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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
 Jan 28 04, 04:02
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#1
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 Laureate Legionnaire  Posts: 1,547 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia Member No.: 13 Real Name: Daniah Writer of: Poetry  |
revised
If through the barrenness of my desert-like days I decide to just lie in the heat and melt away perhaps you'd touch the goat skin to my lips, give me life through the liquidity of your affection. If I had foreseen ashes of decayed life surrounding this piece of earth beneath me under it all you might have uncovered a newborn stem fighting for life. If I allow your fingers to explore me perchance they would shatter the starkness within. If you were here I would know! original If through the barreness of my desert-like days I decide to just lie in the heat and melt away perhaps you'd touch the goat skin to my lips, and give me life through the liquidity of your affection. If I had foreseen but ashes of decayed life surrounding this piece of earth beneath me you might have uncovered, under it all, a newborn stem fighting for life. If I allow your fingers to caress me perchance they would shatter the starkness within. If you were here I would know!</font> ·······  ·······Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
"A good book is not read and forgotten. It lingers in the mind of the reader, reshaping thoughts, asking new questions, revisiting ancient ones." MM Award Winner     |
  
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| Guest__* |
Jan 28 04, 04:46
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#2
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Dear Dani
LOL ! - You'll see why below ! This is based on the fact that the title "IF" you will be aware, has been used before by Kipling, indeed, it was voted the most popular poem in the UK. So, here is your stunning piece, with the last lines of Kipling's added : If through the barreness -- 2 x n of my desert-like days I decide to just lie in the heat and melt away perhaps you'd touch the goat skin to my lips, and give me life through the liquidity of your affection. If I had foreseen but ashes of decayed life surrounding this piece of earth beneath me you might have uncovered, under it all, a newborn stem fighting for life. If I allow your fingers to caress me perchance they would shatter the starkness within. If you were here I would know! With a little help from the other "If", by Kipling : And what's more, you'd be a man, my son ..... Dani, please excuse my irreverence, I LOVE your poem, but find it hard to stay un-impish, for long ! Love Alan |
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| Guest_codger_* |
Jan 28 04, 05:28
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#3
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Siren,
I agree with Alan A lovely poem indeed.  Very Kiplingesque  gerry /codger. |
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Jan 29 04, 20:08
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#4
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Hi Daniah
This is absolutely beautiful Very finished and proffessional  Love and Hugs Snow ······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner        |
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Jan 30 04, 02:27
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#5
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Egyptian Posts: 427 Joined: 5-August 03 From: Oregon, USA Member No.: 8 Real Name: Dolly Writer of: Poetry |
Hi Daniah,
Lovely write, expressive like so many of your poems. However, I'm left with a sad, almost melancholy feeling as I consider the meaning of what the poem says. QUOTE If through the barreness of my desert-like days I decide to just lie in the heat and melt away perhaps you'd touch the goat skin to my lips, and give me life I think the use of the comma with the "and" isn't necessary here and is distracting. through the liquidity of your affection. ... "liquidity of your affection" What a thought! Neat! If I had foreseen but ashes of decayed life I'd suggest you drop the "but" as it isn't necessary. surrounding this piece of earth beneath me you might have uncovered, under it all, I wonder if you've considered reversing these two lines to read: under it all you might have uncovered a newborn ...." I feel it would be a bit smoother without the commas separating the lines. a newborn stem fighting for life. If I allow your fingers to caress me perchance they would shatter the starkness within. If you were here I would know! Those are my only suggestions, Dani, as this poem feels pretty finished to me. Blessings, Dolly 
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| Guest_Ponderlust_* |
Feb 1 04, 08:41
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#6
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Hi Lady D... I like this one very much! Just a few suggestions...
If through the barreness of my desert-like days I decide to just lie in the heat and melt away I would lost the "-like" in L2... IMO, the image of supposed emptiness would be evident without it. perhaps you'd touch the goat skin to my lips, and give me life through the liquidity of your affection. The goat skin is interesting... Is this a flask or a waterskin? I like how you give "affection" the properties of liquid sustenance. If I had foreseen but ashes of decayed life surrounding this piece of earth beneath me you might have uncovered, under it all, a newborn stem fighting for life. The "newborn stem" seems odd to me... maybe it might be better to show it as a "seedling of love"? If I allow your fingers to caress me perchance they would shatter the starkness within. The "caress of fingers" is unsurprising to me... very expectant. Maybe there's a better verb? Explore me? If you were here I would know! >>>Even with my nits and suggestions, I still liked this one Daniah. Nice job. :) Cary... |
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