The Critic, (Tetrameter Sonnet) Options

[Thoth]

The Critic
Rev1

Oh young and anguished forum friend,
what is it that you really mean
with verse I cannot comprehend
inert upon my p.c. screen?

This calloused heart remains un-torn,
its guilt suppressed by jealous pride.
Faint images and scenes stillborn
from pallid poems - their voice denied.

Your tale's been told a million times,
clipped lines of prose I've read before;
ill-chosen words that pass for rhymes
will not unlock emotion's door.

Hold up a mirror to succeed -
a mirror to my selfish need.

orig

My young and anguished forum friend,
what is it that you really mean
with verse I cannot comprehend
inert upon my p.c. screen?

This calloused heart remains un-torn,
it’s guilt suppressed by jealous pride.
Pale images and scenes stillborn
from pallid poems their voice denied.

Your tale’s been told a million times,
clipped lines of prose I‘ve read before;
these boring words that pass for rhymes
will not unlock emotion’s door.

Hold up a mirror to succeed -
a mirror to my selfish need.



© Wally Schwim 27 August 2009

[Maggie]

Hi Wally,

Very nice sonnet which scans quite well! Fine job for the most part! I do have a few places where the meaning is less than clear to me but only one line. Perhaps it's just me.

My young and anguished forum friend,
what is it that you really mean
with verse I cannot comprehend
inert upon my p.c. screen?

This calloused heart remains un-torn, ( Very nice line!)
it’s guilt suppressed by jealous pride.
Pale images and scenes stillborn
from pallid poems their voice denied. (Well said.)

Your tale’s been told a million times,
clipped lines of prose I‘ve read before;
these boring words that pass for rhymes
will not unlock emotion’s door.( Great stanza!)

Hold up a mirror to succeed -
a mirror to my selfish need.( Think it might be better to replace "my" with "man's".)

Great advice in that last couplet!

I have problems with the following line:


"it’s guilt suppressed by jealous pride."


The psychological actions in the above line bother me. Can "pride" indeed "suppress" "guilt", and is "pride" really capable of being "jealous pride" or would not "arrogant" be a better word? I can see "pride" "over riding", but does it really "suppress" in the true sense of the word. I guess what I'm confused about is whether the three emotions and one process named in the line can really act and react on each other in such a fashion?

Again, really nice sonnet for the most part!!

Peggy

[Thoth]

Dear Peggy

Thank you for popping in to read, as always your comments are highly valued.

This one was born very rapidly and is still evolving. Focus is shared between the poet and critic although the voice is that of the critic. In the end the message is intended to say; popular writers pen to appease the reader's appetite and rival poets can be harsh critics. There is too the obvious advice to the poet to work on appealing to the reader's emotions which can become hardened with age.

I tend to focus on wordplay a lot, sometimes to the detriment of comprehension.

Hugs, Wally

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Wally,

Luv it!

I have two initial suggestions as your title, rhythms and rhymes work very well as is.

It's here:
from pallid poems their voice denied
I suggest adding an emdash or two (or a semi-colon) for a more dramatic pause.

Also - While the word 'boring' works well as is, I suggest finding a more potent word to use there, perhaps 'drilling', 'irksome', 'jejune' or 'insipid' (if you ditch the word 'these').

Be back soon!
~Cleo

[Thoth]

Hi Lori,

Thank you for your comments and suggestions, I have revised.

Hugs,

Wally

[Cleo_Serapis]

FANTASTIC!



Nice change to "ill-chosen words that pass for rhymes"...

~Cleo

[Sekhmet]

Good morning Throth. I read your sonnet, and my soul punched the air and yelled, 'Yes!'

I once belonged to another group; wherein, (or so it felt) a whole class of teenagers had been enrolled by a Machiavellian teacher of Eng. Lit., desirous of offloading his/her responsibility for the analysis and critique of their students work onto the unwitting members of the group.

These (young) people either posted poems expressing tepid emotional satisfaction at finding, 'The One.' Or whined overly dramatic threats of self harm if, 'The One' didn't behave exactly as the poet desired.

As you have so rightly said - 'Their tale's been told a million times.'


Then, there were the hopelessly sinking writers, all grasping at the straw of free verse. They couldn't rhyme, or bother with counting syllables; most were unaware of the existance of the upper-case button; and God forbid that they should attempt to fit their sterile lines to any known poetic form.

After all – they were writers of fee verse; giving them the freedom to write anything they jolly well liked – and call it a poem. And if their reader was flummoxed? Well - not everyone is capable of understanding great poetry. What a get-out clause!

Their offerings were either very, very short.

Or very, very long, disjointed scraps of prose; each possessed of all the intrinsic charm of a ransom note, constructed from words ripped from random periodicals.

'What is it that you really mean
with verse I cannot comprehend
inert upon my p.c. screen?'

Exactly! Couldn't have put it better.

I, too, expect poems to hold up a mirror to my selfish need. A need not to be bored or baffled or bamboozled.

Leo

[Thoth]

Thank you Leo,
Yes indeed, this one stems from my days at another forum with a similar grade of clientèle. I really can't be bothered any more with teaching basic English to kids who take no pride in their work anyway.

I'm glad it connected with you!

Wally

[JustDaniel]

I fully feel thy feelings, friend;
may love for language never end.

deLightingly, Daniel

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Wally,

One more thought for your closing couplet:
Hold up a mirror to succeed -
a mirror to my selfish need.

Hold up a mirror to succeed;
reflections of my selfish need. Or you could substitute the word 'slefish' for something else here as well.

Cheers,
~Cleo