Descendents (Revision 2 30 Sep 08 Tweaked), senryu Options

[Maggie]

( I think "life's" gets rid of the gender specific problem, don't you? I hated using "his" as it excluded feminine gender.)

Descendents (Revision 2)

Descendents, one's hope
for life's immortality
in this mortal world.

Peggy Carpenter Harwood


Decendents (Revision 1)

Decendents, one's hope
for his immortality
in this mortal world.

Peggy Carpenter Harwood




Decendents

Decendents, our hope
for our immortality
in this mortal world.

Peggy Carpenter Harwood

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Peggy, very good image and message both, our children are our future. I need to write some more senyru.
Steve

[Dee]

The message is clear and it's a good one, one in our subconscious daily, I suspect.
I just have one nit... and that's the repeating "our". Perhaps you could change it to "the quest". Just a suggestion.

Decendents

Decendents, our hope
for our immortality
in this mortal world.

Peggy Carpenter Harwood


...

Decendents, the quest
for our immortality
in this mortal world.

[Arnfinn]

Hi, Peg


Decendents

Decendents, our hope
for our immortality
in this mortal world.


Seems OK. 5/7/5.


My translation


Decendents, our heirs
for our immortality
in this human world.


John

[Maggie]

Hi Steve,

Thanks so much for reading !! Glad you like it!!

Peggy

[Maggie]

Hi Dee,

Thanks so much for reading and commenting!!

I like your variation.

Peggy

[Maggie]

Hi John,

Thanks so much for reading and commenting!!! I like "heirs" right much!

Peggy

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Peggy,

Definitely a good read, one I've pondered for a bit since reading it.

I also think having two 'our's in this senryu could be better expressed by exchanging one of them. Perhaps the first could be changes to 'one's' or 'man's' instead?

Decendents, our hope
for our immortality
in this mortal world.

Cheers,
Cleo

[Maggie]

Hi Cleo,

Thanks for the good suggestion! I've revised.

Peggy

[Cleo_Serapis]

Excellent!

Peggy!

[Arnfinn]

Nah, not soooo keen, Peg.

First we have = Descendants.

Descendants, man's hope <<< 'mans hope? What!
for his immortality <<< For HIS immortality!
in this mortal world.


Mans hope, is in name only.


Marriage take away, the masculine surname. WHAT hope.

Nah.


John

[Maggie]

HI John,

Women are used to changing last names. I, and some of my friends, consider children and grandchildren et. al. related despite differences in last names. Many of my relatives in my maternal line are quite close. In fact we're closer than the relatives in my paternal line. I have family heirlooms that are deliberately being passed down to the females going back four generations, so yes I feel anyone in my bloodline whether they be ancestors or decendents as related and I do feel descendants are a "hope for immortality."

Peggy

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Peggy, Good on ya, I have heard there is a trend for women to not change last name and give children a double last name.
Steve

[Maggie]

Hi folks,

I inserted "life's" in place of "his." What do you think, please?

Peggy

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Peggy,

Personally, I prefer His (in reference to God) but it's completely up to you. His has a soft inner rhyme to this in L3 as well.

~Cleo

Decendents (Revision 2)

Decendents, one's hope
for life's immortality
in this mortal world.


Decendents (Revision 1)

Decendents, one's hope
for His immortality
in this mortal world.

[Maggie]

Hi Cleo,

Thanks so much for responding!! I am pondering.

Peggy

[Larry]

Peggy,

Might I suggest changing "decendents" to it's proper spelling of "descendants" in both the title and the body of the poem, as it throws off one's reading from the beginning.

I like the first line in your original version better than the current one,

Decendents, our hope

although I think there needs to be either a semi-colon or colon after "Descendants"; for "one's" hope is too singular in form and is not inclusive as "our" would be in this context (IMO).

Just a suggestion which you can take or toss.

Larry

[Maggie]

Hi Larry,

Thanks so much for stopping by, reading, commenting and catching the spelling error!! I appreciate it very much!!!

I don't agree that "one's" is actually the incorrect pronoun, for I know that one person can have many descendents. For instance, I have two children and four grandchildren: They are all my descendents. Just how I look at it, of course.

Again, thanks for your imput!!!

Peggy

[Maggie]

Hi Larry,

After thinking about it, I believe you are right, so I changed "one's" to "our."

Thanks so much!!!

Peggy

[Guest_prerna bala_*]

hi everybody! this place is great, cannot believe the healthy help.
Peggy, i liked the revise and your post is a real lesson what with the discussion in it.