Critiquer of the month, nominations for February here Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

Calling all writers of the Mosaic!

The time has come to nominate a member who you feel best demonstrated the CRITIQUE in February.  :block:

       

Nominate a member here by replying to this tile.

The award:
*Critiquer of the Month

*Graphic provided by
Celtic Castle Designs

The details:
[*]Choose at least TWO posts critiqued by the member you'd like to nominate from the month of FEBRUARY. *You can do this by utilizing our 'sort by topic start date OR last post date' and 'descending sort' functions located at the bottom of each forum's page display and then look to make sure the critique replies were made in February as well.  
[*]Post the two examples in this thread.
[*]Post only the CRITIQUES.
[*]Make sure your examples are from the month of FEBRUARY.
[*]State the tile's name, author and forum the critique was replied to.
[*]Eligible forums:
Herme's Homilies and Seren's Synapse for poetry COM nominations

Stonehenge and Loch Ness for Prose COM nominations

Nominations will be taken through April 30th, 2005.

Additional note: If more than one member is nominated for the COM award, this tile will serve as a balloting process. We will create a POLL and the members will vote the winner.

Good luck all!  
Thank you for helping to build the Mosaic!  

Mosaic Musings Staff       :roman:      

[Guest_Toumai_*]

I would like to nominate James (Jox) for his wonderful enthusiasm.

His generous efforts are great encouragement.

I would like to cite his crit of my recent Sanctuary poem (Fragile Bloom) but I see that forum is not eligible for selection in this award.

So I shall suggest, for examples,

The Blanket, a short story by Nina in Stonehenge
http://forums.mosaicmusings.net/cgi-bin....;t=3645

House Forgotten, also by Nina in Seren's Synapse
http://forums.mosaicmusings.net/cgi-bin....;t=3533

and his comments on my own story Desperate Remedy in Stonehenge
http://forums.mosaicmusings.net/cgi-bin....;t=3561

I know the rules say include the crits, but then this would by now be several pages long ... can add them if you wish ...

Fran

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Lori, Fran, et al,

Fran,

Thank you very much indeed. (And for all the research - that must have taken a while).

As Alan said, when he was nominated last month, I'm honoured.

Best wishes,

James.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Thanks.

I'll be back soon with my own nominations as I hope others will too....

Cheers!
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello.

I'll  nominate Cybele for February COM.

My examples are:

Herme's: Midnight Odyssey by larrysgirl5548
http://forums.mosaicmusings.net/cgi-bin....;t=3636

Hi Cathy,

Your granddaughter must love you reading this to her. A lovely, spoken lullaby.  :cloud9:
Just a couple of minor adjustments to suggest, take or chuck..

Wing-ed dragon glides up near, a twinkle in his eye
and offers her a pleasured flight through the starry sky.
Gracefully she climbs his wing to perch atop his back,
delighting in fantasial sights through air of dapple-black.

L2 and offers her a pleasured flight across the starry sky ?

Soaring free on gentle winds swooping high and low,
clinging to the dragon's neck her happiness does show.
Thrill of touching star and moon as they reign above;
so richly blend their voice as one to softly sing of love.

L2 clinging to the dragon's neck, her smiling face aglow.?
L3 Thrill of touching star and moon who reign supreme above ?
L4 So richly blend their voices to softly sing of love ?

Sparkled twilight turns to grey, night is nearing end,
The sun peeks over yon horizon, darkness will it rend.
Seeking for soft-pillowed cloud, a place to rest the day,
Repose their heads til dusk descends, to then resume their play

L2 Sun peeks over the horizon, the darkness it will rend ?
L3 Seeking for soft-pillowed cloud, a place to rest all day ?
L4 Repose their heads till dusk descends, and then resume their play ?


Sweet dreams Blaise.  :cloud9:



AND

Seren's: Final Ramble by Siren
http://forums.mosaicmusings.net/cgi-bin....;t=3646

Good morning Dani,

What powerful images portrayed in this poem. It is haunting, powerful and poignant all at the same time and so vivid, I feel as if I am standing beside this man as the life seeps from his body.

Yes, I feel you need a more powerful title Dani. Ramble conjures up a slow relaxing walk, when you are portraying this man, broken and old and living on memories alone, taking his final steps on his life's journey. How about something like  TERMINUS to mark the spot where his life ends?

He hunched over
neatly folding memory after memory
into his tattered backpack,
then carted it on bowed shoulders
to wade through another trail
of dusty anger and muddy tears.
He pushed aside branches
weighed down by forgotten caresses,
stumbled every other mile over forbidden longings.

L3 I agree with Nina 'hoisted' is a better word
L9 May I suggest
stumbled yet another mile over forbidden longings.
This would accentuate the great effort he was making to keep going.

His feet shuffled along-- knees weakend,
and swollen eyes straining for home.
A mile shy of the final destination
he crumbled down upon the barren soil
--alone, trapped by his dickey strength.
A raven's shadow skimmed overhead,
it's incessant wail piercing through the silence.

L1 Typo 'weakened'
L2 swollen eyes conjures up the wrong impression Dani, how about
  bleary or weary or ancient?
L3 delete 'down'
L4 'failing' strength?
Last two lines - brilliantly descriptive>.  :dance:

Over-exerting grey-blue eyes,
the silhouette of his broken hearth
came into view
-- rubble swaying with the dry wind.
He crouched, bent fingers reached into the pack,
and pulled out each neatly folded memory,
as he lay in wait.

L1 As you have already referred to his eyes straining to see perhaps you could make this line something like:

focussing his gaze ahead ?

L4 Can rubble sway Dani? perhaps
grey ashes blowing in the wind?
L5 For more impact may I suggest gnarled fingers to indicate is great age?

L6/7 Excellent finish to a very sad story Dani.

Whatever you choose to do this will remain a very moving poem.  :cloud9:

Cheers!
~Cleo  :pharoah:

[Cleo_Serapis]

Calling for more nominations please....

Thanks in advance!
Cleo

[Siren]

Hi All,

I've been meaning to get to this and am sorry for the delay.

I nominate James (AKA Jox) For me James has tackled a recently posted very personal poem, which shows his innate ability at being proffessional as a mod. He also offers the right dose of encouragement... :)

here's the link:

Swallowing Pride  

http://forums.mosaicmusings.net/cgi-bin....;t=4053

Of course has has offered loads of help to many other posts, such as Neil's One Hell Of a Journey in StoneHenge  

http://forums.mosaicmusings.net/cgi-bin....;t=3617


Dani

[Cybele]

Hello Lori,

I have just seen this and wish to thank you for the honour.

To me, winning this title is not as important as being nominated and thought worthy of it, and for this I am delighted.  

[Psyche]

Hi Lori !

I'm in a desperate rush, but I'd like to nominate Jox for his critique of my poem "My Shell", posted recently.

Will try to complete these and other details of his crits of other people's poems during February, really can't do this now, but fortunately I have a visual memory so it's quite clear to me that Jox puts in a great deal of effort, time and expertise for his crits (so do a lot of other people, but apparently we can only nominate one at a time?  :oops: ).

Will be back !!!  :pharoah2

Hugs to all,
Psyche

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi all,

Dani and Sylvia, to paraphrase Grace, I'm honoured. Thank you both very much indeed.

James.

[Psyche]

Me again !

Ahem.... February, was it?! Don't panic, anybody, I still nominate Jox, except that I posted My Shell, er... about a week ago !!!  :oops:  :speechless:

I shall now take advantage to suggest (start shuddering, all of ya.... :p  Shock ), that we nominate the Critters  :kitty:  :lion:  :dragon: during the first 10 days of each month, for the preceding month.

Goodness knows what happened during February, I can't remember what I did yesterday or tomorrow...  :grinning: Still, I guess there are good reasons for this method. Are there?

Can some kind soul also tell me how to create a link to this thread from the critting forums? Or any other? Much obliged, kind ladies & sirs.  

Best,
Psyche

[Psyche]

Hi Cleo !

I nominate Jox for his crit of Nina's Chilly Numbness, posted in Seren's Synapse on February 24th., 2005.

http://forums.mosaicmusings.net/cgi-bin....umbness

Bye for now !!
Psyche

[Guest_Cathy_*]

I would like to nominate Cybele for her critiques on my poem
Midnight Odyssey in Herme's and Betrayal of Clytemnestra by
Di-Die, also in Herme's.  I have always gotten such friendly and
helpful critiques from her.

Betrayal of Clytemnestra by Di-Die ~ Herme's
http://forums.mosaicmusings.net/cgi-bin....mnestra


Oh, blow this for a game of Soldiers Diana,  

I don't intend to be outdone by all the gallant gents here.

WELCOME DIANA, ANOTHER BRIT, HOORAH.


I have written only one sonnet Diana and all my first letters were capitalised. If it's good enough for Shaespeare, it's good enough for me (even though I have a sneaking feeling that it does distract slightly in a modern sonnet.)  

Betrayal of Clytemnestra

Away a decade, a fight for a wh*re,
Gained divine approval by offspring’s blood.
Deprived my life of sweet, gentle rosebud
Perfidious husband actions impure.
It is fitting, red tapestries shield the floor.
In Mycenae you shall not set foot.  Proud
King a life is forfeit, these robes your shroud.
Iphigenia’s death I will not endure.
In silver cauldron lies a bloody body,
Proud am I, my spouse made corpse by this hand.
You Elders threaten exile - you who stand
While father murders daughter.  You embody
Apathy, while unfolding tragedy
Surrounds you.  Justice has met my demand.


L1 I feel fighting for a wh*re might sound marginally better.
L4 Luscious word 'perfidious' isn't it? Must try to write a piece in which I could use it. It rolls around the tongue like a juicy strawberry. MM  

I am very fond of Greek and Roman Mythology Diana, and have thoroughly enjoyed the read.

I like the way this conveys the narrator as if she were acting the part on the stage. Very dramatic. I can see her standing haughtily and almost feel the venom in her voice.  

Great fun.

Next one please.  

--------------
Love

Grace



Midnight Odyssey by larrysgirl5548 ~ Herme's
http://forums.mosaicmusings.net/cgi-bin....;t=3636

Hi Cathy,  

Your granddaughter must love you reading this to her. A lovely, spoken lullaby.  
Just a couple of minor adjustments to suggest, take or chuck..

Wing-ed dragon glides up near, a twinkle in his eye
and offers her a pleasured flight through the starry sky.
Gracefully she climbs his wing to perch atop his back,
delighting in fantasial sights through air of dapple-black.

L2 and offers her a pleasured flight across the starry sky ?

Soaring free on gentle winds swooping high and low,
clinging to the dragon's neck her happiness does show.
Thrill of touching star and moon as they reign above;
so richly blend their voice as one to softly sing of love.

L2 clinging to the dragon's neck, her smiling face aglow.?
L3 Thrill of touching star and moon who reign supreme above ?
L4 So richly blend their voices to softly sing of love ?

Sparkled twilight turns to grey, night is nearing end,
The sun peeks over yon horizon, darkness will it rend.
Seeking for soft-pillowed cloud, a place to rest the day,
Repose their heads til dusk descends, to then resume their play

L2 Sun peeks over the horizon, the darkness it will rend ?
L3 Seeking for soft-pillowed cloud, a place to rest all day ?
L4 Repose their heads till dusk descends, and then resume their play ?


Sweet dreams Blaise.  

--------------
Love

Grace

[Cleo_Serapis]

I've added an additional note: If more than one member is nominated for the COM award, this tile will serve as a balloting process. We will create a POLL and the members will vote the winner.

This is how it is stated in the Awards description thread in the FAQ forum, so I've added it here since we've received nominations for both Jox and Cybele thus far.

Thanks Dani, Sylvia and Cathy for your nominations!  :dance:

I'd like to keep this thread open for at least another three days (to cover the weekend readers)...

Good luck and congrats James and Grace!  :cloud9:

~Cleo  :pharoah:

[Cleo_Serapis]

Me again !

Ahem.... February, was it?! Don't panic, anybody, I still nominate Jox, except that I posted My Shell, er... about a week ago !!!    


Best,
Psyche

Thanks Sylvia!

I shall now take advantage to suggest (start shuddering, all of ya.... :p  Shock ), that we nominate the Critters  :kitty:  :lion:  :dragon: during the first 10 days of each month, for the preceding month.

Goodness knows what happened during February, I can't remember what I did yesterday or tomorrow...  :grinning: Still, I guess there are good reasons for this method. Are there?

That is a good idea. Currently, I'm behind with all voting polls for Member Choice, Mod Choice and COM. Perhaps if all agree to interact in a slew of polls to catch us up, then we can certainly try to accomodate your request...

Can some kind soul also tell me how to create a link to this thread from the critting forums? Or any other? Much obliged, kind ladies & sirs.  

Ahhh - good question - one I should add to our HELP button/link at top of forum.  :detective: You need to have two sessions of MM open: File> New> Window.. In one window, you'd keep this nomination thread open, in the other, find the forum and tile you'd like to site in your reply. When you've found the tile, do a copy ( Ctrl C) or using right-mouse button, a copy over the entire address line URL.

Then do a Ctrl V or Paste (right click) into the other window you are siting in.

Give this a try Sylvia...

Regards!
Cleo  :king:

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Lori

I would also like to nominate James for February critter of the month for the time effort and encouragement he always puts into crits. The two examples I use are

Lucie's Playground Reflections in Seren's

http://forums.mosaicmusings.net/cgi-bin....;t=3521

Hi Lucie - a few suggestions:

{omit}[add](comments)

Playground reflections (Keep the title - it works once one has read the piece)

I walk past, looking back
to a script which is somehow set
here, in the half-light chill
where frost fades and bruises ache,
through long years.
I can no longer tell one child from another{,}[;]
parts merged together.
Only they know as well as I,  (Is that “only” as in exclusive or as in inclusive?)
this is no game.

Voices long silenced[,] crying in unison
for forgotten words{,}[.] pink-nosed,
swaddled in loving scarves.
One child drags himself {through}[across] hard-packed ground,
those in pursuit, concealed in the distance, (What’s the point of being concealed if in pursuit?)
closer than he thinks.

Nearer now.
I reach for that star
of old, embarrassed nightmares.
My eyes follow loud laughter,
a cold sneer, inverted screams.
I almost feel the pinch of cold fingers,
the blade of a smile, (fantabulous)
the images, invisible in glass,
of themselves that they see within each other.

Hi Lucie.

This is a stunningly beautiful poem for such a stunningly dismal scene. Bullying has always been with us and, despite the efforts of some, will always be I expect. This poem really digs the archaeology of bullying but also mirrors precisely what happens every day. I have offered a few minor crits but nothing detracts from this stark, dismal and beautifully-constructed reflection upon our society.

Well done, James.
and

Jayjay's poem  Foundations in Seren's

http://forums.mosaicmusings.net/cgi-bin....;t=3690

Hi Jamie,

Nina's right about those two meanings... and I have another five.

But, on the simple prima facie meaning, alone, this is beautifully-crafted.

Your work is only receiving so few suggested corrections from me because I am admiring its perfection. This is no exception. An extraordinary piece. Well done.

James.

Nina

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Nina,

Thank you very much for your nomination and comments. Most appreciated.

James.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Thanks all who've posted nominations.

I will posting the POLL in a day or two so stay tuned and PLEASE be sure to cast your VOTE for COM in February! :block:

Cheers!
~Cleo :)

[Cleo_Serapis]

Thanks for your nominations!

The POLL is now posted....