The Story of Avaris, an ancient Egyptian tale Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

Title: The Story of Avaris
Author: Lorraine M Kanter
Word Count: 3,239
Date: Aug 24, 2003



The river raged covering unkempt papyrus inflorescences. On the banks of her shores, the Nile trembled, testament to her birthright. The annual akhet was upon us, flooding her banks, depositing her riches upon our lands, blessing us with renewed life and hope. From this, Pharaoh will flourish like the lotus flower in bloom, and his three Royal Daughters would all play a part in his Dynasty of Avaris……….

There was once upon a time three daughters born to the Pharaoh of Avaris, who daily went to walk in the palace garden. It was my duty to see to the daughter’s needs for I am Sinutep, a palace official, and servant to the Royal Harem. This responsibility, at times, weighed heavily on my heart for I was in love with two of Pharaoh’s daughters: Neferteri, the eldest; and Cleopatra, the youngest, of which I was pledged in marriage. Pharaoh’s dynasty had seen many transformations in the years of his royal reign, some that were blessings by the great Gods: Ra of all that is, Osiris of Inundation, Isis of Fertility, Thoth of Wisdom, and some that were sent by Seth of Violence of which this story I share with you now is based.

Respite came in the form of the palace garden’s sycamore trees and acacia bushes placed in perfect unison about Cleopatra’s sanctuary. In the heat of midday, the desert sun scorched not only soil and skin, but also the mind. Standing alongside a golden statue of Isis, flanked by opposing rows of nine stone sphinxes, Cleopatra gazed defiantly into her eyes, tears of green malachite and black kohl discoloring her bronze cheeks. “What must I do, mother of fertility, to grace your good deeds upon thyself?” Raising her palms to the stars, she beseeched Isis; “I fear the future of Egypt shall be for naught if I cannot bear a Pharaoh to rule thy future kingdom.”  Isis’ eyes glowed fervently in Ra’s reverent rays as Cleopatra dropped to her knees, furious. This day was to be no different than the last, as the Gods refused to respond. Not even a Pharaoh’s daughter could rouse the Divine Mother.

I followed the stepping stones to the sacred place where my intended had hidden herself – away from the crowds, immersing herself in her own temple. It was a clever decision on her part, for she could be extremely irrational at times; her emotional outbursts getting the best of her through brusque words. She was in great distress, though she labored admirably to conceal it. I caught a whisper on the wind, my eyes following the flight one step ahead of my worn sandals. They soon found her, but she did not see. In the midst of her lamentations I called to her, “What troubles you, Pharaoh’s daughter? Surely, your tears would melt a stone sphinx.”

Her solitude and rationale broken, Cleopatra spun around to face me. She could no longer escape the truth as it flowed like the Nile from her lips. “Sinutep! I did not see you come forth. Have you gathered my confession?” She grabbed my sweat-soaked kilt with weakened strength. I could find no words to console her. She looked away from my hardened eyes, back to her deity, seeking solace. “Oh Gods of Enchantment and Wisdom, Isis and Thoth, I beg of you to bestow your magical powers onto me this day,” she sank deeper into my arms, “I can no longer bear the deceit that hides within my temple.” Embracing her, I let her river rage as the fragrance of poppies, pomegranates, chrysanthemums and lotus blossoms tantalized our senses.

Neferteri had been searching for her younger sister about the palace grounds when she came to the place we two sat as the sun god Ra began his afternoon journey toward night. Wordless, she reached out her hand to console us, the two people she loved most in her father’s vast kingdom. Recognizing her loving sister’s advance, Cleopatra stood to hug her, and slipped on the stones beneath us, cutting her foot severely. “Ah,” she said, sighing deeply, as the blood of her temple began to flow, “if only I could have a child as red and as pure as the blood that is me here before you!”

All I could do was bow my head and take her away from this revelation. I scooped her into my arms, and carried my love to her bedchamber in the palace, with no resistance. Neferteri hurriedly departed, to find the son of Thoth, our palace physician. In the inner hall of her vast complex, I placed Cleopatra on her bed of feathered comfort. Her servants promptly attended her, and removed her sodden dressings and amulet in preparation of the honeyed ointments soon to come.

Guarding her with veiled eyes, I tried to garner a glimpse of her through the silken netting surrounding her lithesome form reclining on her voluptuous bed. Inwardly, I mused at the thought that the Goddess Hathor was deliberate in concealing her beauty in this manner, knowing full well I desired her love completely.

With a casual motion of her arm, she sighed, “Come worship my temple! It will be yours for the taking, Sinutep. Do you not wish to lie with me?” She breathed whimsically while falling backward onto her pillows.

My desire and longing for this question to be asked of me, was only in a dream; a nightmare brought on by Apep, when the storms of indecision and frustration traverse the turbulent waters of my mind.  I thought carefully before replying and slid closer to her natural beauty, showing my continued concern. Reluctantly, I moved nearer to the figure I longed to caress, my heart pulsing to the rhythm of her own, my feet stepping toward the fragrance of her essence, my mind stopping a respectable distance, knowing our union would have to wait. “My love, do not ask that of me in your current state of being. Surely, you are dancing with Seth in your visions of late? Is it I you truly dream of?” My voice raced with emotion, as I knelt beside her, grasping her offered hand gently, but firmly in my own. Her servants understood, and withdrew themselves from the inner bedchamber, leaving us alone. I wondered then, just who was in control?

“Oh, Sinutep,” Cleopatra interrupted, “Why do you ask such nonsense? I have always loved YOU, and only you.” Her eyes spoke the truth even though I could sense her pain as she lay still on her warming colobus monkey furs, stroking my face with her hand.

There was a shuffling of feet at the entry, weakening our momentary seclusion. Thobis and Neferteri entered the chamber with three very rambunctious servants. I made a gesture of silence, as my sweet Cleopatra sank toward sleep. With a quick exam, he applied the ointments to her wounds. Her servants assisted in the wrapping of her injured foot with the finest linens while both Neferteri and I looked on. Thobis lifted Cleopatra’s fragile head and had her drink his special mixture. No more chatter took place. I contented myself by stroking her long black hair, keeping it away from her beautiful face and emerald green eyes, to which I gazed, until they would no longer allow me that honor.

My stomach soon signaled our not yet having our afternoon meal together. I asked Thobis if he could prepare us a meal from his magical knapsack. I had heard that his father’s God given talents were passed onto him, although he rarely used them in public places. I had nothing to lose by asking, and Neferteri and I were famished. Thobis just smiled at us, put an assortment of figs and pomegranates in a basket for Cleopatra, which were laced with more magical mixtures, and reached for his sack.

He took out a cloth, and spread it on the floor. “I wish for nutrients of land and of air on this needy occasion before us to appear this moment.” With a wave of his hand and a jump in his step, there appeared fruits from the trees, meats from the land and fish from the sea in a heaping platter on his magical cloth, warmed as if just boiled from a pot, ready for our indulgent delight. We learned many years ago, never to seek an answer to his magical prowess, instead, we all enjoyed the marvelous foods Thobis endeared us with and conversed while Cleopatra slept.

A short while later, after Thobis declared that my sweet Cleopatra would recover hastily, I thanked him for his swift assistance. “I will remember you when I receive my penance this month, Thobis! I fear it will never be equal to the gratitude I owe you, however.” I told him, but again, he just smiled, bowed his head and took his leave. Neferteri and I sat down and played an exciting game of Senet. In nine moves of the sticks, her Phoenix flew across the board conquering my game, but no longer my continued enchantment.

*     *    *

On the outskirts of Thebes, a rustling of crop grass among the fertile plain and scents of myrtle filled the air. A warm breeze caressed the fields of wheat, barley, chickpeas and flax, tossing their shanks about.  A Pharaoh's pace to the North stood a herd of ostrich, another of antelope and of waterfowl grazing in the meadow. Silently, the Hunter appeared, with his bow slung carefully on his back, ready to be used by his expert hands.

Horem steadied his bow and took aim on the dinner prospects. The shots rang true, and the fowl fell hard. As Ra’s manjet passed over the sky, several more shots found their targets, and the antelope and ostrich grazed no more. Horem was graced by Horus this day and loaded his cart with his kill and began the long journey home.

Along the road, Horem heard the chanting of enemy Nubians in the distance. He could not distinguish which direction they traveled, to or away from Pharaoh's Kingdom? As he snuck along the plain's path, he spied a ravine through which he wanted to ride. He first drove his horse on, and then stopped it, stepping behind his overloaded cart. He took up stones and brushwood, and made of it a wide barricade, so that no other horse could get through so easily. He then snapped the reins hard, and rode on as fast as his horse could carry the load.

Seeing those Nubians brought back the terrible realization once more of his father's murder. Left to be raised by neighboring hunters at age eight, Horem never really understood the love his father sacrificed so that his only son could live a life other than that of a soldier. All he knew was the pain he felt at the loss of a man he barely knew, but the sting lingered long after the judgment had been made.

He was blessed with the instincts of a hunter, and scorned by the appetite of a soldier. His balance was that of an honorable child who would grow to be an even more honorable man: a man who knew the value of family, and a loyalty to his King.

What Horem did not realize, was that a Nubian scout had taken notice of him racing away. It was not the sound of Horem, for he was as silent as the entombed, but the dust his horse stirred that signaled the scout. The scout rode ahead to inform Nulla, who commanded his company to step up the military campaign on Pharaoh’s Kingdom. In unison, his army marched on toward Avaris, the city of Cleopatra, Neferteri and Sinutep; his desire to reach the kingdom by nightfall.

*     *     *

Pharaoh’s golden vessel floated along the Nile and soon came to rest at the ferry landing. Avaris’ army of royal guards, statues and gardens greeted him, his warriors and his second daughter, Nefuru. She brought with her, her soon-to-be husband prince from the land of Tanis, Sneferu, where they had been for a season’s passing. It was part of an arranged marriage, which would take place following inundation, which both Kings sought carefully for continued trade and peace between their two distinct lands. Nefuru was pleased with the joining, as was Sneferu, as this union was to be the beginning of a new dynasty for Egypt.

The announced return of the King was heard throughout the land and even awakened Cleopatra from her medicinal sleep. As she roused herself, she noticed a stranger in her palace talking with her sisters. She thought it a hallucination, seeing Nefuru. Flanking them, her father was speaking with Horem. He had made it back to Avaris in one piece, with the speed and agility of a Phoenix.  

Sneferu’s guard whispered into his ear in such a way so as Pharaoh could hear, “We have news of a Nubian attack from our warship wharf and towers, lord. This hunter who stands here now has confirmed this. We must act swiftly!” He steadied his words, spoken convincingly while waving his dagger toward the open country and stars. This drew Pharaoh’s immediate interest.

In a recent vision, Pharaoh recalled having a conversation with his future son, where he was asked what troubled him, but he did not know the answer. “Call out my armies of land and sea, infantry, archers and charioteers. Call them all! Tonight, we fight for the future of Avaris! Bring your families to the Temples of the Gods! Quickly!” With that, Pharaoh’s reunion would have to wait as he rushed out of the room to prepare for war.

Thobis was enjoying the moonlit reflections of the Nile when a foretelling knocked him overboard. A brisk wind grabbed hold of him, setting him back onto the keel of his boat.  In his vision, his magical powers aided against an attack on the Pharaoh with one haunting hitch – his own sacrifice. His apparitions were strong, and guided him throughout his life. He knew this meant something significant, so he unfastened his magical apron, laying it on the floor of his boat, and looked over his treasures found beneath the Nile. Then he gathered together in his apron some of the things he had found, landed, and went to the Royal Palace. Nulla’s glaring eyes could be seen from across the river as he signaled the attack on Avaris. There was something evil in them; Seth had returned through Nulla.

*     *     *

Cleopatra asked her servants to leave her be so she could dress in solitude. I went after her almost immediately following her servant’s departure. “You slept well, my love?” I asked gingerly.

“Do not pretend all is well here Sinutep!” she snarled. “I saw and I heard the news from the great hall where my father is now absent!” Before she could speak again, I swept her up and carried her out of her bedchamber.

“I am bringing you to your sisters at the Temple of Isis. You will be safe there. Do not utter another word!” I kept my word and protected my Pharaoh’s daughters.

The battle began at the entrance to Avaris where the eighteen stone sphinxes watched over the kingdom. Cleopatra prayed to the God of the Underworld, Osiris, for the safety of her people, soldiers and loved ones alike. She vowed to give her life to protect that of all the others so that Avaris and her family could live on, reining a new dynasty.

Thobis entered the temple and went to the place where Pharaoh’s family had gathered.
“Thobis! Why do you come here? This temple is miles from your homestead.” Neferteri asked as she hugged him tightly.

“I think I know, do I not?” I replied while offering Thobis a blanket of freshly weaved cotton and a strong embrace. Outside, the enemy drew nearer and the tap, tap, tap of arrows could be heard hitting the stone pillars just outside in the temple’s courtyard.

Pharaoh broke through the lines on his chariot alongside Snefuru and the two held off Nulla’s army at the temple courtyard. Smoke billowed from the granaries set ablaze nearby and the screams of Avaris were piercing to the ears of the royal family. In that moment of darkness, Thobis raised his arms and began chanting from the Book of the Dead incantations familiar to the people, the judgment of Maat. “If your heart weighs less than this feather, you shall pass into the Kingdom of Osiris without fear, for your conscience is worthy to join the Gods in the Fields of Peace. Your Ka and Ba will reunite on the other side,” Neferteri held up an ostrich feather as her lover spoke. “If however, your heart is heavy, it will be fed to the demon Ammut where you will dwell in the House of Seth forever! Father Thoth, what say you? I sacrifice myself so that others may live. Oh heart, do not fail me in judgment or forsake me in the presence of the scale keeper! Truthful be my heart, as it should be for all Mankind!” Thobis continued to hold out his arms awaiting his destiny.

Osiris appeared on the wall with Anubis, keeper of the sacred scales of Maat, representing truth, morality, justice and balance, and Thoth, righteous judge and recorder of the decision amidst flickering light. He spoke only once. “It is in this place, that two citizens of Avaris prayed to me, to sacrifice themselves in order that they may save their people and the future of Avaris.” No one knew who the second sacrifice was except for Cleopatra. “I grant you this wish. May peace and morality rule forevermore!” Osiris vanished from the light. At the moment of his disappearance, Thobis and Cleopatra fell to floor … dead. There was nothing but silence in all places, inside and out. Their hearts had been weighed.

“Oh, no!” screamed Neferteri in panic. “My sister is dead, Noooooooo! My love is dead! Nooooooo!” Tears streamed down her face uncontrollably. She ran to me, as I just stood there, staring at the light, holding Cleopatra in my arms. We both realized the light was illuminating reflections of Cleopatra and Thobis along the wall. Isis, Mother of Fertility, then appeared in the light. She did not speak, but simply smiled, made a hugging motion around herself, touched her stomach, signaling rebirth and motioned a kiss toward the on-lookers. And the dynasty of Avaris began anew…

*     *     *

Ra sailed the sky in his manjet and continued to shine over Avaris. The enemy retreated and Pharaoh’s battle had been won. My wife, Cleopatra went to sit with our father in the kitchen. There, she retold the story of Avaris as it had happened two seasons earlier. Her pregnancy had started to show, and I was fortunate knowing the Gods had intervened that fateful night. I watched intently as my wife retold the story to Pharaoh. She told him all that had happened, and he found that she was, as he thought, a genuine Pharaoh’s daughter.

Neferteri and Thobis decided to marry and lived just two houses away. It wasn’t more than a month’s passing that Isis blessed them a second time. Nefuru and Sneferu returned to the land of Tanis, where he led them forth into his own kingdom, for he was a Pharaoh's son, and they married, and lived happily ever after.

And so it is written, and so it is done – this story of Avaris.

A Short Story by © 2003 Lorraine Kanter

[Aphrodite]

Hey Lori~

I enjoyed reading your Egyptian tale as through your thoughtful expression ancient historical events came to life!      

Your description and imagery is wonderful, making the whole reading experience quite enjoyable.  :pharoah2    :pharoah2

Great job.    :pharoah2          

Take care~

Aphrodite~Lindi

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hey Lori~

I enjoyed reading your Egyptian tale as through your thoughtful expression ancient historical events came to life!      

Your description and imagery is wonderful, making the whole reading experience quite enjoyable.  :pharoah2    :pharoah2

Great job.    :pharoah2          

Take care~

Aphrodite~Lindi

Thanks very much to my favorite sis!  :lovie:  :lovie:  :lovie:


Perhaps in the future this will be a collection where I will focus additional stories in individual characters? One never knows!  :detective:  :pilgrim:

Thanks very much for your support and encouragement!

HUGAROOOOOOOOSSSSS!  :lovie:  :lovie:  :lovie:

~Cleo  :pharoah:

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi all! :)

Figured I'd MOVE this one from Exhibition only into the crit forum....

Getting my feet wet here!

Thank you!

~Cleo  :pharoah:

[Guest_Cailean_*]

In general a great piece, just a few minor quibbles.

"sphinx of stone" for some reason the alliteration in this sentence jarred me. "Stone  sphinx" may work better, but "sphinx of alabaster" also sounds wrong, since I believe like the pyramids, the sphinx we know of was made of alabaster? But you are *far* more the Egyptian scholar than I :)

"nutrients" strikes me as a touch anachronistic, it just sounds so newfangled in such an ancient setting. Although, the sentence in question is tricky to pull off without using it. It's early on a Sunday morning here and I can't think of a replacement, I am sorry.

"Neferu and Sneferu" (sp?) the rhyming of these two words made me laugh at the wrong time, maybe it's just me tho :) Neferu also sounds a bit close in sound to Nephertiti that at one point I thought Neferu was a diminuative of Nephertiti.

"God given" in a pantheistic culture, I think the term "god" works better, since all deities were given respect, yet often one was chosen as a patron deity. They were all believed in and at least shown some measure of respect out of formality. Course, again, that is my interpretation of the culture. I would suggest something similar for a Greek pantheon story also, or a Hindu one.

But all in all, you use the Egyptian language and spiritual terms very well, without confusing the reader. (I tried to pull this off with Dark Desires, I am not sure if I succeeded, I have a feeling that readers ignore the Arabic words in the text.) Your knowledge of mythology is exquisite within the pantheon also and to use the god's attributes as expressions in speech and thought is very classy indeed, speaking very much of devout characters and a highly religious culture. The gods involve themselves in every aspect of the story, which, as I see the setting, is as it should be :)

Well, done, and please don't let my minor quibbles put you off from this piece, fix and move on, yup? :)

May your life get a little better every day. Blessed be.

Cailean Darkwater.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Thank you very much Cailean for yourthoughtful critique!

I will most assuredly go back and re-visit the areas you mentioned!

Personally, I think I may have intoduced too many characters in this short piece, but I do have a grander sheme in mind. Separate stories to center on certain characters to round this out. Like an "Avaris" collection of sorts.

Thanks for noticing my research into the ancient Gods of Egypt! It's quite fascinating to me as you can tell!  :tut:

Nefuru was actually an ancient name, and I was sort of cracking myself up when writing them in!  :drill:

Anyway, Atila helped with making Cleo more sensual and I hope it worked!

Back to the board (drawing and other) tee hee!

HUGAROOOOS!
~Cleo  :pharoah:

[Guest_Cailean_*]

I don't think there are too many characters in the piece, and you don't spring them on us all at once, which can be death with character insertion, the cluster**** method, I like to think of it. First we have Cleo and the narrator, Sin, then Nefertiti, then Thobis, then later the couple with the rhyming names *grin* with the Pharoah, who seems to kinda have a bit-part in the scheme of things behind him in the palace :)

Count the people, not that many really, and not all are on stage at once, except very rarely, such as the battle itself, and one expects all hands on deck then. I like to think of stories as movies, as odd as that may seem, and make sure there are not too many people "on screen" at once, but you can have a cast of theoretically thousands, just not all at once.

So, I wouldn't really worry on that score, it didn't seem like a "cramped stage" to me.

May your life get a little better every day. Blessed be.

Cailean Darkwater.

[Cleo_Serapis]

I don't think there are too many characters in the piece, and you don't spring them on us all at once, which can be death with character insertion, the cluster**** method, I like to think of it. First we have Cleo and the narrator, Sin, then Nefertiti, then Thobis, then later the couple with the rhyming names *grin* with the Pharoah, who seems to kinda have a bit-part in the scheme of things behind him in the palace :)

Count the people, not that many really, and not all are on stage at once, except very rarely, such as the battle itself, and one expects all hands on deck then. I like to think of stories as movies, as odd as that may seem, and make sure there are not too many people "on screen" at once, but you can have a cast of theoretically thousands, just not all at once.

So, I wouldn't really worry on that score, it didn't seem like a "cramped stage" to me.

May your life get a little better every day. Blessed be.

Cailean Darkwater.

Thanks "C" for the feedback!

Hugaroooos!
~Cleo  :pharoah:

[Guest_Tao_*]

Hi Cleo,

Came to pay the ancient Egyptians my respects! This was an entertaining tale jam full of characters that threatened to leap off the papyrus. Imho, your strength lies in your keen observations of and painstaking dedication to the scenery and setting. And of course, your love for Egyptian mythology and the antiquity of the dynasties made this piece shine. :pharoah2

I agree with Cailean that there are not too many characters, though I wouldn’t add more, nine mortals plus the Egyptian deities were all I could handle at once in a short story. Just one question: what happened to Horem, after devoting a whole section of the story to him? There was a brief reference to his father and motivations, but was not mentioned again. This was the only “non-royalty” in the story and for some reason, I identified with him than the “privileged.”  

Sinutep, the narrator, also had a minor role considering, which is not unusual, but somehow I expected him to be more involved. Our narrator established a love triangle in the prologue, but I couldn’t find any trace of it in the story. But that’s okay too, chalk it up to scene painting. Generally though, I had been conditioned to weave elements back into a story’s folds if I were to introduce them. But I’m strictly amateur of course.

Now this might sound even stranger, to me, Sinutep had a female voice. Maybe I’m just too sexist and macho, too many John Wayne movies? It’s stereotyping, but I tend to think that women focus more on love and atmosphere while men focus more on raw desire. The description of Sinetep in the Cleopatra bedroom scene, to me, had more love than desire!! Maybe it couldn’t be helped. I know my pieces come off sounding like a guy wrote them. The great Cailean said he could do both voices??

Okay, having flung my square, old-fashioned conceptions about, let me get to the specifics. Please T or T. :)

P2: There was once upon a time three daughters who were born – remove “who were”

P4: “I caught a whisper on the wind, my eyes following the flight one step ahead of my worn sandals. My eyes soon found her, but she did not see.”  – how about “They soon found her…”

In the “There was a shuffling of feet at the entry” paragraph, remove “the” from “…with the three very rambunctious servants.” A general comment: some of these extra “thes” slowed the story down.

Same paragraph, “Thobis lifted Cleopatra’s fragile head and had her drink of his special mixture” remove “of” and make this a new sentence, “where shortly thereafter, no more chatter took place between us.” Just “No more chatter took place…”

In the “My stomach soon reminded me” paragraph, “I had heard that his father’s God given talents” – I realize it’s a figure of speech, but would ancient Egyptians have spoken in monotheist terms, capitalizing “god?” I see Cailean spotted this point too.

In the “A short while later, after Thobis declared” paragraph, “I fear it will never be equal to the gratitude I give to you, however.” - should it not be I owe you?

“A Pharaoh's pace to the North…” great use of period language!

In the “Seeing those Nubians brought back” paragraph, “Horem never really understood the love his father sacrificed” – how about just “…understood his father’s sacrifice…?”

In the “Pharaoh’s golden vessel” paragraph, slight confusion on “She brought with her, her soon-to-be husband prince from the land of Tanis, Sneferu, where they had been for a season’s passing.” – move Sneferu before “from the land of Tanis.”

In the “Sneferu’s guard whispered“ paragraph, “He steadied his words, spoken convincingly while waving his dagger toward the open country and stars.” – how about “speaking convincingly while…”

Phew! Coffee break! That ought to give you lots to think about. One more thing though, I thought Neferteri would be sacrificed at the end because of Thois’ description of the prayer and that Neferteri was holding a feather! Shows how much I know about the ancients.

I hope all this helps. It’s one guy’s perspective anyway.

David

[Cleo_Serapis]

Thanks so much Daviod for your thoughtful critique!

I had planned to make these characters their own short stories too - so that way it would end up a collection of "Avaris" tales... That way I could focus more on character development by having a short story devoted to each one....

I must print out your ideas and get back to this one real soon...

Thanks again!
~Cleo  :lovie: