Critiquer of the month for MAY Noms, please reply by October 26th Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

Calling all writers of the Mosaic!

The time has come to nominate a member who you feel best demonstrated the CRITIQUE in MAY.  :block:

 :hsdance:  :musicband:  :dance:  :claps:

Nominate a member here by replying to this tile.

The award:
*Laurel Wreath

*Graphic provided by
Celtic Castle Designs

The details:
[*]Choose at least TWO posts critiqued by the member you'd like to nominate from the month of MAY. *You can do this by utilizing our 'sort by topic start date OR last post date' and 'descending sort' functions located at the bottom of each forum's page display and then look to make sure the critique replies were made in February as well.  :detective:
[*]Post the two examples in this thread.
[*]Post only the CRITIQUES.
[*]Make sure your examples are from the month of MAY.
[*]State the tile's name, author and forum the critique was replied to.
[*]Eligible forums:
Herme's Homilies and Seren's Synapse for poetry COM nominations

Stonehenge and Loch Ness for Prose COM nominations

Nominations will be taken through October 26th, 2005.

Additional note: If more than one member is nominated for the COM award, this tile will serve as a balloting process. We will create a POLL and the members will vote the winner.

Good luck all!  :cheer:
Thank you for helping to build the Mosaic!  :dance:

Mosaic Musings Staff  :knight:  :pharoah:  :vic: :roman:  :viking:  :tut:  

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Lori, et al.

I'd like to nominate Cathy, please.

As soon as I can I'll find some examples.

J.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Lori

James you beat me to it.  I came in here to nominate Cathy as well, so I'll second your nomination instead.

My two examples are:

from Odd Socks by Nina posted  in Seren's



This is a little sad Nina.  I'm not sure why.  Yet it clearly demonstrates
the comfort we find in the 'as is' rather than to instigate change.

fear for change
Should that be "fear of change"?

one black, flecked with white;
Maybe: one black, white-flecks or one black with white-flecks.
The last stanza could read slightly different: one black, white-flecked

so there they lie
"so they lie"


A pair of odd socks
tucked in a drawer:
one blue,
one black with white-flecks;
ill-matched for so long;
hiding in darkness
never proudly displayed.

I should separate them;
initiate search for their mate.
Yet something stops me -
fear of change?
thoughts of loneliness?
habit?

I’ve grown used to seeing them paired,
so they lie
folded together;
one blue,
one black, white-flecked;
gathering dust,
growing old.

Your choice of course!
Cathy  

and

Yay' Though I Walk Thru the Valley;, Memorial Day,USA by Zeus posted in Hermes

A lovely tribute to our fighting men ... past and present.
Just a suggestion or two -

In this beautiful sea of white hair, (omit "In this". Add "a")
veterans, with no sign of despair
rather, a sense of care
yes, they are well aware
but not ready to prepare (though instead of but?)
standing tall and square
still, with a touch of flair

a couple even had an affair, (One couple?  It would avoid an "a")
in combat , events were not fair
look the enemy in the eye, and dare,  (What about "look their enemy"?)
our fallen mates, always, with a prayer[;] (omit "a")
most, have an heir  (Is the comma really needed here?)
proudly , they would declare,

heard a few swear
older now, a bit rare
returning home, to the[ir] lounge  chair (Move the comma to after "chair")
a little more wear and tear[,]
the trumpets still silently blare,  (omit "the" and "still")
these men, you cannot compare[;]
always… they will be foursquare.
~

A beautiful sea of white hair,
veterans, with no sign of despair
rather, a sense of care
yes, they are well aware
though not ready to prepare
standing tall and square
still, with a touch of flair,

none a millionaire
occasionally life unfair
yet, willing to share
a few, looking debonair
from some, a little hot air
but ne’er a glare,

one couple even had an affair,
in combat , events were not fair
look their enemy in the eye, and dare,
our fallen mates, always, with prayer
most have an heir
proudly , they would declare,

heard a few swear
older now, a bit rare
returning home to their lounge chair,
a little more wear and tear
trumpets silently blare,
these men, you cannot compare;
always… they will be foursquare.
~

Just some ideas you can use or lose as you see fit. These men deserve
so much more that words can portray.
Nina

[Cleo_Serapis]

I'll third the nomination for Cathy...  :sun:

The two examples I have found to demonstrate COM:

In Seren's Synapse: JLY's Cul De Sac D'Amour

Good morning John!
What a sexy, beautiful poem!  I have a few suggestions to
use or lose as you see fit.

Cloistered by twilight’s shroud,
licentious lovers consort
in sensual seclusion
on Avalon Cove Court.

Effusive emotions filtered
a desirous lilting affaire,
covertly charged
with {a} seductive {glare}[air]?.

Drawn shades masked
salacious silhouettes’
enchanted pas de deux [passionate in keeping
with the "p's" in the last two lines.]
of prurient pirouettes.

Scintillating candlelight ignited
hypnotic hedonistic highs
illusively elevated
by rapturous sultry sighs.  [I love these lines!]

Savored pleasures magnified
a flushed fervent flare,
ardently aroused
with burning love to share.

To read:

Cloistered by twilight’s shroud,
licentious lovers consort
in sensual seclusion
on Avalon Cove Court.

Effusive emotions filtered
a desirous lilting affaire,
covertly charged
with seductive air.

Drawn shades masked
salacious silhouettes’
passionate pas de deux
of prurient pirouettes.

Scintillating candlelight ignited
hypnotic hedonistic highs
illusively elevated
by rapturous sultry sighs.

Savored pleasures magnified
a flushed fervent flare,
ardently aroused
with burning love to share.

Either way it's a beautiful piece of work!
Cathy


AND in Seren's, Siren's Home:

Good morning!  I have just a few minor suggestions that
of course you may ignore! :)  {omit}[add]

Dear Lord
I accepted my fate,
{when} you caged my dreams and heart (heart and dreams?)
within the sultan's jeweled palms.

I bent my head
as my feet shuffled toward freedom,
{when} my tongue took flight[,] {and} call[ing] for land and peace
found within the sultan's wave.

Yet, dear Lord,
{the} sultan (closed) his palms against my pleas, (tightened, for effect?)
{and} pressed my nose against {the} cool marble {floor}(I think you could omit "floor".  "Cool marble ... feet" would imply floor.)
near his gold-encrusted feet.

Then, my Lord,
I gathered my crippled pride[,] {and} attempt[ing] to soar
over lands and oceans not mine,
fleeing the sultan's decree.

"Seek a home not in this land,
for it now belongs to me and mine."

Years have gone by, O Lord.
My (bared) wings can flap no more,  (stripped? again for effect.  Her captor stripped her of everything.)
as my prison grows larger.

You see, my Lord,
freedom is in the forbidden land I call "Home".

It would read:

Dear Lord
I accepted my fate,
you caged my heart and dreams
within the sultan's jeweled palms.

I bent my head
as my feet shuffled toward freedom,
my tongue took flight, calling for land and peace
found within the sultan's wave.

Yet, dear Lord,
sultan tightened his palms against my pleas,
pressed my nose against cool marble
near his gold-encrusted feet.

Then, my Lord,
I gathered my crippled pride, attempting to soar
over lands and oceans not mine,
fleeing the sultan's decree.

"Seek a home not in this land,
for it now belongs to me and mine."

Years have gone by, O Lord.
My stripped wings can flap no more,
as my prison grows larger.

You see, my Lord,
freedom is in the forbidden land
I call "Home".



Just some ideas for you to consider.  Your choice of course!  I love the
thought in your last lines.

Cathy


Good luck!  :hsdance:

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Wow you guys...am I the "Cathy" you're talking about??  lol

I don't know what to say except thanks for the nominations!

Cathy  :sam:

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Cathy

>J>Wow you guys...am I the "Cathy" you're talking about??  lol

LOL, of course you're the "Cathy" we're talking about.  The only one on this board and the nomination is well deserved, the effort you put in to critting is greatly appreciated.

Nina

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi,

>N>LOL, of course you're the "Cathy" we're talking about.  The only one on this board and the nomination is well deserved, the effort you put in to critting is greatly appreciated.

Seconded!

J.

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Eh? James, how can you second the nom? - you made the original!

I'll also second the nomination - and get back with examples asap.

Fran

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Fran,

>F>Eh? James, how can you second the nom? - you made the original!

Ah you mis-read... I was seconding Nina's comment to Cathy. :)

At least you have the speed-reading excuse - I mis-read slow-reading!

Tata, J.

[JLY]

I would like to nominate Fran.

Here is a sample of some of her very thoughtful suggestions:

Hi John

Wet and wild is the raging surf,
pounding the storm[-]struck shore.

Fantastic opening lines, very theatrical indeed. The meter is grand but then it varies a bit, so I have tried to make some suggestions that might keep the rhythm neater (Me? R&M? - yikes! - take this with a BIG pinch of salt, please, John  )

[add] {del}

Hot and blazing[,] {is} the noonday sun,  
scorching all living things to the core.  --- scorching all things (or all life) to ...
Milky and billowy {are} the sailing clouds,
gracing {the} skies with their wispy décor.
Intense and heartfelt are your hugs,
{you render} that make{s} my spirits soar.

Delicate and flamboyant {are the} butterflies,  --- 12 syl so have reduced, but could take it further (delicate and vivid the butterflies?)
{that} engage us with {their} capricious flight.
Full and robust {are the} trumpet daffodils,
dress{ed} in colors of pink, yellow, and white.
Soothing and melodic[,] {are} the whippoorwills,
serenading {us on a} moonlit balmy night[s].
Sultry and flirtatious are the glances,
you tender me with such fiery delight.

Hope some of that helps a bit? Please ignore if my meter is more of an inch, lol.

Fran

--------------

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Thanks you guys!  :blush21:

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Gosh, John, thank you vry much  

I'd actually just nipped in to post my examples of Cathy's crits. Here are just a couple:

The first is for Arnie's The Temptation - Hot Food in Herme's
http://forums.mosaicmusings.net/cgi-bin....;t=4170

Devilled kidneys and ham indeed!  You wouldn't find that on my plate!  LOL

He who sups with the Devil
should have a long spoon
and dine with prudence in
the impish grill-room.

Be wary when offered roast
carvings in nooks,
for God sends meat, but the  (I think you could omit "but" unless you have a specific meter.)
Devil sends cooks.

Dig a shy fork into devilled
kidneys and ham[,]
that’s presented with glee
by the horned cloven man[.](Should horned cloven be hyphenated?)

His chamber piled high with
a flamb'e  of treats,
be careful when offered
hot puddings and sweets.

Condense your digestion; don’t
fill up your plate.
To yield to indulgence, invites  (Omit the comma?)
cravings you’ll hate[.]

Partake of food quickly and
exit in haste
for the Devil’s restaurant is a
dangerous place.

Very enjoyable read,  although I do believe I will stick with Burger King!!  

The second is on JLY's Luninescent Moonlight in Seren's
http://forums.mosaicmusings.net/cgi-bin....;t=4211

Good morning JL!  Love your title!  A few suggestions - use or lose
as you see fit!  

You reside in my heart and soul;
when you’re away, it is so hard
to keep the loneliness at bay.
The first 3 lines strike me as rather bland compared to the rest of
the poem.  Maybe it's just me I don't know.   The poem could
stand without them IMO.
I fondly recall how we wove
our slithering enraptured physiques
in {that}[my] sand[-]colored hammock (a personal touch)
beneath {the} luminescent moonlight
on {those} tepid summer evenings.
Unwanted popcorn kernels {we’d} cast
into the algae[-]covered goldfish pond
beneath the gurgling floating fountain.(This line reads awkward to me. How
does a fountain float? What about "beneath gurgling music of fountain spray"?)

We held each other ever so tightly
as we counted the glistening stars
in {the} silent shadowy somniferous sk[ies].
Our love of life was wildly unique[,]
{and} never a flippant passing fashion.
We sang symphonized serenades,
as a chorus of idyllic interludes
reverberated over finger-like leaves
of {the} weeping willow trees.
Streaming synchronized vectors
of silvery light zigzagged across
the outdoor starlight theater
above our open[-]air canvas bed.

Would look like this:

You reside in my heart and soul;
when you’re away, it is so hard
to keep the loneliness at bay.
I fondly recall how we wove
our slithering enraptured physiques
in my sand-colored hammock
beneath luminescent moonlight
on tepid summer evenings.
Unwanted popcorn kernels cast
into algae-covered goldfish pond
beneath gurgling music of fountain spray.

We held each other ever so tightly
as we counted the glistening stars
in silent shadowy somniferous skies.
Our love of life was wildly unique,
never a flippant passing fashion.
We sang symphonized serenades,
as a chorus of idyllic interludes
reverberated over finger-like leaves
of weeping willow trees.
Streaming synchronized vectors
of silvery light zigzagged across
the outdoor starlight theater
above our open-air canvas bed.

Your choice of course.  The imagery is great and I love the use of
alliteration.

Swaying ever so slightly in the breeze,
Cathy

[Cleo_Serapis]

HI all.

We've received nominations for Cathy and Toumai.

Look for a poll soon....

~Cleo