantin.

[Guest_iverhyck_*]

Hello Konstantin -
I read this poem as a conversation, overheard drifting from an open window; on a sunny day (lizards do so love the sun.)
There is a serial playing softly, from the half-heard TV.
I see two elderly spinster sisters, who enjoy, (indeed - live - to annoy each other).
Although, of course, 'Pat' could be a man - but it makes no difference!
Each of the couple is determined to, 'get one over' on the other.
A bad-tempered, humorous squabble - graphically illustrated with long Pinteresque pauses.
I hope I have managed to grasp something of the essence of this unorthodox poem.
I think I enjoyed it!
Leo

Leo,
Thank you for your both comments.
That's a dialogue between two girls.
It's my typical iverhyme, but sometimes I have only one character (monologue) or more than two characters.
If I see something funny, I try to write it in rhymes, and it's intersting to know how well I do it.

Answering Merlin I wrote

'You’ve taken some cake' means 'You’ve taken some cake (from the plate)' .
'And I’ve put it in that place' means 'after taking a slice I’ve put it in that place'.
I know I should have used Past Simple, but using Present Simple, I wanted to make the beginning more emotional.

I'd be glad if you tell me what other places are bad.

Konstantin.

[Guest_iverhyck_*]

G'day.



You’ve taken some cake. <<<< A ! OR ? PERHAPS._______________________- A small slice, Mate, either use a Hyphen OR A DASH.

And I’ve put it in that place.
- Why?
_______- You’ve seen a lizard. It’s nice. I do not understand this line?
- And what?
___________- It’ll live there, Grace! It'll?
- I haven’t yet heard of that serial,
But I heard whispers then saw mice or rats>>>> ( But)<<< delete.' I heard whispers; then (saw)<<< delete saw then mice and rats

After breakfast. They ate the cereal <<< delete the After breakfast. They ate cereal.
Left there. Well, hear me out, Pat. <<< Left there Sentence: a set of words that is complete in itself, conveying a statment, question, exclamation or comment. I suggest a ;.
I’m not gonna stand it any more.
I don’t wanna see any mice! - What did you leave the cereal for? <<< I canot see why you use a - to start a line? Not grammatically correct?
If not for mice, then perhaps for flies?
- But…
_______- Ah! Sorry, I see, it was left for rats. <<< Incorrect punctuation and grammar ( I see).


A suggestion. Check out Walter De la Mare (an English poet)

His poem 'Five Eyes'

Tune yourself to the rhythm and rhyme of poetry.


Regards,

I doo like your message.

Arnfinn

Arnfinn,
thank you for your attention.
I'll try to explain all the places you didn't like.

I use '_________' because some sites gulp gaps ' ' and turn my stepped lines into collumns.

'You’ve seen a lizard. It’s nice.' means 'a lizard visits that place' (in my country house lizards like visiting the bower where we have lunch).

'It’ll live there' means 'I want it to live there'.

I can't understand why you don't like 'But I heard whispers then saw mice or rats After breakfast.'
and
'They ate the cereal Left there.'

Grace says, "I don’t wanna see any mice!"
Pat says, "What did you leave the cereal for?"

About 'I see' - agree.

Thank you again.
Konstantin.

[Guest_iverhyck_*]

Hi Konstantin,

Like Leo I thought this was a conversation between 2 people, but have to admit that I found it hard to follow. I think your format is not really helping the clarity of this. Your lines & dashes can be distracting. Perhaps if it was laid out. with seperate paragraphs for each conversation -- or you could put one persons conversations in italics to diffrentiate.


You’ve taken some cake.

A small slice,
And I’ve put it in that place.
Why?

You’ve seen a lizard. It’s nice.
And what?
It’ll live there, Grace!

I haven’t yet heard of that serial,
But I heard whispers then saw mice or rats
After breakfast. They ate the cereal
Left there. Well, hear me out, Pat.
I’m not gonna stand it any more.
I don’t wanna see any mice!

What did you leave the cereal for?
If not for mice, then perhaps for flies?

But…
Ah! Sorry, I see, it was left for rats.
I hate both mice and rats.

Both? You said,
“I don’t wanna see any mice!’’ That’s that.
I thought you’d like to have a rat as a pet.

No!!!
Flies as pets? I’d say it’s something new.

Oh, please, stop! It’s disgusting, Pat!
I’m about the same, Grace. Don’t feel blue.
This lizard will be a perfect pet.

Why are you so sure?
Because it eats flies
And other small insects.

Pat! Oh my!
Why are you telling that?

Since I put the slice,
That lizard’s been hunting. It’s eaten five.


I think I may have got some of the conversations mixed up, but hopefully you get the gist.

I understand that English is not your fist languag so you must find this difficult.

I look forward to your revision

Snow

Eisa,
thank you for reading and commenting.
I prefer '_________' because I don't want my stepped lines turn into columns if I use gaps ' '.
Italics? I like your advice. But perhaps I should play with different colours.
I'm going to try.
Konstantin.

[Psyche]

Hi Konstantin!

Sorry, there was no offense meant at all. Poetry of the absurd is a real genre which commenced at the same time as theatre of the absurd (Like Endgame or Embers by Samuel Beckett, which not everybody classified as absurd, but rather hellishly scary).

At the present time, I have visited websites whose members write 'anti-poetry'. It can be amusing, unintelligible, shocking, whatever! And the forms are also unusual. I haven't enjoyed these as much as the older 'absurd' genre.

Precisely because this latter kind certainly does have a hidden logic, sort of shivery in its madness or funny if you wish to laugh at it. Yours is not illogical.

I thought this way because the dialogue of your poem, plus its format, seems to approach what I have just said. I now see that you write your personal iverhymes. I think you've handled the rhyming deftly, not an easy feat when setting out on untrodden roads. Perhaps you should follow the advice of others, either using italics or a colour scheme -I like that- for more clarity.

I like dialogue in poetry. I often include it. Just posted one!

I also love lizards! Whereas the rats, mice, lizards, flies discussion between the 2 characters- and the finale- still remit me to the absurd genre; in this case, iverhymes! Why not?!

Congrats, Psyche

Psyche,
it's difficult to understand 'Do you perhaps write anti-poetry or poetry of the absurd?'
Does it mean there's no logic in this dialogue? Or anything else?
Will you tell me what made you think this way?

I didn't invented any new things. In musicals we can hear short rhymed dialogues too.

Konstantin.

[Eisa]

Eisa,
thank you for reading and commenting.
I prefer '_________' because I don't want my stepped lines turn into columns if I use gaps ' '.
Italics? I like your advice. But perhaps I should play with different colours.
I'm going to try.
Konstantin.

Hi Konstantin

I think different colours would work as well as italics. I've done that in the past. It's good to experiment to find which works best.
I have a number of lizards as pets, which is probably what drew me to your poem and made me smile.

Snow