Welcome Guest ( Log In | Register )

IPB
 
Reply to this topicStart new topic
> Pastoral for the Midlands **
anaisa
post Nov 1 15, 15:59
Post #1


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 138
Joined: 11-May 10
From: california
Member No.: 1,120
Real Name: karen
Writer of: Poetry



I tweaked it in a few places, hopefully for the better. I actually like some "ing" words so I left a few.
Thanks everyone for the feedback and help with this.

Pastoral for the Midlands

The heart-shaped linden leaves have netted veins,
That web into a rib along the center;
Their blades are broad with scalloped edges, catching
October’s sun, as filmy light rays enter

Between long layered branches. By the Severn,
We walk the well-worn, narrow bridleways.
Our trail is trimmed in sedges, maples drop
Their dappled leaves in paper-thin arrays,

To fan the feet of ancient brambles. Roots
Rise from a hidden ditch; the sun burns off
Earth’s rim of mist; a patch of peacock blue
Appears above a whitewashed mill. Clouds doff

In salutation to the sky. The bleats
Of farmland sheep float through the country air.
A passing steam train lets its whistle out
As we rest by the waters of the weir.

This place is far from what I’m used to. Thick
With large leaved limes and sycamores . . . My home
Is desert mounds and dull mesquite; stretched suns
Lay ribbons dipped in scarlet strands that comb

Through warm horizons. But lush emerald hues,
Medieval bridges, plenitudes of calm—
No sand dune is superior to these.
The blends of meadow-breeze, the water’s balm,

Brushstrokes of nature, delicate as sorrel,
Create a mental mural for my mind.
And there I find the time to pause, reflect,
When harshness of the desert seems unkind.













Pastoral for the Midlands

The heart-shaped linden leaves have netted veins,
Extending from their midrib in the center;
Their blades are broad with scalloped edges, catching
October’s sun, as filmy light rays enter

Between long layered branches. By the Severn,
We walk the well-worn, narrow bridleways.
Our trail is trimmed in sedges, maples drop
Their dappled leaves in paper-thin arrays,

To fan the feet of ancient brambles. Roots
Rise from a hidden ditch; the sun burns off
Earth’s rim of mist; a patch of peacock blue
Appears above a whitewashed mill. Clouds doff

Their salutations to the sky. The bleats
Of farmland sheep float through the country air.
A passing steam train lets its whistle out
As we rest by the waters of the weir.

This place is far from what I’m used to. Thick
With large leaved limes and sycamores . . . My home
Is scorching desert and mesquite; stretched suns
Lay ribbons dipped in scarlet strands that comb

Through warm horizons. But lush emerald hues,
Medieval bridges, plenitudes of calm—
No sand dune is superior to these.
The blends of meadow-breeze, the water’s balm,

Brushstrokes of nature, delicate as sorrel,
Create a mental mural for my mind.
And there I find the time to pause, reflect,
When harshness of the desert seems unkind.


·······IPB·······

 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
posthumous
post Nov 1 15, 18:30
Post #2


Nomad
*

Group: Silver Member
Posts: 35
Joined: 30-October 15
Member No.: 5,275
Real Name: Don Zirilli
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Eisa



This is a joy to critique. A great poem with a few problems, perfect for a workshop!

First, why it's good: you do the hard thing, describe a complex landscape and bring it to life. And now, a few suggestions for improvement:

QUOTE (anaisa @ Nov 1 15, 15:59 ) *
Pastoral for the Midlands

The heart-shaped linden leaves have netted veins,
Extending from their midrib in the center;

this is redundant. It's the MID rib, so of course it's in the center.

Their blades are broad with scalloped edges, catching
October’s sun, as filmy light rays enter

Between long layered branches. By the Severn,
We walk the well-worn, narrow bridleways.
Our trail is trimmed in sedges, maples drop
Their dappled leaves in paper-thin arrays,

To fan the feet of ancient brambles. Roots
Rise from a hidden ditch; the sun burns off
Earth’s rim of mist; a patch of peacock blue
Appears above a whitewashed mill. Clouds doff

Their salutations to the sky. The bleats

you can only doff a hat or perhaps some other article of clothing. maybe you could say they doff "as" or "in" salutation

Of farmland sheep float through the country air.
A passing steam train lets its whistle out
As we rest by the waters of the weir.

This place is far from what I’m used to. Thick
With large leaved limes and sycamores . . . My home
Is scorching desert and mesquite; stretched suns
Lay ribbons dipped in scarlet strands that comb

Through warm horizons. But lush emerald hues,
Medieval bridges, plentitude of calm—
No sand dune is superior to these.
The blends of meadow-breeze, the water’s balm,

Brushstrokes of nature, delicate as sorrel,
Create a mental mural for my mind.

you've done so much work painting this mental mural, it seems unfair to sum it up so mundanely. and "mental" and "for my mind" is redundant.

And there I find the time to pause, reflect,
When harshness of the desert seems unkind.

having no "the" before harshness feels awkward. I don't think you have to be so chained to the meter to drop expected articles.


as I said, you did the hard work, making a picture with words. I hope my comments help.
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
anaisa
post Nov 1 15, 19:30
Post #3


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 138
Joined: 11-May 10
From: california
Member No.: 1,120
Real Name: karen
Writer of: Poetry



Hi Posty,

Really helpful advice and comments. I look forward to working on those areas.

Karen


·······IPB·······

 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
RC James
post Nov 2 15, 12:14
Post #4


Assyrian
**

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 250
Joined: 1-November 15
Member No.: 5,282
Real Name: richard chase
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Rhapsody



anaisa - I enjoyed the fluidity of this, it reads well, without that usual hang-up of antiquated words that somehow make their way into rhymed and metered pieces. My only suggestion is that, in the first couple of stanzas, you lose the "ing" words, they tend to lose force and the more direct version of their forms are more powerful. Well done, RC
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
anaisa
post Nov 2 15, 14:09
Post #5


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 138
Joined: 11-May 10
From: california
Member No.: 1,120
Real Name: karen
Writer of: Poetry



Thanks RC! I have to rearrange the second line so I can pull "extending" out of there.
KD


·······IPB·······

 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Larry
post Nov 2 15, 15:28
Post #6


Creative Chieftain
******

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 9,468
Joined: 15-June 07
From: Springfield, Louisiana
Member No.: 446
Real Name: Larry D. Jennings
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Just wondered in.



Hi Karen,

I enjoyed reading through your post numerous times and the suggestions from others. I'm not sure if you want
a full editorial critique or merely tweaks here and there so I will just start with a few comments and wait to hear
back from you.

Firstly, is your Pastoral intended to be a Ballad in iambic pentameter?

Next, my main "pet peeve" is the capitalization of each line. This was fine when the typesetters centuries ago
found it easier to utilize the large carved wooden capital letters than the more difficult small ones when preparing to print.
That is no longer the case and besides, you use a lot of enjambment in your piece and I find it breaks the thought
process when going to the next line.

As far as gerunds are concerned, I found four in your entire piece and you might replace one or two with more
descriptive adjectives.

You do paint a beautiful picture and from the looks of it you won't have to do a lot to polish it into a gem.

Larry


·······IPB·······

When power leads man toward arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the areas of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of his existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.
John Fitzgerald Kennedy



Kindness is a seed sown by the gentlest hand, growing care's flowers.
Larry D. Jennings

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
anaisa
post Nov 2 15, 16:19
Post #7


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 138
Joined: 11-May 10
From: california
Member No.: 1,120
Real Name: karen
Writer of: Poetry



Hi Larry,

Thank you for the critique. It's iambic pentameter for the most part. I think if I keep it at least 85 % true it works fine for me.
I'm aware of issues concerning Caps at the start of the lines, and I use them 50% of the time. A few editors of formalist journals I know still prefer them, believe it or not... So I go with whatever I think helps it get printed at the time. Here is one example in a fairly exclusive women's journal. Notice 2 of the three poems use caps in the beginning and the third one does not:

http://www.mezzocammin.com/iambic.php?vol=...amp;page=garcia

I'll get the revision up in a few days. It's nice to be here and I appreciate your thoughts and comments.

KD


·······IPB·······

 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Eisa
post Nov 3 15, 15:30
Post #8


Mosaic Master
Group Icon

Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



It's always a pleasure to read your poetry, Karen and I'm so pleased to see you here.

This one has wonderful images and only needs a tweak here & there.


The heart-shaped linden leaves have netted veins,
Extending from their midrib in the center;
Their blades are broad with scalloped edges, catching
October’s sun, as filmy light rays enter

midrib & center are really saying the same thing


Brushstrokes of nature, delicate as sorrel,
Create a mental mural for my mind.
And there I find the time to pause, reflect,
When harshness of the desert seems unkind.

L2 - mental and of the mind - one is redundant

Yes, perhaps a few too many 'ing' words

I have criticized the use of capitals in the past, but now am aware that in recent days this is acceptable in formal poetry and sometimes sought after. Go with the flow when you want to get published magicwink1.png


Really enjoyed
Eira



·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
anaisa
post Nov 7 15, 13:29
Post #9


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 138
Joined: 11-May 10
From: california
Member No.: 1,120
Real Name: karen
Writer of: Poetry



Hi Eira,

Thank you, nice to see you here. I hope I can keep writing a little, it's been a long dry spell.
I appreciate your time and comments.

KD


·······IPB·······

 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:

Reply to this topicStart new topic

 

RSS Lo-Fi Version Time is now: 13th December 2019 - 10:57




Read our FLYERS - click below



Reference links provided to aid in fine-tuning your writings. ENJOY!

more Quotes
more Art Quotes
Dictionary.com ~ Thesaurus.com

Search:
for
Type in a word below to find its rhymes, synonyms, and more:

Word: