 If Art Could Talk, a Pandora sonnet *** (Critique welcomed) |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Poetry Forums > Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -> Herme's Homilies  |
 May 12 13, 13:31
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#1
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 Ornate Oracle  Posts: 18,608 Joined: 2-August 03 From: Southwest New Jersey, USA Member No.: 6 Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr. Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori  |
If Art Could Talk
If Art could talk, he'd tell me that he cried when he lost sight of me that August day I got aboard the train but had not eyed how sad my birthday brother couldn't say. My Mom and Grandma Ricketts both were there along with Art, the six-year-old, but he was not my focus; somehow I'd not shared how much I loved him, and there was no plea from him for hugs or kisses. I'm awash with guilt as I look back upon that scene. The time that's passed has not erased nor quashed insensitivity that came between young Art and me 'til he became a man, when he forgave the love I overran. © MLee Dickens'son 2013 from challenge words: sight, wash, scene, erase... and the phrase: If Art Could Talk P.S. Art was born on my 11th birthday, so we have an indelible connection. ·······  ·······Slow down; things will go faster!
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May 15 13, 02:29
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 18,608 Joined: 2-August 03 From: Southwest New Jersey, USA Member No.: 6 Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr. Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
 ... just so this isn't buried ? Thanks!
······· ·······Slow down; things will go faster!
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May 16 13, 13:09
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#3
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 Ornate Oracle  Posts: 8,894 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Hi Daniel,
Afraid of being buried? LOL...it happens!  I'm glad you've brough this sonnet over from the challenge. I often spy good pieces there. Great exercise for the neurons, I should participate.  QUOTE (JustDaniel @ May 12 13, 16:31 )  If Art Could Talk Cool idea to use the phrase as title. If Art could talk, he'd tell me that he cried when he lost sight of me that August day I got aboard the train but had not eyed how sad my birthday brother couldn't say. <<<<< grammar OK here? Hmm... My Mom and Grandma Ricketts both were there along with Art, the six-year-old, but he was not my focus; somehow I'd not shared how much I loved him, and there was no plea <<<<<methinks some damsel was over in the background...your focus was there, LOL from him for hugs or kisses. I'm awash <<<<<How sad, I know that feeling. with guilt as I look back upon that scene. The time that's passed has not erased nor quashed <<<<I don't like quashed in this context, but I guess you need it for rhyme. insensitivity that came between <<<<< Don't know where you put the emphasis on insensitivity, to my ear long words in sonnets complicate meter. Just me, I guess! young Art and me 'til he became a man, when he forgave the love I overran. <<<<<Here again, overran appears to be used for end rhyme, sort of forced. I think of overran as in a car accident...LOL...ToT!  © MLee Dickens'son 2013 from challenge words: sight, wash, scene, erase... and the phrase: If Art Could Talk Fantastic use of challenge words! I like your sonnet very much, never mind my nits.  P.S. Art was born on my 11th birthday, so we have an indelible connection. P.S. I was born on my Dad's birthday. But we never had much connection, except for his mere presence, which was mostly silent and often 'quashed' conversations.  Cheers, Syl*** ······· ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner       |
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Aug 10 13, 21:48
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#4
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 8,894 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Hey, I think this poem merits more attention! Anybody out there? Well, I like it, Daniel.  Syl*** ······· ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Aug 11 13, 07:13
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#5
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 Egyptian Posts: 399 Joined: 11-April 13 From: Australia - The great Southern Land Member No.: 5,178 Real Name: Maureen Clifford Writer of: Poetry Referred By:arnfinn |
I like it also - very much and don't have any problems with quashed
Also like the quirkeness of the title
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